Is there really a way to survive this pain?

I know we all have good days and bad days.  I don't seem to have any hope of things ever improving or the pain lessening.  I've just had a call from my youngest son who is the only one left of my three children. happily, he seems more upbeat and positive the last few days.  His job is going well and he has friends in the city and I am so relieved that he's got away from our home town to make a fresh start. He still has health issues, largely related to the stress of the family break up, but for now seems to be getting on with his new life and for that I am truly grateful, as he attempted suicide last September and has seemed on a path of self-destruction.  I am in the depths of despair however.  I somehow found the strength to turn up  looking 'calm and composed' for the divorce hearing in February, even went for a job interview the day after, but since then I have sunk deeper into this blackness.  Mothers' day brought no cards from my daughter or older son.  They didn't send a birthday card to their brother either. My daughter is getting married in N.Y. in a couple of weeks, flies out Friday.  The outfit I bought for her special day while out shopping with her hangs in my wardrobe. I live alone in the 'family' home since my stbx left, taking with him the two older kids and my cats. friends don't understand.  This isn't 'just a divorce'.  Being so completely estranged from my kids is the worst pain I have ever known. My counsellor says they may never come back to me. I can't see how they ever would as their father has done such a good job of turning them against me that they even made statements supporting his allegation that I had threatened to kill him. ( the police saw his claim for what it was- sheer malice- in a bitter divorce- and it went no further, but it was traumatic and I feel so betrayed that they got involved to that extent).  I have til August defore the decree absolute, my stbx has run his business into the ground so he can avoid paying me maintenance, he will be entitled to a proportion of my inheritance as he is deeply in debt and has no savings. The house has to be sold and there is insufficient capital to re-house us both, so I am fearful of the future .  I have not yet found a job, depite countless applications.  Running this big house and the enormous legal fees are eroding  my savings. He has not only turned the children against me, but continues to tell the most dreadful lies about me around here. I spent over three decades as a wife and mother, always looking after others and putting their needs first and now i find there is no-one to look after me when I need help most.  My younger son does his best but he is struggling too and I need to appear strong for his sake.  I don't want him to ever feel he isn't 'enough' for me.  Ironically, I think if it weren't for the need to be around for him, I'd be dead by now.  People say things will get better, I'll be happier without my stbx in the long run.  But without the kids, I cannot see a future.  I do not know who I am or who I want to be so I simply don't see how to  begin to reinvent myself.  And how should I explain to people why I'm estranged from my children? I suspect those who I do tell think it must be my fault.  The story is too long, painful and complex to share with any but very close friends.  I think even my best friends are tiring of me not getting over it as quickly as they feel I should be.  I don't know where to even start trying to address these issues.  I keep praying I'll wake up and find this is just a nightmare. Rationally I know there is no solution but this just makes me more desperate. I am lonely and grieving and scared. My doctor and counsellor are sympathetic and say I can't begin to heal until the divorce process is over and I know where I'll be living etc  I'm just not sure I can last that long.  it has already been 8 months without my children and we were so close. i feel that without hope there is nothing to keep me going.  Perhaps I am just weak.  I do just what I have to do.  I find no pleasure in anything anymore.  I have panic attacks, I cry, I am a wreck. Sorry to be so very negative