It broke...
I think something in me finally broke this week...
Back at the beginning of April, I had ended things with my significant other. He reached out to me mid-April and we talked, and I let him rush me back into the relationship with in the matter of a week. Was this a mistake? I think so... and I regretted it from the moment it happened, but felt he deserved a chance to prove himself.
He did make improvements. He called everyday, texted back and forth more often, but then all good things come to an end. We started to bicker about little things, my dog being one. He has slowely started to go back to his old ways, and I have found my "give a fuck" button is broken.
Needless to say, these last several weeks/months have been extremely hard on me. My daughter is going through some really tough issues (she is in therapy) that I dont even know how to cope/support her through. (I think I need some therapy too). The financial burden is increasing on me because therapy is not cheap and being a single mom, I struggle very hard. On top of that, I have been busting ass going above and beyond on my job to get a promotion (in hopes to ease said finiancial burden). My boss told me I had to do X, Y, and Z for this promotion. I have been doing X, Y, and Z for almost two years with no promotion in sight. I finally called her out on it when we had our one on one meeting, and the resolution was not to promote me or tell me its coming soon, but to take me off of everything she said I needed to do to be promoted.
On top of this, I had been hinting around with my significant other as to where our relationship was headed. He blew it off with no response. So last weekend I finally straight up asked him do you ever think about us moving in together? (After a relationship of almost three years now, I thought this was a fair question -- but he did not). He flipped out on me stating he didnt want to live with anyone over and over and over again. I was surprised by his reaction but not wanting to fight, I dropped it. He did not want to drop it and kept going on and attacking me personally about not being able to take care of myself (which I dont know where he got that since I am a single mom who works two jobs, pays all her bills, and gets no child support) and him not being ready to support a family. I said fine, just drop it, but I am not going to be content with the way things are for 2, 3 or 4 more years. I am tired of being a weekend girlfriend. I dont know if it was the wrong thing to say, but I wanted to be honest and let him know I wanted a family and I wanted someone who did too. He got all pissed, more arguing, and then he slept on the couch.
He texted me sunday saying he felt blind sided and that he loved me, and I responded only with an I love you too.
I didnt hear from him until Tuesday, where I got an email saying I was all in the wrong and cold and attacked him and he didnt know how to feel about everything. I responded that I didnt attack him and I am sorry he felt that way and thought it was a fair question to ask. He was pissed that I didnt agree with him and send an email with one sentence, "Im always wrong and your always right" and I did not hear from him again until Thursday after I sent him a text saying "thank you for showing me nothing has changed in this relationship". That started another argument and now I am just done, tired and dont care anymore.
He basically said he felt like I was giving him an ultimatum to move in together or break up. I never said that, but wanted to know if he ever thought about us moving in together, taking some form of a next step in the relationship.
But at this point, I dont even care anymore. I think something finally broke in me yesterday. I turned off my phone, turned off my facebook and have decided to disappear for a while. I just dont want to be bothered with life. Outside of my daughter, I dont care about anything or anyone anymore. I just want to be left alone. Too many times I have tried to reach out for support only to be told I am not being supportive. I have been knocked down too many times and now only want to deal with what has to be delt with.
I think its time to hit the reset button on life... If I had the means, I think I would literally pack my shit up, my daughter, and my dog up and leave. Go start over somewhere new.
Back at the beginning of April, I had ended things with my significant other. He reached out to me mid-April and we talked, and I let him rush me back into the relationship with in the matter of a week. Was this a mistake? I think so... and I regretted it from the moment it happened, but felt he deserved a chance to prove himself.
He did make improvements. He called everyday, texted back and forth more often, but then all good things come to an end. We started to bicker about little things, my dog being one. He has slowely started to go back to his old ways, and I have found my "give a fuck" button is broken.
Needless to say, these last several weeks/months have been extremely hard on me. My daughter is going through some really tough issues (she is in therapy) that I dont even know how to cope/support her through. (I think I need some therapy too). The financial burden is increasing on me because therapy is not cheap and being a single mom, I struggle very hard. On top of that, I have been busting ass going above and beyond on my job to get a promotion (in hopes to ease said finiancial burden). My boss told me I had to do X, Y, and Z for this promotion. I have been doing X, Y, and Z for almost two years with no promotion in sight. I finally called her out on it when we had our one on one meeting, and the resolution was not to promote me or tell me its coming soon, but to take me off of everything she said I needed to do to be promoted.
On top of this, I had been hinting around with my significant other as to where our relationship was headed. He blew it off with no response. So last weekend I finally straight up asked him do you ever think about us moving in together? (After a relationship of almost three years now, I thought this was a fair question -- but he did not). He flipped out on me stating he didnt want to live with anyone over and over and over again. I was surprised by his reaction but not wanting to fight, I dropped it. He did not want to drop it and kept going on and attacking me personally about not being able to take care of myself (which I dont know where he got that since I am a single mom who works two jobs, pays all her bills, and gets no child support) and him not being ready to support a family. I said fine, just drop it, but I am not going to be content with the way things are for 2, 3 or 4 more years. I am tired of being a weekend girlfriend. I dont know if it was the wrong thing to say, but I wanted to be honest and let him know I wanted a family and I wanted someone who did too. He got all pissed, more arguing, and then he slept on the couch.
He texted me sunday saying he felt blind sided and that he loved me, and I responded only with an I love you too.
I didnt hear from him until Tuesday, where I got an email saying I was all in the wrong and cold and attacked him and he didnt know how to feel about everything. I responded that I didnt attack him and I am sorry he felt that way and thought it was a fair question to ask. He was pissed that I didnt agree with him and send an email with one sentence, "Im always wrong and your always right" and I did not hear from him again until Thursday after I sent him a text saying "thank you for showing me nothing has changed in this relationship". That started another argument and now I am just done, tired and dont care anymore.
He basically said he felt like I was giving him an ultimatum to move in together or break up. I never said that, but wanted to know if he ever thought about us moving in together, taking some form of a next step in the relationship.
But at this point, I dont even care anymore. I think something finally broke in me yesterday. I turned off my phone, turned off my facebook and have decided to disappear for a while. I just dont want to be bothered with life. Outside of my daughter, I dont care about anything or anyone anymore. I just want to be left alone. Too many times I have tried to reach out for support only to be told I am not being supportive. I have been knocked down too many times and now only want to deal with what has to be delt with.
I think its time to hit the reset button on life... If I had the means, I think I would literally pack my shit up, my daughter, and my dog up and leave. Go start over somewhere new.
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