it didn't go as planned

Husband is never home when J is.  And when he is J has had "plans".  So - unfortunately - circumstances forced me to start talking to him.  And it wasn't pretty.  Of course, he blew up.  He told me he was the middle man for the prescription drug exchanges (never received $ - which I believe) so that he could receive free pot for making the connections. He told me that he smokes pot "every other day" and he finds nothing wrong with it.  There is nothing wrong with drug traffic-ing?  Said he's able to handle himself and has been working hard to make himself a better person. He was extremely emotional and upset.  I believe he's self-medicating but he said he will not see any counselors or doctors when I told him that all we ask is for him to talk to a drug counselor.  Drug testing?  Forget it.  He said he won't go to school if we make him do that. So we're at a crossroads and not sure exactly what to do.  Our son is extremely stubborn and will most definitely cut off of his nose to spite his face.   I called our friend - the drug counselor and he told me that there is no right or wrong answer and wish he had a crystal ball.  He said we could lift the conditions and tell him that if he finds himself in trouble - he's on his own OR we can draw the line in the sand.  If we decide to send him without conditions, and something happens, we could find ourselves beating ourselves up - asking why we let this go.  On the other hand, if we put out foot down and he leaves - it may give him the excuse to go hog wild and sink even deeper.  **Up until we made the discovery - on the surface - he appeared to be doing "well".  Only time will tell whether or not he can handle himself...  So - I am going to pray for guidance.  My husband and I are leaning toward giving him the opportunity to do school and let the cards fall where they may.   

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

I am sorry that the conversation did not work out! It presents so many issues for your family....here are some comments from the other side of cyber space...

As you probably know, the research indicates that pot does alleviate feelings of depression and anxiety...perhaps this is why it is the drug of choice for so many with depression. It also does not have the day to day side affects of many of the legal prescriptions.....still, it\'s illegal and whether sharing or bartering for drugs vs selling -- dealing is a problem.....especially if he has a run in with the law. (Is that probable where you live?)

So, why doesn\'t he have money; did he lose his job or is he not making good choices about spending/saving? No answer wanted, just raises the issue as to whether he is spending money on drugs......?! Is this why he does not want to be tested? He won\'t go to school if you drug test....? Then where does that leave him....moving out!!??!!

With that said, I think school is positive; something to work on and toward a future. It\'s a meaningful way to spend time. Plus he has to take ownership of the results.

I don\'t know how you are going to square up the living arrangement -- openly using, defiance of all conditions and still have T at home. I am not suggesting kicking J to the curb, but helping him to find and even support an alternative living arrangement. Pay for this as long as J does well at school. Welcome him home for a weekly meal, laundry, etc just like you would any other college student and keep the lines of communication open. He might go hog wild.....that suggests that he has not internalized the necessary self controls....how does living at home help him do this? At some point he has to step up and make the effort to be an adult.

I wish your situation was different! This is a heartbreaker and I am sending hugs and peace with what ever decision you come up with. TAKE CARE!!!
deleted_user
deleted_user

I\'m sorry it didn\'t go well and that you had to talk to him while you were alone. I agree with the counsellor in that there is no right or wrong choice here for you to make, so I think whatever choice you do make it needs to be something you and your husband can live with no matter what happens with J. I wish you luck. Stay strong!
deleted_user
deleted_user

Whatever you decide will be the right choice so try not to second guess yourself. I wish I had something better to say other then to have faith and stay strong. I will keep your family in my prayers.
deleted_user
deleted_user

I think you have done the best you can do and be comfortable with the decision. We want to \"fix\" things, make life easier for our kids, but when they are of an age that this decision must start to fall on THEM, we have to let them. Your situations have certainly been trying and stressful, but realistically you\'ve handled them, and there is still love and respect from your sons! My husband has a very hard time in dealing with these situations, gets blamed for being arrogant and opinionated, but M. still has love and respect for him. Hopefully all this will be more comfortable for everyone now that it is \"aired\". Remember that you have done your very best. Take the time to keep yourself tuned up!! We\'re all behind you and are here to listen.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Last year, we alerted the high school to my son\'s drug use, and he was apprehended and searched. When pot was found on him he was suspended and then we produced Marchman Act papers (judges\' approval to put into drug treatment), so he went into a 12 step program as opposed to juvenile detention. When he came out he still wanted to do drugs. I\'m not sure if you have any such options where you live, but he does seem to need a program. If it doesn\'t happen now, it will happen later. You know better than I do that he has to help himself for it to stick. I am so sorry that you are goin through this.