In Quicksand

It's hard to explain the way I feel today.  I thought that after my vacation and getting that out of my system that I could really move forward.  I am in a place where I don't know whether to go or to stay.  And my attitude is - does it really matter?  This life of solitude feels like it is sucking the life out of me.  I joined a dating site, and it just felt strange to look at the profiles...two have viewed mine, and zero response.  Hey, I'm only asking for friendship at this point.  Any human contact.  I am not in the mood to clean house, cook meals (although I manage to throw something together), or to do much of anything.  I feel like I am verging on a meltdown.  Not only have people forgotten him; they have forgotten me.  Their lives go on merrily.  I have plenty to do that would keep me busy, but even small tasks turn into major tasks.  I guess when I'm like this, I just need to go to bed and hope for a better day tomorrow.  It's been almost two years, and it seems like it just happened, that he should come back to me.  I don't have anyone to call, although I text a friend I met on here.  It's not right when people you have never met personally are more supportive than those you go to church with - and even family.  I need to try to finish the headstone, but it's the last thing I want to do, honestly.  I mean, it's all pretty final.  He is GONE, deceased, not coming back, no longer exists.  I am trying to accept that reality, but it's hard.  Hard to start over, hard to cope.  Hard to be alone.