Insecure

I guess in a way things are going well. I'm able to keep up with the lectures and study groups and student activities etc. Even though getting up in the morning was hard sometimes, I haven't missed a thing yet. This means my agenda is pretty busy for my standards. There's not a day where I don't have to do something. And it's weighing down on me. I have so little confidence in my intellectual/mental abilities atm that I'm constantly worried and stressed whether I will get my reading done in time. Sometimes I will, sometimes I won't.
I can't let it go, I don't want to under-perform and I'm always pissed off if I'm not properly prepared, even if I couldn't help it. Since I still feel slightly disconnected from the world around me I can't really see if these things are just noticeable to me or to others as well, which is adding to my anxiety. Yesterday I couldn't stand it anymore and had a talk with my tutor after the study group, to ask him how he thought I was doing since I felt I was being so much worse than usual (I had told him about my bipolarity beforehand). He said that even though he had been 'warned', he thought I was doing really well and that I also had a good, respected position in the group (something I completely missed out on). Reassuring as this is, there is still the pressure of wanting to perform while not knowing in what state you'll be the next day, while not being able to rely on your abilities by default. It's killing for my confidence and eating away at my sanity. Like this, the more active I am physically, the more trouble my mind has having to deal with it. Being so active doesn't only mean more tasks to perform but also more confrontations to handle. So right now my mind really isn't better off than when I was still lying in bed most of the day. I even wonder if I'm not worse now, if I'm not more imbalanced and more easily shaken.
On top of this I've also got social anxiety to bother me. During social occasions I'm fine and generally having a good time, but as soon as I'm out of it, it comes back to haunt me over little things that really shouldn't matter to me but still manage to make me feel like a fool. Despite my better judgment. Gaining weight due to the lithium isn't helping either, and it's really becoming bothersome now since some clothes won't look good anymore or just don't fit. Please don't take me for an extremely vain person now. But being slim is as much a part of my identity as is being intelligent. So far, no matter the mess on the inside, I would look the same on the outside. My physical appearance was something I could count on, and I had confidence in my looks. Now even this is changing. It feels like there's no anchor-point left for me, like I'm adrift on the waves of whatever comes to happen to me. I haven't been this insecure since my early teens. It really feels like hitting a bottom, an all-time low. It's so tiring. I wish I could just go ahead with my activities without having all this extra baggage. It's eating energy I much need for other things.
In short, I'm really sick of dealing with all of this. Which is why I stayed at a party until the end last night while I wasn't even going to go in the first place - and I had a blast. Plus I just found out that the head of my commission managed to get us on some guest list for some VIP party tomorrow so hell yea, I'm going there too. And right after that there's another party I promised to go to since a few good friends are the dj's which promises for some awesome music. And I don't care that I have a presentation the next morning. I want to have fun godammit.
Now, let's just hope I still fit into my tenue de ville.