Internal Tempest
I've been thinking a lot about what Cole wrote in one of his responses to me. I'm not really sure what to do with all of the thoughts floating around, so I've just been doing some research.
http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/isdivorcethesolution/a/passiveaggressivehusband.htm
"...as an adult woman she has the ability to limit how much damage another person can do to her life. Being loved should never mean turning yourself inside out for anyone. Being loved means knowing when to set boundaries, knowing your own worth and if need be, walking away from a man who does nothing but withdraw and withhold what you desire."
I am really frustrated. We had a "pleasant conversation" about the response email his mother wrote. I felt like it went really well. He agreed that there could be reason for my concerns, but he also said he wanted to clarify what she wrote before jumping to conclusions. Even though internally, I wanted him to jump to my defense, I also realize that careful consideration couldn't hurt in this situation. What harm comes in formulating a thoughtful, well worded inquiry as to the pith of what she wrote?
So I waited. Days passed. My frustration grew. Outwardly, he wasn't doing anything to remedy the situation. But how does one display "thought" as an action? If he's thinking about what to ask or how to ask it, clearly that's not going to show. Every day, I tried to just let it go, all the while my frustration building. In my head, I'm thinking, "See? Same as always. He makes a promise and then doesn't follow through." But one of the things that came up over and over in MC was to take each situation and each day as a brand new one. Don't base every moment on the past or you can never move forward. So I waited (albeit impatiently.)
And ... nothing. At first, when I (not so delicately) brought it up again, it turned ugly. He got angry. He hadn't had time, he said. He's been busy with work, he said. We all have the same 24 hours in a day. How one chooses to spend them is entirely up to one's own self. Still, I tried to let it go. I tried to excuse it. On his days off, I reasoned, he could take the time necessary.
But he didn't. One day off. Two. Three. On the fourth day off, we were both busy all day volunteering for our daughter's school event. I certainly wouldn't have even considered him doing anything on that day - though I guess he could have if it was that much of a priority. Still, it wasn't even that much of a priority to ME on that day. Now we're back to the work week.
It has been 10 days since she wrote the email. He has texted her and emailed her since then, but never brought it up. He didn't want to ruin her birthday. He didn't have time. He was thinking about what to say. There are always excuses.
And in the meantime? It's not like he is sitting down talking to me. He is not opening up. He is not saying, "I'm too angry to talk to her, right now," or "Let's talk about what you hope the outcome will be," or "What's our goal here?" He's not saying, "I'm really too scared to do this because I'm afraid it will just stir up more trouble." He's not saying ANYTHING. He keeps conversations to general placating compliments. "You smell nice," and "I like you," What the hell kind of vague and generic compliments are those? And what does it have to do with anything?
It's not that I don't appreciate the vague attempts at affection, it's that I need MORE. I need investment. I need him to live up to the words he wrote in the long email to his parents and me. He loves them. He loves me. OK then let's figure this out. Don't just, "Well, I suck, sorry guys," and then leave it. FIX IT. It's fine to admit his part in this, but it's not fine to then just go back to the way things were and let the pattern continue.
This is NOT complicated. It's like the first email his dad sent when all this shit started. He could have just replied with, "Allora's right. I'm not interested, but thank you for taking the time to send the info." Boom. DONE. That's it. He would have backed what I said, stood up for me, and NOT offended anyone. He wouldn't be telling his dad to kiss off or telling his mom she's a dirtbag and he wouldn't be ignoring my needs.
The same holds true with the most recent email from his mom. YES, of course I would have loved to write her back and say, "This doesn't sound like a starting point, but an attack..." but - he could have simply wrote, "I understand why, as a mother, you become defensive. However, it's not ok for that defense to turn into offense against my wife." He could have said, "I'm not stuck in the middle, I AM in the middle by the very nature of the situation and that's not Allora's fault or anyone else's."
He could have said a lot of things. Instead he said nothing. He sent her a lovely happy birthday email as if everything were fine and dandy and his mom surely thinks it is. I don't.
This is not ok. I can not accept this. Everything inside me screams that regardless of my own faults (and there are SO very many) I deserve to have someone in my life willing to be my partner, willing to connect with me, and willing to have my back. I am OK with someone who will say, "hey, that's not cool" - TO ME - so long as he's willing to say it to those who transgress against me, as well. But he doesn't. And he won't.
I don't think "passive aggressive" fits him 100%, but the excuses, putting off, quiet anger, "forgetting" - all those signs and symptoms are there. He sticks his head in the sand and waits for the danger to pass. He waits for someone else (his parents, me... whoever) to clean up his messes and figure it out. I'm tired of that. I don't mind getting in the trenches and getting messy to fix things, but not if I have to do it alone. If I have to go it alone, I'd rather just BE alone and know I'm alone rather than have people ask me constantly, "Why isn't that something you're figuring out with your husband?"
http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/isdivorcethesolution/a/passiveaggressivehusband.htm
"...as an adult woman she has the ability to limit how much damage another person can do to her life. Being loved should never mean turning yourself inside out for anyone. Being loved means knowing when to set boundaries, knowing your own worth and if need be, walking away from a man who does nothing but withdraw and withhold what you desire."
