In pain,but relaxed and at peace for now
As I sit here with you journal,the time is 7;25am,I have been awake since 5:35am when I was assailed with cramp in both feet and legs,and I know,from past experience,that the only course of action when this happens,is to rise and exercise the afflicted appendages as much as I am able.I am gratified beyond words for my wife's assistance in this matter,her gentle rubbing of said limbs eased my discomfort considerably.She rests now,well deserved and much needed,and I am comforted by the gentle sleep she now enjoys.This morning,as with most mornings,I sit here unsure of what to commit to words;I usually bring up the screen and wait for the muse to be upon me,so to speak;and today is no exception.So I have decided to write about how I'm feeling right now,and the truth is I am in pain,but relaxed and at peace for now;and that will do,I have been much.much worse;I am learning to be grateful for what is,not what was,or what will be,but simply what is.,My days are periods of time in which I sometimes merely exist,and in others,depending on my body's level of co-operation,I actually live a little.So today,here,this morning;I will begin my day with mild positivity and hope,and not dwell on what might be later.My wife may benefit somewhat,if I just merely say when asked,yes,I am somewhat in pain,but being around you,and having you in my life is an enormous help and blessing,thank you.See?,it only becomes difficult when both my pain level and my mood darken when I feel unable to cope.
There are times when I feel alone,the sort of loneliness one feels, even in a crowded room, when a desperate sadness and emptiness can attack me with very little notice beforehand;and these are the times I long for the freedom of death.I find it very difficult to deal with the severity and the swiftness of my mood swings;they can occur with alarming speed and devastating effect,and produce erratic and morbid thought patterns that,at times,make me doubt my sanity,and make me pray for the courage to put an end to my time in this world.There is not a day passes,when I do not think,on multiple occasions,of suicide;a state of mind which is becoming more normal for me with the passing of time.I have even reached the stage of knowing exactly how I would carry out my own death,the last plan of action on this Earth of a desperate man;and the most frightening part of it?,I am completely at peace with it in my mind,and totally unafraid at the thought.In fact,I would venture to say,I derive a huge amount of comfort in my otherwise troubled soul,that I have a course of action,in my own hands,waiting and ready should it all become too much.On the other side of the coin however,is this place;my journal,the people who come here to the various support groups;I am developing a huge affection for this site,and thankful for the support and love I am given daily by people I do not know,have never met,and probably never will;and yet I feel their pain,and share in their joy,and pray daily for an answer to their prayers as well as my own.Lastly of course,there is my wife,who at times has to assume several different entities;wife,mother,nurse and psychiatric counselor.Duties which she carries out with a surprising degree of professionalism, and very little complaint;so much so,that I wonder if the roles were reversed,would I be capable of the same loyalty,the same sacrificial dedication and commitment as she.One would hope so,for I certainly love her with every fiber of my being;but one can never be sure how one would react in any given set of circumstances until they are reality in one's life instead of mere supposition.For today at least though,I will try to be more attentive and appreciative of her ministrations in her care of me,by that I mean outwardly display my gratitude and love for her,instead of merely feeling it inside.She deserves that,she is a good,good woman,with a heart as big as Virginia where she was raised,and I know she loves me with her soul;perhaps it's time she was simply told by this cantankerous,stubborn old bear,honey,I love you too.Now journal,it is time to leave,to embark on whatever adventures and events the day ahead may have in store for us,and to return here,to this place tomorrow,to share them with those who wish to listen.Farewell my friends I do not know,my journal and myself thank you and wish for you a day of peace at least,if very little else,may your God walk with you and yours throughout the next twenty four hours.
There are times when I feel alone,the sort of loneliness one feels, even in a crowded room, when a desperate sadness and emptiness can attack me with very little notice beforehand;and these are the times I long for the freedom of death.I find it very difficult to deal with the severity and the swiftness of my mood swings;they can occur with alarming speed and devastating effect,and produce erratic and morbid thought patterns that,at times,make me doubt my sanity,and make me pray for the courage to put an end to my time in this world.There is not a day passes,when I do not think,on multiple occasions,of suicide;a state of mind which is becoming more normal for me with the passing of time.I have even reached the stage of knowing exactly how I would carry out my own death,the last plan of action on this Earth of a desperate man;and the most frightening part of it?,I am completely at peace with it in my mind,and totally unafraid at the thought.In fact,I would venture to say,I derive a huge amount of comfort in my otherwise troubled soul,that I have a course of action,in my own hands,waiting and ready should it all become too much.On the other side of the coin however,is this place;my journal,the people who come here to the various support groups;I am developing a huge affection for this site,and thankful for the support and love I am given daily by people I do not know,have never met,and probably never will;and yet I feel their pain,and share in their joy,and pray daily for an answer to their prayers as well as my own.Lastly of course,there is my wife,who at times has to assume several different entities;wife,mother,nurse and psychiatric counselor.Duties which she carries out with a surprising degree of professionalism, and very little complaint;so much so,that I wonder if the roles were reversed,would I be capable of the same loyalty,the same sacrificial dedication and commitment as she.One would hope so,for I certainly love her with every fiber of my being;but one can never be sure how one would react in any given set of circumstances until they are reality in one's life instead of mere supposition.For today at least though,I will try to be more attentive and appreciative of her ministrations in her care of me,by that I mean outwardly display my gratitude and love for her,instead of merely feeling it inside.She deserves that,she is a good,good woman,with a heart as big as Virginia where she was raised,and I know she loves me with her soul;perhaps it's time she was simply told by this cantankerous,stubborn old bear,honey,I love you too.Now journal,it is time to leave,to embark on whatever adventures and events the day ahead may have in store for us,and to return here,to this place tomorrow,to share them with those who wish to listen.Farewell my friends I do not know,my journal and myself thank you and wish for you a day of peace at least,if very little else,may your God walk with you and yours throughout the next twenty four hours.
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