Is there something wrong with me?
I need some advice from this group, because you are the only ones who can understand. My son has been gone for over 2 years now. I am not in denial in the sense that I know that it is real, however I put a wall up and have just blocked out facing a lot of things. I guess if I don't have to think about it then somehow it doesn't seem as real. I am going to tell you something that makes me feel like a horrible person and mother.
My son was cremated and my husband "put the ashes away". In other words I could not even look at them, or I thought I would pass out. If I didn't see that container it wasn't real-- I suspect that they are probably in the attic with some of his other belongings that I have still never been able to go through. Of course Jesse never gave any wishes on where he wanted his ashes. Why would a 29 year old even be thinking of such a thing? I have thought many times about spreading them over the Gulf of Mexico down in Florida since he loved it there, but the thought of them being gone into the never never land makes me feel like panicking. I would have to let go of him then. I know that sounds stupid since I don't have him now, but it feels like there is a part of him still here near me. So, the second choice is that I could bury the container someplace that I could visit and it would feel more real that I am physical seeing and remembering him somewhere. However, I don't know if this would comfort me or make me feel more sad. So, in turn I have done nothing. I have not faced having to make a decision for over 2 years that I'm afraid I will make the wrong one and it is the last decision for my son that I have left. However.....by doing nothing I have left those ashes in an attic and not even looked at them. How could I be more horrible??? Because I can't face it; the result has been that I have not honored him at all. I realize that he isn't actually there and his soul is somewhere else.....that's another whole topic that I'm confused about.
I just don't know what to do. I feel like an evil person who has committed a crime and has kidnapped someone and hiding them away in the attic unattended. I feel guilty about this everyday, but just haven't been able to bring myself to make a decision that I'm afraid will be wrong and then I can't take it back. What should I do??? I need some advice.
Thanks to all of you for always being there to listen even though I haven't been very good about writing. I still find it extremely difficult to even talk about. Again, the same thing.....if I don't talk about it then it isn't real kind of thing.
June
My son was cremated and my husband "put the ashes away". In other words I could not even look at them, or I thought I would pass out. If I didn't see that container it wasn't real-- I suspect that they are probably in the attic with some of his other belongings that I have still never been able to go through. Of course Jesse never gave any wishes on where he wanted his ashes. Why would a 29 year old even be thinking of such a thing? I have thought many times about spreading them over the Gulf of Mexico down in Florida since he loved it there, but the thought of them being gone into the never never land makes me feel like panicking. I would have to let go of him then. I know that sounds stupid since I don't have him now, but it feels like there is a part of him still here near me. So, the second choice is that I could bury the container someplace that I could visit and it would feel more real that I am physical seeing and remembering him somewhere. However, I don't know if this would comfort me or make me feel more sad. So, in turn I have done nothing. I have not faced having to make a decision for over 2 years that I'm afraid I will make the wrong one and it is the last decision for my son that I have left. However.....by doing nothing I have left those ashes in an attic and not even looked at them. How could I be more horrible??? Because I can't face it; the result has been that I have not honored him at all. I realize that he isn't actually there and his soul is somewhere else.....that's another whole topic that I'm confused about.
I just don't know what to do. I feel like an evil person who has committed a crime and has kidnapped someone and hiding them away in the attic unattended. I feel guilty about this everyday, but just haven't been able to bring myself to make a decision that I'm afraid will be wrong and then I can't take it back. What should I do??? I need some advice.
Thanks to all of you for always being there to listen even though I haven't been very good about writing. I still find it extremely difficult to even talk about. Again, the same thing.....if I don't talk about it then it isn't real kind of thing.
June
Replies
Sweetest June, no, there is nothing wrong with you. Everything you wrote sounds perfect normal and sane and filled with LOVE to me.
I think it\'s good that you have \"put away\" the ashes for now. One day I suspect you will be able to hold that sacred container in your hands, cradle it in your arms....and fall completely apart. You may find yourself \"finding\" it and \"hiding\" it for years. THAT\'S OK! Don\'t push yourself to do anything! When the time is right, you\'ll test yourself and you\'ll know for sure when it\'s time to bring the ashed to a new place, where in your home, or buried somewhere, or even scattered in beautiful places. Until you can hold the urn and breathe at the same time.....don\'t make any decisions regarding it. That\'s my advice. I hope it helps in some small measure.
And don\'t you think for one second that you haven\'t honored your son!! You have! You do! You are every single day! He SEES your heart, he knows the love. That is how we honor our children the best....with the love that is in our hearts. Monuments and scholarships and \"stuff\" is all great, but the honor is in the LOVE. Without love, nothing else matters.
Peace and Blessings and LOVE to you and yours today and always~~
Oh my dear. You are not an evil person! You are a loving mother. You are doing what is right for you out of deep, enduring love. There is no right or wrong way to honor your son. We each do what is right for us, when the time is right.
The one thing I have learned is that there is no right or wrong way. There is no guidebook for how to be a bereaved mother. When i joined FMO, it was because I did not know how to behave! Was I supposed to be a stoic mom with a stiff upper lip? If so, I failed badly. I felt so guilty about everything. I regret some things I did and said, but realize now that I was grieving and losing a child doesn\'t make sense. So please do not feel like you must \'do\' something. What you are doing now is the right thing.
Love and tight hugs,
Marlene
There is nothing \"wrong\" with you as you are a grieving mother trying to do your best with each day. There is a reason why those ashes have been put away and they still may need to remain there for awhile. I have found that I could not push myself in any of these decisions either and needed to wait until it felt safe to explore some of my choices.
The last thing that you are is a \"horrible\" mom or person. Everyone here has had to find their own way to navigate this tremendous loss and there is not a \"one size fits all.\" As Teri mentioned your son knows your heart and sees things now in a way he could not earth side and the last one that needs an explanation about this is him... I suspect he desires you to do whatever may bring some comfort, healing and peace.
It takes courage to write a journal and I\"m grateful that you have and this is a safe place where we can share and in the sharing IS the healing.
Loving care dear June and don\'t for a minute feel that there is a timeline with any of these decisions. You will know and it will come.
XO Joanie
It has been 5-1/2 years since our son died. I have not been able to part with his ashes either. My husband and I purchased a stone for the Armed Forces city memorial. I asked if we could put a small amount of ashes under the stone and they said yes. That is where his brother goes to visit as needed. The three of us miss him so much, none of us has ever approached the others on what, where, when to part with him.
This is such a delicate path, nothing is right or wrong. It is all so hard and we have healed a lot but not enough yet. Be gentle with yourself. When you are ready, you will know...
I don\'t have the ashes problem but I do have Morgan\'s room and belongings...... they are almost untouched.... I have only gone through one drawer and I gave a few pieces of jewelry to my nieces ... her things will stay behind her closed door for a long time to come.... I am not ready yet and it has been 5 years...love ya!