it happened

hello journal,    Well after about a week of feeling shitty the attack finally happend. I was with my friend who i hadnt seen in some time and we were catching up and i felt the wave of heat travel up my body....at that point i tried to say inwardly to myself  come on what is there to panic about confront it and dont run away......well that did bugger all and it came on strong. My friend doesnt know that i suffer from these so i couldnt say allowed what was happening because i felt foolish, so i said to mick what was going on and i went to the room and took a 2mg diazepam and came back to the living room trying to front this attack out. My cousin karen and her boyfriend rab along with my friend justin were coming down as well, and i thought if i cant cope with one person here how will i cope with more than that.....so i text justin saying what was happening and not to come and then i phoned karen, she suggested that they still come and if i wasnt any better then they could always leave again......so i text justin back and told him to come down after all........well after having that conversation i paced the bathroom for a few minutes trying to stave off the feelings of nausea and i said to myself that calling everything off wasnt the answer, pressing on ahead was, no matter how uncomfortable it may seem.......to cut along story short, i finally began to relax about an hour after karen, rab and justin arrived and then my brother and his friend came along too.....we had a great night and we all slagged one another off and put the world to rights as everyone does when there is a little alcohol involved...so i suppose that going ahead with the evening was the best thing to do eventhough at one point i could just have buried my head in the sand.Today i am still dealing with the post panic attack feelings.......trying to get back to and even way of  looking at things and beginning the process of recovery again, but i suppose at least this time i am not back all the way to square one which is a bonus and should be looked on as such..........onwards and upwardsttfn xx