Is My Life Really Worth Living?

Wednesday, August 12, 2009 - 7:10 PM The problems I've been having with the CNA who has been taking some of my pain medication finally ended today. I opened a brand-new bottle of pills that she had gotten for me at the drugstore only to find out that some of them were missing. This CNA was the only person who could have taken them. After talking with the pharmacist at the drugstore, as well as the director of nursing for the home healthcare agency, it was decided that this CNA could no longer work for me.   When I got up this morning, I had an unusual feeling that some of my new medication was missing. I emptied the entire bottle onto my kitchen table and counted all of the pills. I did this several times after discovering that not all of the pills were there. I then called the drugstore and asked the pharmacist if they had run short on pills when they were filling my prescription. He said no, that he had filled my prescription himself, and that someone else had been there with him at the time.   After I told him that some of my medication was missing, he said that he would have to notify the authorities because the pills were narcotics, which were a controlled substance. He also added that the person who had gotten the pills for me would no longer be able to do that again. I informed him that from now on either I would get the medication myself, or would send someone else to do it for me.   I then called the director of nursing at my home healthcare agency, and told her what had occurred. She immediately said that my CNA would no longer be able to work for me. She also stated that knowing this CNA had taken my medication answered some things. I think, but do not know for sure, that hat she was referring to other times that some of my medicine had been taken. Having placed a lot of trust in this CNA throughout the past two years, and having struck up a good friendship with her during that time, I was extremely upset with the way things turned out this morning. I was trying to express my feelings to the director of nursing, but ran out of words for my thoughts. She told me that she thought I meant that I was feeling "betrayed," and I said she was entirely right. I am feeling hurt, angry, and sad tonight.   I saw my psychologist (Dr. Martin) this afternoon, and told her what had happened. She told me that I was not to blame. She said she felt that I was blaming myself for much of what has happened lately, and that she feels I have been traumatized, and it is all a part of the PTSD that I have experienced that goes back as far as my childhood.   Dr. Martin and I talked about things that happened when I was about six years old. All of them centered on events that occurred between my mother and me. They were not very pleasant to think about, and I had even managed to forget about some of them. I am sure we will continue talking about them next week.   I am not feeling good as I sit here writing about what occurred today. If I had never let this CNA have any of my pills to begin with then none of this would have happened. I am angry with her for asking me to let her have any of my pills in the first place, and I am also angry that I agreed to give any to her. I cannot help but feel that I'm doing one thing after another to continually ruin my life.

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

\"I am not feeling good as I sit here writing about what occurred today. If I had never let this CNA have any of my pills to begin with then none of this would have happened.\"

Bad. True, but she probably had her sites on you to begin with, and probably has with others.

You want to be a kind person so that others think well of you. There\'s nothing wrong with that so STOP BLAMING YOURSELF. You know NOW, that where your medication is concerned, you won\'t and can\'t be kind.

\"and I am also angry that I agreed to give any to her. I cannot help but feel that I\'m doing one thing after another to continually ruin my life.\"

Good to be angry, but not at yourself, for the reason I already stated.

Do you feel maybe, that you need to compensate for something, to give people these things? Compensate for your past? Which also WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. That being giving that way will somehow erase a self image you have of yourself, that no one else sees?

You are my friend. I ask you advice about music. You send me hugs and comment on my life and support me.

And that\'s what I see and remember about you.

I\'m not trying to dismiss the things you need to work on. I just want you to know, that you ARE more than those things.

Go ahead and feel bad Jim, process this loss, but please don\'t stay there too long. It\'s not worth it. You\'re allowed to take breaks from it, and go on picnics or other excursions, then go back to thinking.

And, let the others who also have responsibility to deal with it, do their jobs.

You don\'t have to do it all Jim.

Hugs and Mojo
Weebs
deleted_user
deleted_user

God...that woman is good...
Yep. What she said.
I will come back tomorrow to comment.
It is almost 3 am.
Things just seemed to work out that I am still up...not awake ...but up.

