Is it even real?

On July 12th, 2018, I was raped. That's the cold, hard truth. This is the first time I've said it out loud since it happened. Somehow I still don't believe it actually happened. This is something I never thought would happen to me. This is something I never thought I would ever have to deal with. All my life, being raped has been one of my biggest fears. However, I never imagined it would actually happen to me. The shitty thing is I was stone cold sober when it happened; I remember every detail. I remember every part of my body that was in pain as he grabbed me harshly and threw me to the ground. I remember the feelings of fear and carelessness coursing through my brain as he finally put it in, even after I had said no so many times. I remember the shock in my body when he finally left, leaving me naked and afraid. I still have the feeling of violation; my virginity was taken by a rapist. I can hardly look my parents in the eye. If they knew what had happened to their sweet, fifteen year old daughter while they thought she was sleeping peacefully, they would no longer live a satisfactory life. I haven't spent much time crying. I've been high or drunk the entire time since it happened. But what happens when I run out of weed and alcohol? What do I turn to then? Suicide? I can't tell anyone about what happened to me. I couldn't deal with the emotional pain. I couldn't deal with all the questions and pitiful looks from people who don't actually give a fuck. I couldn't deal with the heartache and torture of knowing that everybody has heard about the invasion of my body. Just thinking about all of it makes me want to die. I haven't considered killing myself yet. I'm giving myself more time to figure things out, but by the looks of things now, it doesn't seem like I ever will. I just don't know what to do. I'm going crazy; I'm crawling in my skin. I just want people who have been through the same thing to give me advice; help me through this. Please.