Is My Life Really Worth Living?
Wednesday, August 12, 2009 - 7:10 PM The problems I've been having with the CNA who has been taking some of my pain medication finally ended today. I opened a brand-new bottle of pills that she had gotten for me at the drugstore only to find out that some of them were missing. This CNA was the only person who could have taken them. After talking with the pharmacist at the drugstore, as well as the director of nursing for the home healthcare agency, it was decided that this CNA could no longer work for me. When I got up this morning, I had an unusual feeling that some of my new medication was missing. I emptied the entire bottle onto my kitchen table and counted all of the pills. I did this several times after discovering that not all of the pills were there. I then called the drugstore and asked the pharmacist if they had run short on pills when they were filling my prescription. He said no, that he had filled my prescription himself, and that someone else had been there with him at the time. After I told him that some of my medication was missing, he said that he would have to notify the authorities because the pills were narcotics, which were a controlled substance. He also added that the person who had gotten the pills for me would no longer be able to do that again. I informed him that from now on either I would get the medication myself, or would send someone else to do it for me. I then called the director of nursing at my home healthcare agency, and told her what had occurred. She immediately said that my CNA would no longer be able to work for me. She also stated that knowing this CNA had taken my medication answered some things. I think, but do not know for sure, that hat she was referring to other times that some of my medicine had been taken. Having placed a lot of trust in this CNA throughout the past two years, and having struck up a good friendship with her during that time, I was extremely upset with the way things turned out this morning. I was trying to express my feelings to the director of nursing, but ran out of words for my thoughts. She told me that she thought I meant that I was feeling "betrayed," and I said she was entirely right. I am feeling hurt, angry, and sad tonight. I saw my psychologist (Dr. Martin) this afternoon, and told her what had happened. She told me that I was not to blame. She said she felt that I was blaming myself for much of what has happened lately, and that she feels I have been traumatized, and it is all a part of the PTSD that I have experienced that goes back as far as my childhood. Dr. Martin and I talked about things that happened when I was about six years old. All of them centered on events that occurred between my mother and me. They were not very pleasant to think about, and I had even managed to forget about some of them. I am sure we will continue talking about them next week. I am not feeling good as I sit here writing about what occurred today. If I had never let this CNA have any of my pills to begin with then none of this would have happened. I am angry with her for asking me to let her have any of my pills in the first place, and I am also angry that I agreed to give any to her. I cannot help but feel that I'm doing one thing after another to continually ruin my life.