Is my relationship emotionally abusive?
I am just going to post a few communications between myself and my significant other here. I need to know if I am being emotionally abused or vice versa. I always think I am being manipulated, but I think I have dealt with it so long now that I have a hard time seeing it. Definitely need the perspective of fresh eyes. Names have been either astericked out, or changed to generic, mom, brother, aunt, etc.
**************************************************
12/18/2010
From Me:
I feel anxious about coming to see you today. I dont know what its going to be like. I am worried that its going to be another frustrating weekend. I just want to be peaceful and relax and have fun. I dont want every weekend to be a battle or a struggle. I dont want to feel like I am a bad person for not having a sexual drive or made to feel like I am the most heartless person in the world because of that. OR to feel that if I dont read your mind in the hugs, kisses, hold hands, or comments department, that I am so horrible and dont love or care about you. I do love you and care about you. I didnt teach you that you couldnt come to the door to give me love and kisses, I just dont want you to be upset if I am trying to put down the twenty things that I am carrying into the house at that very moment. I am scared I am going to go back into your house and its going to be the same thing again. I honestly feel like your sensitivity to things is at an extremely high level right now. The neediness that you have and need is so overwhelming that sometimes I feel suffocated. I am not trying to say this to hurt your feelings, but that is why you get the pull away sometimes. I feel like I have to be this perfect, loving, affectionate partner, and I want to be able to come to your house and chill and not have to worry about every action, touch, or word that comes from me. If I am always feeling this way, then I am not going to feel comfortable or like I can be myself. I dont know how to make you see where I am coming from or understand. You need that love and affection all the time. I need love and affection too, just to a lesser extent. I just need a break from this type of atmosphere. I need to feel like I can be myself. I need to be able to be an individual at your house too as well as your partner. I need to be able to act and react as I would with out having to worry about hurting your feelings and you letting me know for the rest of the day. I am a loving and affectionate person, but the actions and the circumstances have made me pull away. I need the relationship to be normal and healthy. Not one full of neediness and where if I dont love you a certain way or act in the way that you want, I am left to feel guilty and have to automatically remedy it like I owe it to you. I honestly think this relationship is on the border of emotionally abusive. I feel guilty and worried if I dont react or do something the exact way then I am going to have to dote on you until I get you in your happy place again. Someone should be allowed to love and show affection the way they feel it, not show it the way the person expects it. What isnt healthy is when I go to give my duaghter a hug and a kiss, and you get upset, hurt, or jealous. You should not be jealous of the affection I give to my daughter. It is not a romantic love, its a motherly love. Also, why is it I can love and hug on your on the couch and hold you hands during movies, but when it comes to the sexual stuff, that is the only thing that matters? Why cant my love and kisses and hugs and snuggles be good enough? Why does the lack of sexual act have to undo the whole weekend and make it unpleasant until that is remedied? Its not loving, or caring When I ask you about the sexual connection the response I believe I got was Well get through this.. Does that mean its always going to be the same if I dont desire sex, then you are going to feel hurt and unloved or unwanted? You say you just want to be loved you have been loved, this entire time.. you have been cared for, and adored, and given affection. My exasperation and my pull away stems from your actions and reactions, when your feelings get hurt and you sulk for the entire day, to the point where if I try to love you, hug you, or give you kisses, I get a half smile then the sulk for the rest of the day. I dont like this pattern, I dont like where its going, I dont like what its doing to me, I dont like that its changing our relationship. I am fearful I am scared to go over there today. I dont know what to expect, I dont feel its going to be love I feel its going to be what I owe you and you arent going to feel like I love or care about you until I do that it kills it.. its gone for me when I have to worry about that. I am not trying to say this to not give you that intimacy, but these reactions that you have to our current sexual situation is not going to ever make it better. I am not going to desire it if I feel its my job to do it, I am not going to want it, if I feel like you see it as I owe it to you or the only way that I can show you I love you. It will never get better when its like this. It needs to be removed from the picture completely until you see that I can love and care about you with out sex and you can feel loved and needed with out that aspect. I need to feel like I am here to be your partner not for what I can fill. The love and the care you dont see in my eyes when we are talking is that I feel attacked and told I am not loving or caring to you because I dont feel that need. I am told I am cold hearted and heartless.. that causes that emotional shut off completely.
