Invisibility Part 2
Can you tell I was never taught social skills by my parents?! Haha in a "not-funny-at-all" way. It really sucked actually because it was all about control and micro-managing my time so that I would later be a "success in life" (aka make money). All the while the inner child longed for the long-ago days before we moved when there was affection, conversation, and laughter and when we lived close to family and got to see them and talk to them. My parent's dream life was my living nightmare in so many different ways that really stacked the deck against me to learn to socialize. I used to watch people for hours and wonder why I was different from them. How I was different from them. I didn't feel different. I sure was treated different though.
That's why I say I'm invisible- it's easy to be treated nicely and politely and get along in a superficial "how's the weather" kinda way, but it would seem that past that, no one takes the time or effort to make plans together or include me in their life voluntarily. Ever. Under any circumstances. When I was younger, I made those phone calls, set up those plans, drove to those plans always, always the "responsible" one. Then I began to see the one-sidedness of it. Then life got so deeply complicated with the jobs I had through the time Dad went through all of his illnesses were usually 50+ hour weeks and the drive up to see him was over an hour one way. I didn't have time anymore. No one ever bothered to contact me, not once, to see even if I was ok. It was just like I ceased to exist. So now I also wonder if those I did make plans with when I was younger did it out of tolerance, not genuine feelings of friendship. Maybe they all had ulterior motives that I'm just too ignorant or stupid or unaware enough to realize.
Or, am I really one of those people that's so unlikeable that I'm incapable of having friends?! Is there something about me so vile that people want to shrink away at the first possible chance they get?! I don't even think that anyone would ever bother to be brutally honest enough for that. I just don't rate that kind of thought. Or that much thought. I'm just kinda....here....just floating around. Life is grand, it's got a lot of awesome shit to experience. It's empty, meaningless, banal, contrived, empty as long as every last bit is STILL being spent ALONE. Ffffaaaaa!!!
That's why I say I'm invisible- it's easy to be treated nicely and politely and get along in a superficial "how's the weather" kinda way, but it would seem that past that, no one takes the time or effort to make plans together or include me in their life voluntarily. Ever. Under any circumstances. When I was younger, I made those phone calls, set up those plans, drove to those plans always, always the "responsible" one. Then I began to see the one-sidedness of it. Then life got so deeply complicated with the jobs I had through the time Dad went through all of his illnesses were usually 50+ hour weeks and the drive up to see him was over an hour one way. I didn't have time anymore. No one ever bothered to contact me, not once, to see even if I was ok. It was just like I ceased to exist. So now I also wonder if those I did make plans with when I was younger did it out of tolerance, not genuine feelings of friendship. Maybe they all had ulterior motives that I'm just too ignorant or stupid or unaware enough to realize.
Or, am I really one of those people that's so unlikeable that I'm incapable of having friends?! Is there something about me so vile that people want to shrink away at the first possible chance they get?! I don't even think that anyone would ever bother to be brutally honest enough for that. I just don't rate that kind of thought. Or that much thought. I'm just kinda....here....just floating around. Life is grand, it's got a lot of awesome shit to experience. It's empty, meaningless, banal, contrived, empty as long as every last bit is STILL being spent ALONE. Ffffaaaaa!!!
Replies