Is It Friday Yet?
Life has really been tossing me around lately... am feeling pretty overwhelmed with SO MUCH going on at work and home and in the lives of everyone I know, and yet my own emotions must remain hidden for the most part. Time to get back to my journaling, and visiting DS where friends share honestly from the heart.
20 years it's been since I walked out of my psychiatrist's office and never looked back, ending 17 years of psychiatric "help", which was only hurting me more than helping me... he had prepared a letter for me to submit with an application for disability to Social Security.
I had two choices:
1.) collect disablility and probably never work much for the rest of my life, or
2.) work and try to carry my share of the financial burden without disability assistance
I chose #2. There have been MANY times I wish I'd chosen #1... and lately, as I am approaching my 56th birthday, I have REALLY been feeling this way. Am I just getting old? And tired of the rat race? It's something...
Menopause came to me almost 2 years ago... maybe that's it. It's been the biggest physical change I've experienced, good for the most part, but emotionally I feel like I'm on a roller coaster, especially this last year. I think I am ready to retire... This getting up at the crack of dawn and working all week, then going home and having so little "down time" is just wearing me down : (
Then there's the grandchildren... I love them SO much, but my body just can't keep up with their energy as well as it used to. I've already cut back a LOT with their visits, but then I'll get to missing them so much and have them over too often again and end up right back where I was when I decided NOT to do just that! Arghhhh!
But, more than anything else, my mind, emotions and MEMORIES seem to be really unsteady these past months... it's as if Pandora's box is opening and all the stuff I've so craftily kept inside most of my life is eeking out to haunt me.
*Sigh* Well, I feel a LITTLE better just writing here today... and reading about my friend's goings ons... I feel bad that I've been away so long... it does help to know I am not the only one who struggles.
20 years it's been since I walked out of my psychiatrist's office and never looked back, ending 17 years of psychiatric "help", which was only hurting me more than helping me... he had prepared a letter for me to submit with an application for disability to Social Security.
I had two choices:
1.) collect disablility and probably never work much for the rest of my life, or
2.) work and try to carry my share of the financial burden without disability assistance
I chose #2. There have been MANY times I wish I'd chosen #1... and lately, as I am approaching my 56th birthday, I have REALLY been feeling this way. Am I just getting old? And tired of the rat race? It's something...
Menopause came to me almost 2 years ago... maybe that's it. It's been the biggest physical change I've experienced, good for the most part, but emotionally I feel like I'm on a roller coaster, especially this last year. I think I am ready to retire... This getting up at the crack of dawn and working all week, then going home and having so little "down time" is just wearing me down : (
Then there's the grandchildren... I love them SO much, but my body just can't keep up with their energy as well as it used to. I've already cut back a LOT with their visits, but then I'll get to missing them so much and have them over too often again and end up right back where I was when I decided NOT to do just that! Arghhhh!
But, more than anything else, my mind, emotions and MEMORIES seem to be really unsteady these past months... it's as if Pandora's box is opening and all the stuff I've so craftily kept inside most of my life is eeking out to haunt me.
*Sigh* Well, I feel a LITTLE better just writing here today... and reading about my friend's goings ons... I feel bad that I've been away so long... it does help to know I am not the only one who struggles.
Replies
I for one (among others) am so HAPPY your back!!! Because of anger I lost 24 hours of my employment. I should feel really bad about this. I don\'t know how I\'ll pay my rent next month. But the down time, the chance to be alone and relax is so good!! I understand the difficulties of working, having to be \"on\" and yet have wounds come up that sap more energy. It\'s a hard situation. My sympathies.
What I have learned is it is not when the grandchildren are here that we feel it, it is when they have left that the full crash hits. So to help me with this \"crash\", I keep a \"me\" kit, with the things that help me calm the churning waves of change.
Hope you are able to get through the work process.
I know what you mean about choosing #1 or #2. I chose #2 until I was unable to find work I could do.
Here\'s to having a safe place to let loose...all of us need one.
Hugs to you!
Thanks, guys for understanding... it\'s VERY nice to know someone is glad I\'m back : ) ...just have to keep taking things a day at a time, maybe just a moment at a time sometimes... Mideye, may I ask what goes into your \"me\" kit? Sounds like a good idea... Laura, I am sorry you had to lose time at work when you got angry, one of the SERIOUS down sides to work, being unable to show how we really feel : ( I\'m glad you had the down time, though. {{{Hugs}}} to both of you : )