His Response: (12/18/10)
I love you.. I dont want to make you feel that way. I just want to be understood and to be there for you and understand how you feel more when you come to me. When we are intimate it is about love and connection for me.. it felt like that being taken away was a confirmation of my fears when you are upset and I dont know whats going on. I want you to come and we can hold each other, snuggle and if you want we can talk more or we can do it some other time, darling.. with so much going on and being so stressed Im sorry if Im not myself and its taken out on you in hyper-sensitivity. All I want is for us to communicate with each other, love and need each other and be there for each other in every way all while becoming happier and falling deeper in love. I know theres a lot here Im not getting to right now but I do understand and just want you to know I do hold your every thought and feeling above all things.. I know it doesnt seem that way when I get so exhausted. Im sorry, my love. I will never stop doing whatever it takes to bring us closer and happier.. I hope you feel that way to, beautiful *kiss* I just got home and need to eat but I wanted to send this to you and let you know how much you mean to me and that I love you and hope you can always feel that no matter what.. even though it gets stronger every moment. Do you know what youd like to have for dinner, honey? I was gonna surprise you or just see where you felt like going . I just want to hold you and love on each other.. *you* are all I need .. I just feel like the burn out from everything else makes me feel like a failure or a bad person to everyone for needing the rest to rejuvenate. Your love does make all that better but its not that Im using you to fulfil a need .. I just want you to know you always make things better.. because I love you.
********************************************************
Older stuff
********************************************************
12/14/2010
From Me:
I am not ignoring you I just dont want to argue and fight. I know we have things we need to work out, but I dont have it in me for an argument right now, or to hear how heartless I am because I dont have a libido. I hope you are doing well, I love you
From Him:
I love you too. I try to talk with you and it seems to make you angry with me so Im never heard and have to fight for it. I try to snuggle and talk and be calm and hold your hand. I feel like you shut down and look at with with emptiness. I said you were heartlesss because it didnt matter how I feel.. you laughed when I said I felt alone and was stressed out. That hurt deeply. Im trying to have intimacy with you and express love even when my libido is off too.. you describe it in the most vulgar terms and that hurts. Im not doing well.. but who do I have on my side to talk with it about..? I love you and want to be with you and keep changing things to make things better.. you tell me to find someone else. You need to take responsibility for what you are doing to destroy us. What do I ask of you that is so horrible? Dont I deserve to at least feel like you want to want me or to hold each other and talk..?
From Me:
I dont remember laughing at you, but if I did, I apologize. I wasnt trying to make your problems or concerns seem insignificant. Its just I dont get any understanding about my drive. I try to do it when I can, but I dont always want to, and just because we only see each other once a week, its like I have to do it because I dont see you the rest of the week. There is no compromise. No, well at least try every other weekend or something. That is when it makes me feel like I am not heard and listened too and that is where the frustration comes in. That is when it makes me feel like its to fill a need and not about love and intimacy. Sometimes I just want to hold hands and hug, and have tender kisses, I dont want to feel like everything has to be sexual all the time I am there. You are the only person I go to with everything and share everything with. I dont tell my sisters everything I dont vent to anyone else and have to process everything on my own. And every time we have this conversation, it always ends up with how cold, uncaring, and heartless I am, and whats wrong with me? If I hear that all the time, then I am going to believe that is all you think of me. And if you cant see the other little things I do to try to make up for what I currently dont have, then I feel like why bother. It is like everything that is going wrong in your life, you want me to make up for. I have to be the constant good, the one that makes everything better. I can try to be there as much as I can, and show you all the love and care that I have, but I literally feel like I have to make sure that our moments are absolutely perfect, or you are going to let me know and I better be the one to fix it. I cant fix what is wrong in our relationship until I am able to fix whats wrong with me, just as you wont be able to either. I need the time to get myself back together, to achieve some