introduction

Hi;

I am 62 and live alone.  I am an amputee and have been for 42 years.  I grew up in an abusive environment; both physical and emotional abuse; and married into an abusive relationship and after 20 years, I managed to find another abusive relationship.  Nothing like consistency.....I finally got free of my latest abuser in 2006.  Since then, my physical health has deteriorated due mostly to the wear and tear on my good leg.  I have had an active life in spite of my being an amputee.

I have had 5 serious infections after two knee replacements along wtih several repairs of a completely torn quad tendon and muscle.  As a result I have been in the hospital 170 days out of the last 4 years.  I spent an additional 654 days as an in-patient physical rehab also.  That makes about 46% of the time that elapsed.

Last 4th of July while I did not know, actually I was very sick with a spreading infection.  The next dayI collapsed.  My neighbors found me and called the EMTs and I was taken to the local hospital, transferred to a bigger hospital and a few days later to an even bigger hospital.  I have no recollection of any of this. I was in an induced coma for over 5 weeks.

I was so bad they told my kids I would not make it and to prepare for my death.  When it became apparent that I would survivethey told my sons I would never regain consciousness.  Despite the dire predictions, somehow I managed to survive several weeks of extremely high fever and surgeries in one piece.  However, when I awoke I could hardly move due to the effects of the infections, surgeries and the deterioration of my body due to inactivity.  All I could barely do was feed myself with one hand.  I could not move myself anywhere.  I could not sit up.  I also had short term memory problems which did improve in time. I ended up spending 7 weeks in the hospital.

I was transferred to rehab and spent 114 days of there and I made it home just before christmas 2016.  Now, I take antibiotics every day and have blood tests monthly to monitor my condition; re: infection.  My doctor has stated that there is no guarantee that the infection will not come back and that if it does I may die.  This is not all that encouraging.  He believes my body has decided to reject the impants.  That is why I have had recurrent infections.

Currently, I am home and slowly regaining strength.  I live alone and only lately have been getting out more.  I can drive but I use a walker when I walk and I have to be very careful due to my weakened condition and my only having one leg.  Things like stairs are almost impassable as is rough terrain or uneven ground.  I tire easily.  I am heavier than I want to be and the only way I can lose weight is to essentially starve myself in order to lose weight.  My joke about this is:  "I have tried quitting food but it is soooo hard!!!".

I have been in counseling for the last 25 years.  My latest therapist  (saw her for 12 years) retired while I was going through the hospitalizations and rehab stints.  I have yet to start with another therapist.

Even without therapy, I have managed to finally figure out how I got to where I am emotionally due to the abuse and prolonged depression.  Despite this, I really am struggling at this point.  I understand the dynamics of abuse and the results it causes in the victim's self esteem and emotional vitality.  Understanding all of this is one thing.  Finding your way out of the mental quagmire is quite another and this is so much worse when you are alone.

I do not have any close friends anymore.  I feel alone and really have no one to talk to since my therapist retired.  This makes coping more difficult.  I am not in crisis at present but I just feel so sad about life and have no energy or motivation.  Everything I do is so hard due to my weakened state and I cannot really do the hobby stuff I used to do that made me feel 'normal' before.

I take anitdepressants and I feel I am medicated properly.  I would hate to be without my meds.  I know how deep the rabbit hole is if I am off my meds.  When I awoke from my coma I was off all my meds and once I realized where I was and what was going on I was in a bad way.  I finally got back on my meds of which I have been taking at present doses for about 10 years.

I realize and accept that there is no magic potion, medication or any other thing that will change my outlook for the good.  So much of what I am fighting are the old tapes replaying in my head.  It is as if I never really left those bad relationships behind and I am still in them.  Every time I get to a place where I feel better as soon as I am alone the old tapes play and I am back where I was; miserable and feeling hopeless.

So much of recovery from an abusive past must come from within.  Having friends helps with this.  I am alone and am so discouraged I hate to go anywhere if I can help it. If I do go out it is to places I know and with people who know me.  I do not like crowds and get very anxious if it is noisy and crowded.

I am just to tired of fighting on alone.  I wonder what's the point....  I am not in any way considering harming myself.  Somehow that is just not something I would ever do.  Still, I feel miserable and alone.