Is there something wrong with me?
I am worried I am not grieving enough. It has been nearly 7 weeks since my beautiful son left this world, and I have been to the dark side, been depressed but right now I dont feel too awful. I read all the journals on here and I think 'What is wrong with me?' Sure I cry at times but I am not in intense pain day and night, I walk on the beach with my new puppy and feel OK. I don't really care much about life, I worry I will never feel the same joy I used to feel when walking on the beach with the sun of my face but I don't seem to be devastated.
If you saw me out and about you would never guess what had happened in my life just 7 short weeks ago. Am I still in denial? Is the worst yet to come? of am i just an amazing coper? I have always been strong but I never ever would have thought I could survive the death of my son. He is the only good thing I have achieved in my life.
I have been married 4 times, I have been through awful experiences but the one thing that defined me was being a Mom to Toby. I could say to people 'My son Toby is at College (university), my son Toby, my son, my son.
Now what do I say, my son killed himself!!!!! I want so much to be proud of my son and I am proud of him, but how can I accept what he did. I think I may be blocking a lot of it out, but maybe it is best not to question it too much.
I have been a fan of Byron Katie, and i have her book 'Loving what is'. I read the chapter headed - How to make friends with the worst that can happen' and I did try to take it on board but it is so hard. Her philosopy is that death is not a tragedy, and that we don't really know what death is. I want to buy into this but it is not easy.
One thing I know for sure, is that I will never be the same person and my life will now be so different because Toby had gone far away to a place where I cannot see him or hear his voice. WHo knows what direction my life will take now. Maybe I will value life more, love more and not waste my time of people and things that are worthless to me.
I feel strongly that I would like to contribute and help others, so maybe that's where I will go and do it all in the memory of my beautiful son.
Even though my son did not leave me a note, I feel sure he loved me more than he loved anyone else. I know i was there for him, and I would rather think I did too much for him than not enough.
I'll always love you Toby. I have a new puppy called Elfie and she is helping me heal, you would have loved her. I pray you are at peace my beautiful boy, I will always be your mother and I will keep loving you for infinity and beyond.
If you saw me out and about you would never guess what had happened in my life just 7 short weeks ago. Am I still in denial? Is the worst yet to come? of am i just an amazing coper? I have always been strong but I never ever would have thought I could survive the death of my son. He is the only good thing I have achieved in my life.
I have been married 4 times, I have been through awful experiences but the one thing that defined me was being a Mom to Toby. I could say to people 'My son Toby is at College (university), my son Toby, my son, my son.
Now what do I say, my son killed himself!!!!! I want so much to be proud of my son and I am proud of him, but how can I accept what he did. I think I may be blocking a lot of it out, but maybe it is best not to question it too much.
I have been a fan of Byron Katie, and i have her book 'Loving what is'. I read the chapter headed - How to make friends with the worst that can happen' and I did try to take it on board but it is so hard. Her philosopy is that death is not a tragedy, and that we don't really know what death is. I want to buy into this but it is not easy.
One thing I know for sure, is that I will never be the same person and my life will now be so different because Toby had gone far away to a place where I cannot see him or hear his voice. WHo knows what direction my life will take now. Maybe I will value life more, love more and not waste my time of people and things that are worthless to me.
I feel strongly that I would like to contribute and help others, so maybe that's where I will go and do it all in the memory of my beautiful son.
Even though my son did not leave me a note, I feel sure he loved me more than he loved anyone else. I know i was there for him, and I would rather think I did too much for him than not enough.
I'll always love you Toby. I have a new puppy called Elfie and she is helping me heal, you would have loved her. I pray you are at peace my beautiful boy, I will always be your mother and I will keep loving you for infinity and beyond.
Replies
Anne, brace yourself....you will encounter all the different phases of grief at different times in your life. I don\'t think Grief ever gets through with us...we just endure. I am glad for the peace you have at the moment...and I can\'t say it is such a bad place to be. I can hardly bear the times when I think of Brandon and miss him so much my chest feels like it will burst open. What really hurts is when the tears build up and your eyes stay dry. Crying is a way to purge the sadness.....a gift that cleanses our deepest pain.