self esteem, to have the chance to feel a sexual urge with out coming to your house with it already in my head, I am going to have to do this tonight, and do this in the morning. Knowing I am expected to do something instead of it being true intimacy, makes it feel fake, and makes me feel like I just need to fill your need. Intimacy can come in all forms besides sex, that is just the form that you want it in, and it doesnt matter at all how I feel about the situation, or how I feel on the inside. That is where the shut down comes in, because I am trying to protect myself from all the feelings of not being loved for who I am, but for what I can do for you. It never changes, its the same. And its not just me thats not trying to change this, you arent either. You still expect it every weekend, and if I dont, well then its not going to be a pleasant weekend. That is where the exasperation comes in, the yelling. And boy, when I started to get upset, you were right back in that game, making sure I knew I was a cold and heartless bitch. How about, I am just a person who does not want sex right now. That doesnt mean I dont love you, that doesnt mean I dont care about you or dont want *you*, I just dont want that. But you dont understand, and you see it from your perspective. Because you dont have it and still try, I am supposed to also. This is what causes the pull away. You need to be responsible for what you are doing that is destroying us too. It is currently both of us destroying this not just me. And until you see that, its always going to be the same. I am tired of feeling like this is all one sided, like this is all me. Because its not. Your actions have repercussions too. Its not the love and caring that that is destroying us because I have that and I give that. Its the bedroom issue. But until you see it for what it is we will always have this problem. I love you.
From Him:
I love you soo much and am willing to do anything and everything because you and we are worth it darling. I want to better think about and weigh all of this to try to better be there for you and us. I hope it doesnt come across any other way other that I love you and want to be with you forever. Im sorry for my part and I do need help from you and for us to help each other. Thank you for opening up and expressing to me how you feel. You are the only one I want and to come to and I want to always be that to you too. I love you, beautiful love.
12/15/2010
From Him:
Darling, I love you.. I want to be everything for you and I do love and respect you for who *you* are. My need is to feel like you are excited to see me, to hear from me, that when you come in the door nothing is more important than our embrace and kiss, to feel like you do want me even if your drive is off because I do understand. The intimacy in the bedroom is not about sex, its about reconnecting with you and expressing love. Thats why when you dont touch me or dont want it hurts because I feel its *me* you are rejecting. I do try to do everything to correct that and be sexxxy to you..
**************************************************
12/18/2010
From Me:
I feel anxious about coming to see you today. I dont know what its going to be like. I am worried that its going to be another frustrating weekend. I just want to be peaceful and relax and have fun. I dont want every weekend to be a battle or a struggle. I dont want to feel like I am a bad person for not having a sexual drive or made to feel like I am the most heartless person in the world because of that. OR to feel that if I dont read your mind in the hugs, kisses, hold hands, or comments department, that I am so horrible and dont love or care about you. I do love you and care about you. I didnt teach you that you couldnt come to the door to give me love and kisses, I just dont want you to be upset if I am trying to put down the twenty things that I am carrying into the house at that very moment. I am scared I am going to go back into your house and its going to be the same thing again. I honestly feel like your sensitivity to things is at an extremely high level right now. The neediness that you have and need is so overwhelming that sometimes I feel suffocated. I am not trying to say this to hurt your feelings, but that is why you get the pull away sometimes. I feel like I have to be this perfect, loving, affectionate partner, and I want to be able to come to your house and chill and not have to worry about every action, touch, or word that comes from me. If I am always feeling this way, then I am not going to feel comfortable or like I can be myself. I dont know how to make you see where I am coming from or understand. You need that love and affection all the time. I need love and affection too, just to a lesser extent. I just need a break from this type of atmosphere. I need to feel like I can be myself. I need to be able to be an individual at your house too as well as your partner. I need to be able to act and react as I would with out having to worry about hurting your feelings and you letting me