Introduction

I just found out about this site through my therapist so I’m not really sure how this all works yet. I’m not sure if anyone will read this, but that’s okay—I write because it helps me. I like to think of myself as relatively high-functioning for all of the internal battles I face everyday. I have anxiety and depression, possibly one of the worst concoctions when it comes to mental health because they’re both so different. On the one hand, I don’t want to care about anything, and on the other, I care too much about everything. It’s like a war in my head most days, and the anxiety usually wins, but those feelings of depression don’t subside, and it just makes the battle to be productive all the more painful. I get stuff done, and I look like I have my shit together on the outside. That is, if you don’t know me well enough to see the behind-the-scenes breakdowns.  Lately, I’ve been no good at hiding it. I can’t hold back the tears in public, and it’s hard to even function in a social setting. I’m normally so outgoing and extroverted, but I feel like I’m losing myself. I get so in my head, and when it feels like no one I’m surrounded by has the capacity to understand it, I’d just rather be alone. People say that they care and they want to be there for you, but it all feels so superficial. Like if they really knew how bad it was, they’d run the other way. I feel like I’m so incapable of being loved because these parts of me that are so dark don’t seem like they could ever be worth loving. And it’s hard to live in a world like that. Where I feel like every person that looks my way is judging me and every friend I have is fake. My perception is so distorted, and I know that, but there’s no prescription that gives you 20/20 vision for comprehending reality. I feel like everyone hates me, and then I hate myself. Over the last few months, my state of mind has been steadily decreasing. I‘m in college; I’m supposed to be making memories and having the time of my life. During the week, I get so excited to go out and have fun over the weekend, and when the weekend comes, I end up staying back by myself because that’s just more comfortable. Every time I go out these days the high lasts for 30 minutes, and then I crash. It’s back to reality. I question why I try, why I’m here. And each week it gets more and more devastating. I feel so hopeless. I’m surrounded by people that don’t get the emotional rollercoasters I feel every waking minute. They don’t know how hard it is to just be present. To get out of bed in the morning. And that’s why I’m on here—because I want to know that there are people that understand.