Indecisiveness

i am not known for my proclivity for making sudden decisions.  I am actually shocked that i was able to turn off my erratic thought process long enough to think fast and turn off the machinery that tried to kill me four years ago.  had i waited 3 seconds longer i would have lost my arm completely, probably my life, and had i decided to throw the machine into reverse instead of neutral first, i would have locked down the gears and been stuck and bled to death.  

but for some reason, in day to day life, when something unexpected pops up and presents me with options, i freeze.  i overthink each other options to the point of becoming nauseaus and it especially bothers me it has stakes like making the wrong choice letting down my father.

he was supposed to be at church and at work all day today, but he suddenly pops up out of nowhere and makes me feel guilty for not wanting to suddenly get up go out with him.  so then i get up and i have and get cleaned up choose to go out to get something to eat with him the whole time hating the decision making process, the decision i made, the fact that i was suddenly forced to make a decision, and the fact that the only other decision would have turned my father away alone and sad on one of the few chances we get to spend some time together.

im like Chidi in "the good place"

and im fkn tired of it.

ughhhhhhhhh