know for the rest of the day. I am a loving and affectionate person, but the actions and the circumstances have made me pull away. I need the relationship to be normal and healthy. Not one full of neediness and where if I dont love you a certain way or act in the way that you want, I am left to feel guilty and have to automatically remedy it like I owe it to you. I honestly think this relationship is on the border of emotionally abusive. I feel guilty and worried if I dont react or do something the exact way then I am going to have to dote on you until I get you in your happy place again. Someone should be allowed to love and show affection the way they feel it, not show it the way the person expects it. What isnt healthy is when I go to give my duaghter a hug and a kiss, and you get upset, hurt, or jealous. You should not be jealous of the affection I give to my daughter. It is not a romantic love, its a motherly love. Also, why is it I can love and hug on your on the couch and hold you hands during movies, but when it comes to the sexual stuff, that is the only thing that matters? Why cant my love and kisses and hugs and snuggles be good enough? Why does the lack of sexual act have to undo the whole weekend and make it unpleasant until that is remedied? Its not loving, or caring When I ask you about the sexual connection the response I believe I got was Well get through this.. Does that mean its always going to be the same if I dont desire sex, then you are going to feel hurt and unloved or unwanted? You say you just want to be loved you have been loved, this entire time.. you have been cared for, and adored, and given affection. My exasperation and my pull away stems from your actions and reactions, when your feelings get hurt and you sulk for the entire day, to the point where if I try to love you, hug you, or give you kisses, I get a half smile then the sulk for the rest of the day. I dont like this pattern, I dont like where its going, I dont like what its doing to me, I dont like that its changing our relationship. I am fearful I am scared to go over there today. I dont know what to expect, I dont feel its going to be love I feel its going to be what I owe you and you arent going to feel like I love or care about you until I do that it kills it.. its gone for me when I have to worry about that. I am not trying to say this to not give you that intimacy, but these reactions that you have to our current sexual situation is not going to ever make it better. I am not going to desire it if I feel its my job to do it, I am not going to want it, if I feel like you see it as I owe it to you or the only way that I can show you I love you. It will never get better when its like this. It needs to be removed from the picture completely until you see that I can love and care about you with out sex and you can feel loved and needed with out that aspect. I need to feel like I am here to be your partner not for what I can fill. The love and the care you dont see in my eyes when we are talking is that I feel attacked and told I am not loving or caring to you because I dont feel that need. I am told I am cold hearted and heartless.. that causes that emotional shut off completely.
His Response: (12/18/10)
I love you.. I dont want to make you feel that way. I just want to be understood and to be there for you and understand how you feel more when you come to me. When we are intimate it is about love and connection for me.. it felt like that being taken away was a confirmation of my fears when you are upset and I dont know whats going on. I want you to come and we can hold each other, snuggle and if you want we can talk more or we can do it some other time, darling.. with so much going on and being so stressed Im sorry if Im not myself and its taken out on you in hyper-sensitivity. All I want is for us to communicate with each other, love and need each other and be there for each other in every way all while becoming happier and falling deeper in love. I know theres a lot here Im not getting to right now but I do understand and just want you to know I do hold your every thought and feeling above all things.. I know it doesnt seem that way when I get so exhausted. Im sorry, my love. I will never stop doing whatever it takes to bring us closer and happier.. I hope you feel that way to, beautiful *kiss* I just got home and need to eat but I wanted to send this to you and let you know how much you mean to me and that I love you and hope you can always feel that no matter what.. even though it gets stronger every moment. Do you know what youd like to have for dinner, honey? I was gonna surprise you or just see where you felt like going . I just want to hold you and love on each other.. *you* are all I need .. I just feel like the burn out from everything else makes me feel like a failure or a bad person to everyone for needing the rest to rejuvenate. Your love does make all that better but its not that Im using you to fulfil a need .. I just want you to know you always make things better.. because I love you.