I am really frustrated. We had a "pleasant conversation" about the response email his mother wrote. I felt like it went really well. He agreed that there could be reason for my concerns, but he also said he wanted to clarify what she wrote before jumping to conclusions. Even though internally, I wanted him to jump to my defense, I also realize that careful consideration couldn't hurt in this situation. What harm comes in formulating a thoughtful, well worded inquiry as to the pith of what she wrote?
So I waited. Days passed. My frustration grew. Outwardly, he wasn't doing anything to remedy the situation. But how does one display "thought" as an action? If he's thinking about what to ask or how to ask it, clearly that's not going to show. Every day, I tried to just let it go, all the while my frustration building. In my head, I'm thinking, "See? Same as always. He makes a promise and then doesn't follow through." But one of the things that came up over and over in MC was to take each situation and each day as a brand new one. Don't base every moment on the past or you can never move forward. So I waited (albeit impatiently.)
And ... nothing. At first, when I (not so delicately) brought it up again, it turned ugly. He got angry. He hadn't had time, he said. He's been busy with work, he said. We all have the same 24 hours in a day. How one chooses to spend them is entirely up to one's own self. Still, I tried to let it go. I tried to excuse it. On his days off, I reasoned, he could take the time necessary.
But he didn't. One day off. Two. Three. On the fourth day off, we were both busy all day volunteering for our daughter's school event. I certainly wouldn't have even considered him doing anything on that day - though I guess he could have if it was that much of a priority. Still, it wasn't even that much of a priority to ME on that day. Now we're back to the work week.
It has been 10 days since she wrote the email. He has texted her and emailed her since then, but never brought it up. He didn't want to ruin her birthday. He didn't have time. He was thinking about what to say. There are always excuses.
And in the meantime? It's not like he is sitting down talking to me. He is not opening up. He is not saying, "I'm too angry to talk to her, right now," or "Let's talk about what you hope the outcome will be," or "What's our goal here?" He's not saying, "I'm really too scared to do this because I'm afraid it will just stir up more trouble." He's not saying ANYTHING. He keeps conversations to general placating compliments. "You smell nice," and "I like you," What the hell kind of vague and generic compliments are those? And what does it have to do with anything?
It's not that I don't appreciate the vague attempts at affection, it's that I need MORE. I need investment. I need him to live up to the words he wrote in the long email to his parents and me. He loves them. He loves me. OK then let's figure this out. Don't just, "Well, I suck, sorry guys," and then leave it. FIX IT. It's fine to admit his part in this, but it's not fine to then just go back to the way things were and let the pattern continue.
This is NOT complicated. It's like the first email his dad sent when all this shit started. He could have just replied with, "Allora's right. I'm not interested, but thank you for taking the time to send the info." Boom. DONE. That's it. He would have backed what I said, stood up for me, and NOT offended anyone. He wouldn't be telling his dad to kiss off or telling his mom she's a dirtbag and he wouldn't be ignoring my needs.
The same holds true with the most recent email from his mom. YES, of course I would have loved to write her back and say, "This doesn't sound like a starting point, but an attack..." but - he could have simply wrote, "I understand why, as a mother, you become defensive. However, it's not ok for that defense to turn into offense against my wife." He could have said, "I'm not stuck in the middle, I AM in the middle by the very nature of the situation and that's not Allora's fault or anyone else's."
He could have said a lot of things. Instead he said nothing. He sent her a lovely happy birthday email as if everything were fine and dandy and his mom surely thinks it is. I don't.
This is not ok. I can not accept this. Everything inside me screams that regardless of my own faults (and there are SO very many) I deserve to have someone in my life willing to be my partner, willing to connect with me, and willing to have my back. I am OK with someone who will say, "hey, that's not cool" - TO ME - so long as he's willing to say it to those who transgress against me, as well. But he doesn't. And he won't.
I don't think "passive aggressive" fits him 100%, but the excuses, putting off, quiet anger, "forgetting" - all those signs and symptoms are there. He sticks his head in the sand and waits for the danger to pass. He waits for someone else (his parents, me... whoever) to clean up his messes and figure it out. I'm tired of that. I don't mind getting in the trenches and getting messy to fix things, but not if I have to do it alone. If I have to go it alone, I'd rather just BE alone and know I'm alone rather than have people ask me constantly, "Why isn't that something you're figuring out with your husband?"
Replies
Oh. And. I can see where this is headed with the excuses. I validated them initially, so now he gets to say, \"You TOLD me I should wait and think on it,\" and put it on me. Or he can turn it around into, \"Fine I\'ll just tell everyone in my life who ever meant anything to me to fuck off because my wife won\'t let me have any other connections than with her.\"
And then he still won\'t do anything.
And then he\'ll say, \"Well it\'s been two weeks. Why can\'t we just leave it be?\"
And when I try to convey how hurtful this is to me, he will insist that\'s because it\'s MY problem. (Well. DUH.) And therefore he shouldn\'t have to do anything about it because it\'s all in MY head.
And how do I know this? Because regardless of whether or not I should treat each day and each situation as \"new\" I\'ve danced this dance for 22 years. I know what steps come next. I feel stupid and angry for being \"taken\" by the letter he sent thinking it would make a big difference and be the turn around we needed to make things better.