Integration?

How many years ago did I begin sorting my psych symptoms into puppet shows? It was one of those techniques that sorta evolved of its own accord. There is no clear anniversary for it. The evolution started with the therapist suggestion in the 70's that personification of my symptoms might help me detach from them enough to help decide how to manage them. As a child sex trafficking survivor, I have more symptoms than your average psycho. The geophysical instability of the "trafficking" part made for an abnormally large cast of contributors. It is impossible to know where much of my trauma happened, much less identify the perpetrators or the witnesses. Personification also helps me be okay with the too many gaps on my strictly personal fact sheet.

At this point, the two largest and most rowdy of my puppet shows are what I have dubbed, "The Dumb Broad Show" and "The Engineering Show." "The Dumb Broad Show" is made up of all the people and personal confusions, from the bible bangers to the pimps who sold my innocence to the National Organization of Women to whomever is expostulating this go-round. There is a plethora of opinions on what a woman should or should not be. Girl, howdy, that's a noisy show. There is so much loud expostulation going on that I canae even hear my own thoughts when those puppets in my head get rowdy. Dissociation remains a huge problem for me when those debates start raging. Where's the Exit? This is me, running for what is left of my sanity. My graphic thought process produces some hideous images when I listen to the "Women Are" debates. Whatever image you are advocating for, it is guarenteed to be at odds with the advocates you are arguing with. I'd sooner sort the contents of a literal landfill than that cacophony of opinions.

"The Engineering Puppet Show" is comprised of actual experience from my attempts to develop my engineering career. By virtue of my gender, there is lots of slop-over from the Dumb Broad Show. In recent rounds of flashbacks from The Engineering Show, I have been extremely pleased that it is getting easier to hear the quieter voices of reason and encouragement through din of the trauma inducing crowd. These are the folks who don't bother shouting to be heard over the chaos. Being heard isnae very important to them. Their gentle voices are a joy to hear.

The gnarliest of the grunt work is done on honey barn restoration. The paint has sealed of the worst of the contaminants from the decades of neglect and apathy. The resident wild life has been thinned out enough to feel reasonably safe getting to the darker spots in the building. My work in there has reached the finesse stages. As the work has progressed, I believe I am feeling the more functional aspects from the two puppet shows integrating into just plain me. Maybe. Whatever is going on, it is subtle and hard to describe but leaving a peaceful calm in its wake.