********************************************************
Older stuff
********************************************************
12/14/2010
From Me:
I am not ignoring you I just dont want to argue and fight. I know we have things we need to work out, but I dont have it in me for an argument right now, or to hear how heartless I am because I dont have a libido. I hope you are doing well, I love you
From Him:
I love you too. I try to talk with you and it seems to make you angry with me so Im never heard and have to fight for it. I try to snuggle and talk and be calm and hold your hand. I feel like you shut down and look at with with emptiness. I said you were heartlesss because it didnt matter how I feel.. you laughed when I said I felt alone and was stressed out. That hurt deeply. Im trying to have intimacy with you and express love even when my libido is off too.. you describe it in the most vulgar terms and that hurts. Im not doing well.. but who do I have on my side to talk with it about..? I love you and want to be with you and keep changing things to make things better.. you tell me to find someone else. You need to take responsibility for what you are doing to destroy us. What do I ask of you that is so horrible? Dont I deserve to at least feel like you want to want me or to hold each other and talk..?
From Me:
I dont remember laughing at you, but if I did, I apologize. I wasnt trying to make your problems or concerns seem insignificant. Its just I dont get any understanding about my drive. I try to do it when I can, but I dont always want to, and just because we only see each other once a week, its like I have to do it because I dont see you the rest of the week. There is no compromise. No, well at least try every other weekend or something. That is when it makes me feel like I am not heard and listened too and that is where the frustration comes in. That is when it makes me feel like its to fill a need and not about love and intimacy. Sometimes I just want to hold hands and hug, and have tender kisses, I dont want to feel like everything has to be sexual all the time I am there. You are the only person I go to with everything and share everything with. I dont tell my sisters everything I dont vent to anyone else and have to process everything on my own. And every time we have this conversation, it always ends up with how cold, uncaring, and heartless I am, and whats wrong with me? If I hear that all the time, then I am going to believe that is all you think of me. And if you cant see the other little things I do to try to make up for what I currently dont have, then I feel like why bother. It is like everything that is going wrong in your life, you want me to make up for. I have to be the constant good, the one that makes everything better. I can try to be there as much as I can, and show you all the love and care that I have, but I literally feel like I have to make sure that our moments are absolutely perfect, or you are going to let me know and I better be the one to fix it. I cant fix what is wrong in our relationship until I am able to fix whats wrong with me, just as you wont be able to either. I need the time to get myself back together, to achieve some self esteem, to have the chance to feel a sexual urge with out coming to your house with it already in my head, I am going to have to do this tonight, and do this in the morning. Knowing I am expected to do something instead of it being true intimacy, makes it feel fake, and makes me feel like I just need to fill your need. Intimacy can come in all forms besides sex, that is just the form that you want it in, and it doesnt matter at all how I feel about the situation, or how I feel on the inside. That is where the shut down comes in, because I am trying to protect myself from all the feelings of not being loved for who I am, but for what I can do for you. It never changes, its the same. And its not just me thats not trying to change this, you arent either. You still expect it every weekend, and if I dont, well then its not going to be a pleasant weekend. That is where the exasperation comes in, the yelling. And boy, when I started to get upset, you were right back in that game, making sure I knew I was a cold and heartless bitch. How about, I am just a person who does not want sex right now. That doesnt mean I dont love you, that doesnt mean I dont care about you or dont want *you*, I just dont want that. But you dont understand, and you see it from your perspective. Because you dont have it and still try, I am supposed to also. This is what causes the pull away. You need to be responsible for what you are doing that is destroying us too. It is currently both of us destroying this not just me. And until you see that, its always going to be the same. I am tired of feeling like this is all one sided, like this is all me. Because its not. Your actions have repercussions too. Its not the love and caring that that is destroying us because I have that and I give that. Its the bedroom issue. But until you see it for what it is we will always have this problem. I love you.
