It has been a while

It has been a while since I posted on here. I have not posted because my life is still a mess, my ED still has a hold on me. I have dug a deep hole and I can't climb out. Still working on getting insurance, the paperwork has been turned in, now I am waiting a week till I get in the system. Pretty lame. Other than BPing every freaking day, I started exercising again. That has helped a little bit. But not a lot. I have freaking gained 14 lbs, in 3 weeks. How is that possible? I am comfortable in recovery that right now that I don't care about how much I have gained, more like I care about how I gained it. I am also afraid that if I don't stop this cycle, I will gain more and more and then I WILL care about how much I have gained. I am no longer underweight which is good, but I did that in such an unhealthy way. I am still malnourished because when a person gains weight from binging on crap, they are not able to absorb ANY nutrients.  So my husband and I are starting to get along better. Wed was out four year anniversary and we celebrated it by ingoring each other and fighting. I just tear up when I think about it. I don't care about fancy presents and such, but I do care about spending quality time together doing something that is fun. Chis has become a freaking horndog too and I can't handle it. He always has an erection and I tell him to masterbate or something because there is no way I am going to let him near me with it. I don't think he understands about men. Men need to masterbate because it is healthy for them. It is unhealthy and it leads to medical problems when they don't doanything about it. Ummm OK I am getting way off subject Not like I had one to begin with. I am excited about starting my business, but I am scared because I am such a hypocrite. I can't tell others what to do when I can't do it myself!  I am one of the most unhealthiest people on earth right now. I need to beat this ED or else it will ruin my life.  I am praying I have a good day today. I had one Wed, but today is 4th of July and I can see all the freaking food involved. I am sooo scared. Maybe I should just say fuck it and start recovery on Monday. I hate food