In the morning,calmness is restored

Good morning journal,the time is 9:49am;and calmness and a sense of peace is shakily restored in my being.I awoke at 9:30am,having slept for nine hours,deeply and uninterrupted,and woke very rested and with a smile.Yesterday passed without incident,and I was able to regain control of the runaway locomotive that has been my mind of late;sitting quietly and attempting to analyze my thoughts in an attempt to understand them,and formulating sentences before I spoke,thus eliminating anger and hostility from my voice.I achieved some moderate success,which resulted in the day passing pleasantly enough,save for one or two moments when the whispers in my head threatened to lead me down pathways I did not wish to walk.My appointment with the cognitive behavioral therapist is on Friday,I find myself looking forward to it with some enthusiasm;perhaps if he can offer me some hope of a diagnosis,if I can put a name to what is happening to me mentally and emotionally,then perhaps I can formulate a strategy,either through new medication or meditation,that would enable me to achieve some stability on a daily basis, instead of the uncertainty of the present,where I really do not know which"me"I will wake up with,or where my mind will take me during the day.It is both perplexing and frightening,being aware that a change in my mental and emotional condition can occur at any moment,and that there is absolutely nothing  I can do to prevent it happening,even if and when I feel it taking place.
      This morning,I am lucid and able to think and reason logically;but already I am asking for how long?;I have become all too familiar with the swiftness with which these changes can take place,with seemingly no reason or cause;and it becomes more difficult to try and combat them everyday.Even when I succeed,my success is tempered with an unexplainable trepidation,and the certainty that it will happen again;it tires me beyond words.I feel for my wife very much,it must be horrendously frustrating and heartbreaking for her,to watch the man she loves disintegrate daily,and become someone she does not know at times,and at others,glimpse infuriatingly short lived  shadows of the man she fell in love with.I admire her tenacity and courage enormously,that she still chooses to remain with me is a complete mystery,but I am eternally grateful in moments such as now,when I am thinking clearly,that she does.Who knows what the remainder of today will bring?,I live in hope,the whispers in my mind are,for now,silent;but I am only too aware that at any moment,they could once again engage me in conversation that could yet determine the outcome of the remaining hours till bedtime.Till tomorrow then journal,let us enjoy what is now,and pray for what is to come;peace be with us.