You have a wonderful giving attitude that will help you through this life...giving is far better than receiving, as they say. Life never ends...it just ends here. My best to you as you try to figure this all out...as you sludge though the phases...as you walk on the beach....as you play with the new pup, that no doubt, Toby would love....and as he is loving you from just beyond \"the veil\"....another book that tries to help people cope with tragedy is \"The ShacK\" by Wm Paul Young...it may help you, too. My love and hugs always....
dale, brandon\'s mom
One thing I heard years ago, years before Kala\'s accident, that really stuck with me is, \"the length of time spent grieving does not measure the amount of love felt\". This is so powerful and so freeing to me. I am not required to live in deep, intense, dark grief for the rest of my human experience!! So, what is the magic number? How many days do we grieve and cry for our children? The number is how ever many days it takes. The grief does not end just because the tears end. And the constant tears do not mean more love is felt. If I cry or if I smile, I miss my child. If I scream at the universe or laugh out loud, I miss my child. We are each different, with different philosophies, different lifestyles, different life experiences, and have different coping skills and innate ways of being. Grief doesn\'t change that. We don\'t instantly fall into a mold once we loose a child. There are no 1, 2, 3, steps to grieving for our children. There is no right or wrong. I too am a \"strong\" person, whatever that means. I feel very deeply, I love very deeply, and I self analzye constantly. I remember shortly after Kala\'s accident proclaiming I was done with grieving. Yep, I\'d made up my mind after about 5-6 weeks that that was enough and I was done. Then WHAM! my heart got bombarded all over again. I\'ve found during these past 4 1/2 years that I continue to grieve the loss of my child, and it takes many forms and takes me through many ups and downs. I\'ve learned when I feel like crying, it\'s OK to cry, and when I feel like laughing till I pee my pants, that\'s OK too! None of it, means one single thing about how I feel about my daughter! My tears do not mean I love her and my laughter does not mean I\'m over it. I don\'t know if I\'ve said anything that is helpful for you or not my friend, but I hope you will see that it is OK to not cry today. If you need to cry tomorrow, that will be OK too. I don\'t think there\'s a finish line...
One more thing I will add in referrence to your statement about being defined as Toby\'s mom. I hear you, I get that, truly I do. I also had my eyes opened up by a discussion post by our president AnnM about what defines us. In a nutshell I discovered, or reclaimed, the fact that I am not defined by being a \"grieving\" mom any more than by simply being a mom. I am many things to many people and I am ME to myself. Being a mother is about as good as it gets, but I am more than a mom...I have to be...otherwise, how would I survive this nightmare?
Sending you so much love and understanding my friend~~Teri.
Denial,,,could be,,, that rollercoaster ride may hit you,,,may not... glad you hav e that puupy to help....peace to you,,Nora
I was April\'s Mom. I forgot how to be anyone else. Almost six months and this day is almost as bad as in the beginning but I\'m tired of this, tired of the panic, tired of the crying, tired of the nightmares that are beginning to bother me, tired of being alone forever, with no one left to buy special things for even though the urge is still there...to bring her a candy or stop at Wendy\'s and surprise her..there is no \"her\". Yes I do believe in an afterlife, yes I have had signs, but she\'s not here. And I\'m terrified of the holidays. I don\'t know if I can get through this. I don\'t know if I want to. If you can stay in this place, if this is all there is for you, count yourself extremely blessed.
When you bury emotions deep into your core, they will pop up and get you. I tryed to \"be normal\" go back to work, smile then emotions attacked . I started out just crying myself to sleep every night. Hiding like a turtle in his shell. It takes time one foot forward two steps back. New coping skills come out, and then a new \"normal\" never the same person before my childs death.
When you need us we are here. Do not be hard on yourself, put love into taking care of your new pup. Also post pictures of Elifie always loved looking at cute pic\'s of children and animals.
Hugs Penny
I\'m no expert on this grief stuff. I do know it is unique to each of us and perhaps you will feel that devasting pain later, perhaps not. I think it is all in our expectations. I wanted to literally die myself in the first few months, but after counseling and finding this site, I learned from those further along this path, that I would be ok and then my expectations changed to those of being ok. You may draw on your experiences of being married four times. Coming out of a marriage is a loss. Not a death but a loss none the less and maybe your coping mechanisms on dealing with loss are helping you now. In any case, I think you should feel the emotions you are feeling...nothing more, nothing less and take each day. I pray that you will feel joy again and you will be able to feel that sun on your face. I have a book titled...\"Tragedy or Destiny\" so I know how you can feel confused at times. I wonder if any of this will ever make sense to any of us. Sending you love and hugs in the days ahead. Love Robin
WE are each different. Allow yourself to feel whatever you feel...if it is okay then let it be okay...there is a chance that other emotions will come and go...just go with the flow. I know that distractions DO help so Elfie is definitely a blessing. Take gentle care of yourself...love and hugs...Karen