Intro

So, I figured I'd post something here just to introduce myself to anyone who looks at this and to document why I came back to this site after years of being away from it. 

I have been struggling with anxiety depression for years. It's nothing new to me. When I was a teenager I was borderline suicidal and practiced self harm. But even once I got past that I was still never happy with my life and my anxiety was getting worse and worse. 

As of right now I have quit two jobs because of my anxiety. I couldn't handle dealing with people or dealing with fast paced situations and I broke down and quit. And as for my depression, I don't even have the energy to play with my son. Everything that I feel like I should enjoy, even writing which used to be a huge source of joy for me, takes extra effort and is often too much for me. 

I decided to come back to this site, because I decided that I need to work on getting better. I'm working on getting my health insurance back and contacting a mental health facility that works with people who have low income so that I can get medical help. It's going to be a long process, I know, but if I can make it happen I feel like it will be worth it.

I have two beautiful people--my son and my boyfriend--who need me to be the best version of myself I can be. But I also want to do it for me. I am so tired of never knowing how I am going to feel when I wake up and of the constant ups and downs and fighting against myself all the time. I want to be happy. I have an amazing child, a boyfriend that is everything I could ever want and more, a decent job that is easy on my anxiety and pays well, good friends, a roof over my head, and food to eat. I feel like I should consider myself more than blessed and should have some joy in life. I shouldn't just have a pit in my stomach and feel like crying for no reason even on days where nothing is going wrong. So this is one of my first steps towards caring for myself. I don't know if it will help, but I figure it can't hurt. I just want to get better and if this helps me with that even a little then it's worth my time.