Inventory

It's been a really packed couple of days. I've done well to keep my appointments and get most of the major stuff on my daily lists done. I had an appt with my counsellor on Thursday. Tough session. We're still in the "getting to know you" phase and it's a bit draining to go through the miasma that is my familial relationships. I have massive "Mommy issues" I know this. I don't particularly like addressing it though. And it's always weird when I have to talk about our complicated love/loathing relationship when we're in a decent cycle and actually speaking to each other, as we are now. Of course that won't last. I'll do something that disappoints or disgusts her, she'll go all morally superior and piss me off and then we're back to arctic silences and intense dislike that occasionally tips the scale to loathing...again.  My "homework" for this week is to write to Jamie. I bought a journal for it. If it goes well I think I'll ask my therapist what she thinks about sending the letter journal to Jamie for a round robin. I don't know if I'm up to that though. Yet anyway. I wrote half a page and erased the whole thing by Friday afternoon. It was too raw. And I didn't have a handle on myself, but it felt stiff scripted, at the same time. There's still this huge distance between me and my feelings and being able to express them.  I went to the best university library in the area today. The campusis as I remember it, sorta. I was only here for a week before and most of that was spent helping my friend pack her stuff, so I didn't see a whole lot. My impression at the time was BIG, and monied, and waaaaaaaaay tooo many sorority girls, and really poor traffic planning. That still holds true. It was a lot of hassle getting a visitor's card but at least that's squared away now, and my assignment is due on Sunday, at noon (or midnight, I have to check). I really love old books and this is such a great chance to do some investigating.  The drive down to the library went alright. It rained heavily almost the whole time and traffic was at a crawl, so it took me two hours. At one point there was a fire truck trying to get by me and the driver laid on the horn (I wasn't far enough over for him to get through). It scared me and my anxiety spiked, but I got it under control pretty fast and made it to the library alright. I thought about how if that'd happened a couple of years ago I would have panicked and lost myself in a haze of fear and worry. I guess I really am getting better. I requested a few books from the library on bipolar that were suggested in the BPD forum. It's good because Library books have a definite due date so I have to get through them in the set time, no procrastinating like I've been doing with An Unquiet Mind.  Okay, so all in all productive day. I feel tired and worn out, but at least I got the first part of my research finished. Now for the analysis. I'm going to do that tomorrow. Now though, I'm going to get some sleep.