IT CHANGES

i remember the earlier days after Ken left this earthly world how I felt it would not ger easier.  The depth of the pain extended my being.  As I hear new moms say or write, i know the those feelings and thoughts.  When moms were farther ahead on dealing with the death of their child would encourage me that its not it gets better it gets different.  As I would read those words I wondered “how”.  My heart is totally broken, the pain is so deep, how was this ever change.  How could my heart stop this most horrible pain I had ever felt.  What could happen to make me feel better.  What could stop this broken heart from the pain I felt every day.  No matter what was written or said, I could see no way that my heart could ever stop the horror of. The pain I felt.  I could see no ending.  I could not see how the tears would never stop breaking like a dam daily or how my broken heart could ever change or repair this horrible pain I felt every minute, every second.  The loss of a child was the worst of the worst feelings.  Nothing can repair or fix my broken heart.  I knew the kind words were words of encouragement.  And I knew the ones saying it changes had stood in my shoes and knew the pain I was feeling.  Today, almost 10 years later, I still can not comprehend my son is dead and I can not understand where the time has gone, but the answers I was given back in the early days is “It Changes”.  What happens.  What changes.  When we never felt the pain we felt would never change.  What stops the horrible pain we experienced daily.  What Changes?  LIFE.  Days pass, weeks pass, months pass, years pass and each step of the way we change.  We still miss our child as much as we did that first day but even though our lives feel they will never move forward, Life has a way to move us forward.  Slowly life takes us forward.  Does that mean we miss our child any less NO.  It means our lives continue to go forward and to me that is what happens our lives welcome new members into our lives, marriages, grandchildren, great-grandchildren.  We still continue to have losses in our lives.  Yet nothing feels like the loss of our child but somewhere along Life’s path we change.  We are able to get up in the morning and the tears are not always flooding our souls.  Yes, there are still times we still break, mostly those times are when we are alone.  But there are many days will pass and we don’t feel the harshness of the pain.  Just as we may get the flu and the cough hangs on and on, feels it will never end then one morning we wake the cough is gone.  For a time we  don’t feel the harshness that a cough can bring for a while the pain of rhe cough is not there, than we may become ill again and the cough has returned. As with the loss of our child it feels the intense pain will be forever yet as time passes LIFE CHANGES. IT CHANGES.  Today if your just starting this journey, yes IT CHANGES, yet it is still there.  Today I may write this and a tear will not be shed or the intense pain may not feel my heart, yet tomorrow and I will not know the cause but I may break down and the tears will flow as again as they did earlier in this journey.  When someone says It Changes, it does change as Life changes.  Will you alway miss your child, the answer to that is of course,  will you have sad times, yes, but those days become gentler to our souls.  Our child will always be in our thoughts, our hearts.  They will forever be stamped in our being but does it get easier, does it change the answer will always be YES and NO, it will depend on where you are that day.  As life changes we are being pulled along with it and our pain will have harsh days and we will have gentle days.  Forever we will always carry our child in our lives.  To each of you starting this journey may your know Yes, it changes,  Yet we never forget.  To all I send you love.  I love and and miss you my sweet child Kenny, your mom forever.