In the Belly of the Beast...(Warning..Possible Triggers)
I had to go to the casino this morning. Not for the reason you think, but because I needed to cash a check. So yes, I went there for money, but not with any hope or expectation of winning it! I had signed up for a check cashing program way back in the day, I can write a check and it comes out of my bank account 2 days later as an ACH transaction. We get paid on Friday, but I'm still playing catch-up a bit from my gambling days, and I needed to pay my outrageously high utility bill by today. So, off to the casino I went,determined to just march up to the cashier, get my money, and make a beeline for the exit. I was really afraid I wouldn't be successful...
So, as soon as I opened the door, and the familiar smell hit me, I went into autopilot. Being a CG means I'm an expert at that. I went to the cashier, she smiled brightly, looked me straight in the eyes, and said "Hi! Haven't seen you in a long time. Welcome back!" I didn't even realize I was shaking until I looked down at my hands when I was getting my drivers license out of my wallet. It was visible. I got my mirror out of my purse, glanced at it, and my face was sweaty and pale. So here I am, with a cashier who recognized me, exhibiting all the symptoms of a heart attack, and she didn't even NOTICE! I could have dropped right there and she probably would have knelt down, put the bills in my cold lifeless hands and wished me "Good luck!"
I didn't beeline. Instead, I went to the ladies room, splashed cold water on my face, took a deep breath, and calmed down by playing Words With Friends on my phone. Then, I decided I was not going to succumb to the power of my addiction, wasn't going to run, was going to face it head on.
When I first came onto this site, there was a great post by someone who had gone back into a casino to observe. He talked about the zombie-like demeanor of the slot players, the table players behaving boorishly, pushing and desperately trying to get that bet in , and it had a profound impact on me at the time. I knew I had been one of those zombies, just saying "No thanks" and not even looking at the girls who would ask me if I wanted a drink. I was fixated on getting my next rush, eyes locked onto the machine...
So, I decided to sit at the bar overlooking the gambling floor and watch. It was 9am, so the place was relatively quiet, mostly older people, some in wheelchairs with oxygen, some couples. Then there were the old me's. The women walking in with the air of anticipation, settling in, ignoring their ringing cell phones, and getting their zombie on! I sat there for 10 minutes, in clear view of the ATM, and I got this out of body experience, like in "Back to the Future" when Marty sees himself running through the parking lot. I saw myself, going to the ATM, snatching the money out and practically running back to the machines. They had changed the layout of the floor since the last time I had been there, it felt surreal, like time had marched on and stood still at the same time.
And the zombies. Oh, the zombies. Real flesh and blood people sitting motionless in front of a machine, mindlessly pushing buttons, SMACKING buttons, caressing buttons. The old me.
I drank the rest of my iced tea, and headed for the door, the bright sunlight almost blinding me. I remembered all the times I walked out those doors sick to my stomach, getting in my car with my mind in overdrive mentally assessing the damage and trying to figure out how to stop payments and get payday loans. I remember driving out of there panicking, already figuring out my lies, sick.
Today I drove out with a calm mind, normal heart rate, normal blood pressure. And not covered in blood from going into the belly of the beast. But I don't want to risk this again very soon, because as I pulled into my driveway. I was humming music I was hearing in my head. Searched my memory for where I'd heard that tune,then realized...it was the bonus music from the Quick Hit machine.
So, as soon as I opened the door, and the familiar smell hit me, I went into autopilot. Being a CG means I'm an expert at that. I went to the cashier, she smiled brightly, looked me straight in the eyes, and said "Hi! Haven't seen you in a long time. Welcome back!" I didn't even realize I was shaking until I looked down at my hands when I was getting my drivers license out of my wallet. It was visible. I got my mirror out of my purse, glanced at it, and my face was sweaty and pale. So here I am, with a cashier who recognized me, exhibiting all the symptoms of a heart attack, and she didn't even NOTICE! I could have dropped right there and she probably would have knelt down, put the bills in my cold lifeless hands and wished me "Good luck!"
I didn't beeline. Instead, I went to the ladies room, splashed cold water on my face, took a deep breath, and calmed down by playing Words With Friends on my phone. Then, I decided I was not going to succumb to the power of my addiction, wasn't going to run, was going to face it head on.
