in the waiting place again
Hello my dear friends. It's been a long, sad February, and I'm glad, I think, to be seeing the back of it. My thoughts and prayers are with all of you.
You can always cope with the now, but you can never cope with the future - nor do you have to - Eckhart Tolle (by way of Linda - thank you!) I'm trying so hard to remember this right now, as results day approaches (Tuesday) and I find myself full of fear. But trying not to be! It's just that if we find the Torisel isn't working, we then have to start the whole rigmarole agin, hunting for another trial, somewhere, as, again, nothing more will be offered on the NHS. This postcode lottery is one of the most frightening things about all this.
D is feeling great, in general, very positive, and I feel that I should NOT betray his feelings by being so fearful. His pelvic met is visible to the naked eye, and we feel fairly certain that it has visibly shrunk. But, at the same time, it's been a lot more painful in recent weeks. Hard hard to see him hurting, and he doesn't want to up his morphine dose. I'm thinking that it could be causing more pain as it shrinks back from the bone - the best possible reason - but the other option is, of course, that it's continuing to grow and we're deceiving ourselves. I'm trying to prepare myself for this.
But these have been good days in our house, and we're enjoying our time together and are feeling surrounded by love. Spring brings such promises of regeneration and new life...
Please think of us on Tuesday, if you have a moment. Much love to you all.
Replies
My Sweet Meriel,
i so understand how you feel, please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you always but especially will be on Tuesday.. The hardest part of the first time with Torisel is the first catscan, as if it were just yesterday, we were going thru the samething.. Just know there may not be any shrinkage but also staying stable is good too, and bone mets are very painful.. That doesn\'t nesaccary mean the Torisel is not working.. Hold these words in your heart, that my love is with you and only Tuesday will give you the answers.. It isn\'t easy waiting to know the results but always try not to worry to much this weekend (easier said than done).. I know how you feel as before any scan it\'s the same for all of us, but the first scan is the hardest hon, and i\'m with you 100%..
All my love and prayers are with you and D..
Love,
Becca
Hugs to you, how hard it is to wait and wait and wait. That was definitely always the worst part. Feel everybody\'s love and support and hope for you.
Hugs, Gail
Dear Meriel,
The anxiety of scans is something we all live with. It definitely causes a great deal of stress, so I understand your fears. I will be praying on Tuesday that the results show improvement for your precious D. Please update us as soon as you know more. My prayers are with you, my dear friend.
Much Love, Ingrid
Thank you, all of you, for your words and your understanding. I know that stability is enough to hope for, and I know that we\'ll be able to deal with whatever comes. I love you all.
Dear Meriel,
I\'ve been keeping D and you in my thoughts and prayers because I knew this day was coming....I want so much to hear good news from you on Tuesday. I\'m sorry D is hurting so much. Have they talked about radiation for that one particular area? We were told that although radiation isn\'t the answer overall when there numerous tumors, but when there is one problematic tumor, that can help, even when there is bone involvement... Anyway, what I really know is that hope and prayer helps...so does slow breathing when the anxiety is almost too much to bear. I\'ve been there....we have all been there....so all our hearts are with you and I hope you feel the strength as our love supports you on Tuesday.
Love, Linda
Dear Meriel, Hoping for the best for you and D, that the anxiety of the scan isn\'t too much. Your thoughts of spring are so hopeful and helpful. I know what you mean about the pain - my hubby also has pelvic tumors and they are so painful Take care. - Karen
Thank you for all your comments, and your loving support - it helps. Linda - he did have radiation back in September, but it didn\'t have much, if any, effect. And, now he\'s on the trial, unfortunately radiation is one of the things not permitted under the trial protocol, so if he were to try it again, he\'d have to come off the trial. And, that is what we don\'t want to happen. So, for now he grins and bears it, and mixes and matches those meds a bit, and meditates, and does visualisation.....my darling\'s brave and determined.
Good for you - I\'m glad he\'s trying his best under the circumstances that exist right now. I wish you both strength and patience and a really good outcome.
Hugs, Gail
You and D will be on my mind Tuesday. I understand exactly what you\'re going thru. Like the rest of DS family we will be praying also. Love you, Wanda