Issuing a mayday.

It ain't getting any better.
But I see it, I recognize it for what it is.

I make a (false) realization or discovery, and I plummet.

Back 5 years ago or whenever that whole blur was, My discovery was that this is as good as it's gonna get; I am a lousy engineer, I don't care, engineers basically cannot dress, carry a simple conversation without acting like an uppity asshole, and pretty much stay within the confines of their own head, since understanding people and society and basic living in general involves no math.
And I am one of them. The kind of people I hate.
So it took me 18 months to pull out of that funk enough to stop shopping for methods of certain instant death.

Today it's similar, but not quite as extreme.

Today I am sick of mediocrity. Sick of living according to DW's list of things to fear. I can't stand making her scared, she in turn makes life unbearable. I am bored stiff but so tired I can't do much about it. I also realize that DW & I have been shopping for a home we cannot find because we simply cannot afford what we want and that puts us in a certain place. I dunno if she realizes this. she hasn't said anything in that direction.
I hate this existence. My tdoc used to say..." if you don't like it, you can change it." Well that's a simple pimple, but if you know me well enough, I can change but the risk of not finding satisfaction is too much to deal with. Like buying tons of clothes but not feeling like you accomplished anything, or eating when you are not hungry. you just don't get what you intended when you started out.
Tdoc also used to say..."It is...what it is." I secretly said to myself, if I am going to live my life thru adages I would prefer "Waddaya say we go out for pizza and sex?"
But still, it's important to know what you can change and what you can't. I get confused b/c I always thought that you can will yourself through anything if you want it badly enough. well, I can't get it to stop raining here. And I can't convince my wife that a nearly celibate relationship totally sucks.
Whatever. I really don't have time to dwell in that little circular direction of futility.