It goes on without answers.

I am going past the point of depression and verging on hysteria. I am trying to stay calm and be reasonable, but I just can't seem to keep my grip and more questions swirl around me. 

So I went to the PCP yesterday. The practice I go to, there are 4 Drs and each takes a week at the hospital, so at the time of my appointment my Dr happened to be at the hospital on a call, so I got to see someone who I had never met before. He was avert quick witted older Dr. I was actually really happy to have a second opinion on what was going on. 

When he came in, the first thing he said was "I have been a Dr for the better part of 30 years, and I read through your chart ... twice ... and verified that the information in was correct ... and I have no idea what you have." That actually felt reasurring to hear, oddly enough. 

We then talked about how I did not fit the symptoms of all of the typical things, and at this point we are just ruling out strange options. We talked about the thoughts of the PT about arthritus and a hande specialist. This Dr thought that was unlikely, but orderd an x-ray to at least take the thought seriously. The two things that this Dr wanted to look at were the possibilities of MS or something wrong with my brain stem. 

 He explained that MS was the less likely of the two because since I have been experiencing these symptoms for 10 years now, I would be feeling it in other parts of my body - not just the one arm. So that is not likely. The more likely is that there is something wrong with my brain stem. He talked about how there are different things that can cause pressure to the brain stem and create very localized numming. For this reason he was sending me to a neurlogist. This way they could x-ray my whole brain. He talkdabout how there can be many things wrong in the brain that may or may not show up on an MRI, but a neurologist would be able to explain these things better to me. 

I already have the x-ray results back. This showed that though  my right habd had more wear and tear than a 35 year old should, it was not outside of expected levels and was definately not aurthritus. 

So now we are left with 2 very unlikely choices with one of them being the more likely of the unlikely choices. But that one choice happens to be infinately more scarey. 

So I'm going to dump more money into specialists, but it's money I don't have. 

Oh - and my car is broke down. My junk car I needed to replace this yaer but couldn't because I totaled our other car... who knows what it is. It just wouldn't start. So I had to have it towed like 30 miles .... don't know how I am going to pay that bill alone - let alone everything else. 

I'm so scared. What if we lose our house? 

I can't go back to working 2 jobs - it was killing me. I may be dyinganyway, though.... what's the difference. 

Oh man. ... gotta keep my spirits up.  

Where is G-d when life sucks? Is it me? Where am I when life sucks?

Help. 

:) Susie