Introduction

Hi. I don't know how to start this, but I guess any way I do it is a good way to start, right? As my profile suggested, I am 31 years of age and I have trichotillomania. At least I am pretty sure I do. I don't know how to get diagnose, because I am afraid for anyone to see me in person. I have no hair hardly on top of my head. It is so bad, I have to wear a wig to be around my own family. My mother knows I pull my hair, but she doesn't really know how bad it is, since most of my life I did my best to hide it.

I guess you can say it started around when I was in forth grade. I pulled so much so bad, I had a bald spot like an old man. I had to wear head bands and bandanda that were appropriate for school's dress code to cover my patch. One kid noticed and even called me baldie (really surprised I had only one, but he was an annoying jerk). I dealt with it till maybe till the 6th to 7th grade. My 8th grade year had a big impact. I am, I guess you would say, the worst type of trich. Not only did I pull my own hair out. I ate it as well. So years of eating my hair had finally reached the peak. I was hospitalized, mind you that I was actually getting better from my illness by my own will. For reasons, the doctors in the town I lived in had no idea why I was so sick. They took xrays of me and couldn't figure out what was blocking me. They all gave me some sort of laxative and sent me home. I had one doctor that even noticed I had hair in my stoole. I had missed school from Halloween to Thanksgiving. I had to go to a hospital 2 hours away for them to fix me. Before judging and what not, "Didn't you know that hair was growing inside you?". Then answer is, "No...I was just a kid." at the time. At that age, that was the last thing that I thought about. They had removed 12 inches of my large intestines. They also told me that if I hadn't gone to them, I probably would have been dead. I had a seizure during my stay at the hospital, because I had only 2% of sodium in my system and they told me you need at least 10%. Another fact that is interesting is that they told me they had only one other case that was exactly like mine. Wish I could of known who it was, maybe we have something in common.

Growing up through high school, I really didn't have much of a problem of pulling. Maybe here and there, but not anyting noticeable. Of course, I had my fair share of boy related problems that may or may not have influenced it. I am not a doctor, I can not self diagnose myself. My senior year of high school, I had the best hair, I have ever had in my life. It was back, full and I loved it. I curled it and died it, and was able to be normal and have my girl friends play (braid) my hair. However, that did not last. towards graduating, I started to pull again. I was bald again, but only on the front of my hairline. People notice and questioned, but I just came up with an excuse. "Oh, I got gum in my bangs and had to get it out," seem they believed me. I did meet a wonderful guy that saw past illness, even though we got together before my "itch" really took effect. He never mentioned it. I have spent the night at his house and while he was asleep, I would pull. It took him a while, but he did finally ask me if I was pulling. I had to be honest. I told him yes. He seemed to be supportive and told me that I should go seek professional help. Well, I don't have that kind of money to go and like most of you, had the idea "well, I'm not crazy and I won't go to someone who will tell me I am," at least that was the idea I had at the time. He was the only person I told to his face. We were together for quite a few years and it just seem to get worse. Now, I DO NOT blame him for any part of my illness. We were happy, for most part. Any relationship quarrels we had, it had nothing to do with my hair. (Well maybe at first because he was tired of cleaning it up, lol). However, when I was with him, I started wearing wigs. I guess wearing wigs made it easier for me to hide, as well as to pull more or as much as I could and not worry about the consequences. Him and I are not together any more, but we do talk time to time. Not about that.

I have only told 3 other people. Two to people I really don't talk to (which one was a close friend and the other was his friend who was the bartender). I was pretty drunk and started to sulk to them (yeah, for drinking! lol). The other was to my best friend, (also due to me being drunk). I still refrence to her about it time to time, but she doesn't seem to know what to say. It's not her fault. She has gone through depression and anxeity. I just told them out of drunkness. I guess I wanted to share with someone who I was deeply involved with to see what their point of view was. They never judged me or said anything negative. One I think told me they could tell it was a wig, but respected me enough not to really get into that part of my life.

Today, I am with a guy. I moved out of state with him, we live together, and he knows that I am suffering through this illness. He wants to help me, yet he doesn't know what to do. I however, have felt comfortable enough not to wear my wig around the apartment. It took me a while. At first, I wore it mostly until bed time, I wore a do-rag. Then I moved on to not wearing it. I still suffer from it and I do have bad days. When I first lived with him, I actually didn't pull hardly at all. It's been 2-3 years now, and I reverted back to where I was. It just seems so weird I think, because I used to be a nail biter and pull my lashes as well as my brows. I rarely pull my lashes and brows, and have not bite my nails in 5 years, but I still pull my hair. I want to stop. I just don't know how to go about doing it. I am not a depressing person. I am actually probably one of the funny, cheerful person you'll ever meet. So why do I seemed to be so cursed with this illness. I ask myself that every time I look myself in the mirror. I'm 31 years and I'm balder than my 70 year old uncle. It saddens me, and I just don't know what to do or if theres anything I can do.

I guess I am just writing to all of you, so it would be the first step to help myself to reach out and be more open to my illness. Maybe I can be more open to people I see on a daily bases. I do want to thank anyone in advance for reading this prelude to my illness, and any kind and helpful words that is shared onto me. I hope everyone has a pleasant day. Thank you.