inner inspection

the past few days I have spent a lot of time soul searching. I want to find the reason I lie to my wife why I don't want friends or someone to talk to. I love my wife and want to confied to her but without knowing the answers I don't know what to tell her. Looking back over my life I don't think I have ever let anyone get close ,posibly because I have lost people from my life and death does bring out the worst in us.It leaves a empty spot that you don't want to fill. Is there a chance that I am trying to self destruct ? That  I don't feel deserving of what I have ? I need answers so badly and I will continue to search and try to become the person I know I am capable of becoming. More than anything in life I want to stop lying and regain my wifes trust and love.