When I first came onto this site, there was a great post by someone who had gone back into a casino to observe. He talked about the zombie-like demeanor of the slot players, the table players behaving boorishly, pushing and desperately trying to get that bet in , and it had a profound impact on me at the time. I knew I had been one of those zombies, just saying "No thanks" and not even looking at the girls who would ask me if I wanted a drink. I was fixated on getting my next rush, eyes locked onto the machine...
So, I decided to sit at the bar overlooking the gambling floor and watch. It was 9am, so the place was relatively quiet, mostly older people, some in wheelchairs with oxygen, some couples. Then there were the old me's. The women walking in with the air of anticipation, settling in, ignoring their ringing cell phones, and getting their zombie on! I sat there for 10 minutes, in clear view of the ATM, and I got this out of body experience, like in "Back to the Future" when Marty sees himself running through the parking lot. I saw myself, going to the ATM, snatching the money out and practically running back to the machines. They had changed the layout of the floor since the last time I had been there, it felt surreal, like time had marched on and stood still at the same time.
And the zombies. Oh, the zombies. Real flesh and blood people sitting motionless in front of a machine, mindlessly pushing buttons, SMACKING buttons, caressing buttons. The old me.
I drank the rest of my iced tea, and headed for the door, the bright sunlight almost blinding me. I remembered all the times I walked out those doors sick to my stomach, getting in my car with my mind in overdrive mentally assessing the damage and trying to figure out how to stop payments and get payday loans. I remember driving out of there panicking, already figuring out my lies, sick.
Today I drove out with a calm mind, normal heart rate, normal blood pressure. And not covered in blood from going into the belly of the beast. But I don't want to risk this again very soon, because as I pulled into my driveway. I was humming music I was hearing in my head. Searched my memory for where I'd heard that tune,then realized...it was the bonus music from the Quick Hit machine.
Replies
Oh, Shelley. I have heard that music in my head, so much, it is freaky! Wow, what an experience. Kind of reminds me of Tagg\'s bridge experience. I know what you mean about cashing checks there. I did that every week. I knew I had 3 days to get money in my account to cover that check...etc. etc. People ofter talk about banning yourself from the casinos, but in order to do that, you\'d have to go in there. I don\'t want to go back, because my diseased brain would tell me...This is the last time you will ever be here, better make it count. You have absolutely the BEST metaphors. Even before I stopped, I would think about the \"picture yourself going into the casino, happy and excited. Then picture yourself LEAVING the casino. Head hanging, dejected\". Lately The Car with no breaks, and the rabid monkey. Anyway The Zombie metaphor. YES, I totally agree. We become soulless creatures, with glazed eyes. I also always love your references to movies. I am a huge movie buff myself, and yes, the Shawshank Redemption is one of my favorites. That has been one of my best hopes in life. That there is always redemption possible, as long as we draw breath. I always use/think snippets of movies to myself. For example when I would lose all my money, after being \"up\", it was Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid \"Kid, the next time I say, \"Let\'s go someplace like Bolivia,\" let\'s GO someplace like Bolivia.\" -that may only make sense to me. Pretty much means Why didn\'t I get outta here when I had the chance.
Shelly, thank you for sharing your boundless wisdom. You are knocking me out with how much incite you always have. Love and respect ~Estel
Estel,
Thank you for your kind words, they mean a lot!
And I LOVE Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid! Just had a double feature night with my youngest daughter with that movie and \"The Sting\"!
Lets GO to Bolivia!!!
Shelly,
Holy Toledo, or Topeka, oh...that\'s right, it\'s KC. What an experience. I was just on the phone with Atticus and she asked me to read this...it gave me goose bumps. I am so, so relieved that you got out of there in one piece. Scary, scary stuff. Good for you! I can\'t wait to meet you next year. As I have said all along, you stuff is powerful on this board and so insightful. Please keep it coming....I am a sponge, and have never felt more alive than I feel right now forging through this daily battle. As you commented on another journal entry, This is Beatable. I believe it is, because of people like you - you\'re a godsend!