Introspection

Last night I started an argument.if I needed to justify myself I could say it came from a place of " enough already". Just one sentence really that set his rage off. And then ...... I went into one of my things.. Now, I have been doing well in my detachment practice, finding that the calmer i am, the more peaceful the house is. I am even getting past the thoughts of " nothing with him has really changed, he is just happy to be left alone". Even though this is the truth, I am finally able to release my attachments somewhat.
what surprised me the most ( it was as if a part of me separated and observed the episode), was the extent of resentment, resentment, and frustrations. Mostly related to the HISTORY , the many years of dysfunction heaped upon us, and the remaining pain of this struggle towards recovery.
Afterwards, I was examining my feelings about what happened and I compared some off my behaviors to his addictive behaviors. Yes, I was engaging in a negative, destructive situation and I DID NOT CARE!!!!! it was difficult to stop arguing once I started, I selfishly wanted to be right, defending and protecting my point of view, much as he defends and protects his drinking. And ( I must assume here) where he is constantly thinking about his next drink or next pill, so do I. To me, so much of our relationship revolves around his addictive tendencies, even when it appears otherwise.
i was also thinking about the " Law of Attraction" . He spent many years treating me in a way that made me not like him. Now I do not like him. The difference I think, now is, I stopped suffering in silence. That behavior was literally making me physically and emotionally sick. So I fought back, established boundaries, spoke my mind, grew a little. Yay for me. Confusing and frightening for him.
Now is the time to move on to the next level of healing. Perfecting this detachment concept. For me, combining this with a spiritual practice, it becomes a powerful force. I see that I am struggling a little because the stepping back, not needing to address the issue might feel like regression, but it is not. My husband may mistake it for surrender (and it is a sort of surrender), but he would be wrong.
In the end......although initially I felt remorse and guilt for starting an argument, in effect a relapse. The self examination was a learning tool in my recovery process. And I move forward with confidence.

Replies

thinkaboutit
thinkaboutit

I totally get the need for detachment and the way it can create peace in a place where there couldn\'t otherwise be peace. The thing that I wonder about, though, is that you need some way to release your feelings and emotions. You ARE in a crazy situation and you DO have things that would make anyone mad going on. So the anger, frustration, etc. are real and valid. You can\'t live with them on the surface all the time - that would be unhealthy. But I don\'t know if I would call it a relapse to let out the anger in response to something that happens or through some other way (exercise, yelling in your car, whatever, lol). I think you are doing a great job of handling a really rough situation.
laurap1980
laurap1980

You continue to inspire me with your strength in such a challenging situation. I find myself doing alot of the same things you do - but I am no so good at finding the positive in my reflections. ((((HUGS))))