I am so freaken glad this woman is gone and out of your life.

You were scammed, my friend.
People like that look for people that will be kind.
Then they use and twist your kindness until they get what they want.
They are pros.
They also know you will blame yourself.
Perfect situation for them.
Annnnd, they are damned charming about it.
That is another perfect way for them to be assured you will take even more guilt upon yourself.
She has done this many times.

This just frosted me so much, I seem to keep on typing.

I think that this woman and her very own choices, did take you back emotionally to childhood abuse.
I think all that you are feeling now is not just from this woman.
You know we bury feelings alive when we push them down.
The work you are doing on your past abuse is bringing some feelings from long, long ago to the surface.
You are connecting this current situation and its obvious discomfort and with a life line of past painful experiences.
What you are feeling is not just for the present situation, but from many bad times in the past.

I am still so pissed at this woman.

Your mother is not one of my most favorite people, either.

You ARE nice and good and kind and funny. ( and pretty damn perky, when you set your mind to it.)

What you THINK you are in a negative light is what THEY told you that you are.
Nothing more.

What they told you is yet another con job.

She was nice and personable to assure her desired outcome.
These wolves in sheep\'s clothing have radar that directs them towards kind people who have a propensity to take on guilt and responsibility for actions that in no way dictates that they should do so.

Just look at this journal. You did everything is a very efficient and precise manner. You handled this situation very, very well.
The only screw up is you blaming you.
Let it go, man.
We all know that is just stinking thinking that your abusers put into your mind as a way of controlling you.
How to we find out what we want to do and what we don\'t want to do in our lives ?
We experiment. Ahem...sometimes we screw up a little, check out how it feels...then we wholeheartedly decide we do not want to do it again.
Ok. You tried to be nice in a way you thought was being nice.
It might have been nice for her.
But, it was not being nice for you.
So now you know how it feels to give someone your medication when deep down you know you really don\'t want to do it.
Lesson learned.
Next time someone comes around and asks you for something that is for you alone...especially controlled substances...you may feel uncomfortable...but you will know what you want to do.

Time to do some mental housecleaning.
Instead of acquiring unnecessary guilt, I think you should spend some kind pondering just what a great guy you truly are.
Think about the very essence of who you are.
I think it is time for you to start looking at yourself from the eyes of those that care about you and know you best.

Your life is a blessing to all who know you.

Has anyone ever told you the truth about you ??
Brace yourself
You are a precious treasure.
We all know it. We all see it.
Come and stand next to us and see yourself through our eyes.


Is your life worth living??...damn right it is.



( Apparently I am pretty militant when I get much too overly tired. )
Good night.
deleted_user
deleted_user

A *LOT* of good stuff there GoodGod......

\"What you THINK you are in a negative light is what THEY told you that you are.
Nothing more.

What they told you is yet another con job. \"

Yep. Like the shrink told my Jewish non-DS friend - \'just because someone tell you you\'re chopped liver, does that make it true?\' OF COURSE NOT.

\"She was nice and personable to assure her desired outcome. \"

Seriously. Think of all the other clients that have home care, and all the meds they may take. The job itself lends to people like her, the opportunity to take advantage.

This DOESN\'T MEAN that you have to lose ALL trust. There are reputable employees out there. You\'ll just have to keep at it, and I know that\'s really tough for you.

\"We experiment. Ahem...sometimes we screw up a little, check out how it feels...then we wholeheartedly decide we do not want to do it again.\"

Yep. It\'s all learning and experiment Jim. Even at our advanced age.

Sometimes, stuff we think we should have learned, just never came up. You have more to learn and rewrite about your life than most, that\'s true, but your heart still comes from a loving place. So you\'re in a good place there.

You\'ll get the hang of it Jim, and you\'re allowed to make mistakes along the way. YOU\'RE ALLOWED TO MAKE MISTAKES, OK???

Hugs and Mojo
Weebs