From Him:
I love you soo much and am willing to do anything and everything because you and we are worth it darling. I want to better think about and weigh all of this to try to better be there for you and us. I hope it doesnt come across any other way other that I love you and want to be with you forever. Im sorry for my part and I do need help from you and for us to help each other. Thank you for opening up and expressing to me how you feel. You are the only one I want and to come to and I want to always be that to you too. I love you, beautiful love.
12/15/2010
From Him:
Darling, I love you.. I want to be everything for you and I do love and respect you for who *you* are. My need is to feel like you are excited to see me, to hear from me, that when you come in the door nothing is more important than our embrace and kiss, to feel like you do want me even if your drive is off because I do understand. The intimacy in the bedroom is not about sex, its about reconnecting with you and expressing love. Thats why when you dont touch me or dont want it hurts because I feel its *me* you are rejecting. I do try to do everything to correct that and be sexxxy to you..
Replies
There is no manipulation or games here. It\'s very simple dear one..you are involved with a man who needs more from you than you can give him. The wall will become thicker and more painful unless one of you finally realize that this union is sucking the goodness right out of both of you. If you can\'t bare to move forward without him right now, try to distance yourself and take some time to yourself to see what you need. This distance will allow the \'light\' to shine in between you both and you\'ll then see very clearly what needs to be done. ((long hug))
No no no no... no. No manipulation here? You\'re kidding right?
Wow. Here\'s what I hear (and this is from experience with ex#1 and #2):
In a nutshell. He\'s starting to make your skin crawl with his neediness, and what I hear you trying to say to him, that\'s he\'s not \"hearing,\" is you feel like he is manipulating you, or even perhaps, training you to be his \"everything\".
Dead giveaway: \"I do try to do everything to correct that, and be sexxxxy to you\". Who says that?! Seriously, who says that except someone laying a big guilt trip on someone else. Again, he cannot be rejected by you, after all he\'s trying so hard, and being so perfect. Gag!
This guy is slick! Don\'t believe for a minute that there is not sleaze written all over this. This guy is attempting to rope you back in, because he feels you pulling away.
ABUSER\'S WILL SAY ANYTHING AND DO ANYTHING TO KEEP THEIR VICTIM FROM LEAVING THEM! If you reject him YOU WIN. It\'s a game.
Your feelings are spot on. He IS jealous of the relationship with your daughter. He IS manipulating you into doing what HE WANTS you to do, feel, and behave towards him. You said it all dear, DO NOT DOUBT YOURSELF! Confusion, guilt, shame, fear, etc is their weapons of choice. I\'m guessing guilt works the best on you.
If it FEELS manipulative, creepy, and suffocating, IT IS!
You\'re constantly defending and explaining yourself to him, because HE IS NOT HEARING YOU. You are not getting any validation. You are NOT getting YOUR NEEDS MET. THIS IS ALL ABOUT HIM!
If you don\'t think that it is, here\'s a test to give him. Tell him you need a break for a certain amount of time, let\'s say 3 months. You need space, and you need to concentrate on your future with your daughter.
I will bet dollars to donuts that he NOT ONLY DOES NOT LET YOU TAKE THAT BREAK (like a healthy, secure person would) but that he will bother you constantly, manufacture one crisis after another to get your attention, call all your family and friends to \"check up\" on you, because he\'s worried about you,\" and may even decided to \"propose marriage\" to keep you around.
You feel like something\'s not quite right, am I right? But you just can\'t put your finger on it, right? He\'s trying to control you through guilt, and the \"curse\" of not being a \"nice woman\". You see, there must be something wrong with you if you cannot fulfill his every need and whim. You\'re telling him how you feel, and all he tells you he hears is rejection. Wow! Guilt trip extraordinaire. And not wanting sex every time he wants it... there is something wrong with you! It\'s not you hun, it\'s him.
Try it. If I\'m wrong, what will it hurt? You get a break to clear your head, and you get to see how he behaves. If he does well, then call me on it. I\'ll be the first one to apologize, and you\'ll know for sure what you\'re dealing with.
p.s. I bet that anxiety starts going away about 3 weeks of \"no contact\" and it has to be absolutely no contact.