In order to be happy, I have to be happy here...

I've given alot of thought to my life, as I usually do, and I have never been happy where I was; well, not for long, anyway. I was unhappy in my parents' house when I was a child, and always contributed the fact that my father was inattentive (he had his own issues to deal with), I had 3 brothers and no sisters (and boys and girls were definately treated differently in the 60's/70's when I grew up), and my OCD mother was always screaming and throwing things and I could never, ever, conceivably d anything right for the woman. I followed my father's example and became invisable. Well, I escaped from that home into the hope of an alcoholic, self-absorbed, thoughtless, useless husband. I was unhappy there, and used the invisability to try not to draw the negative attention to myself, and thus was ignored. My daughter tells me that we were fighting all the time, but I remember it differently. It needed to end, but my anxiety caused me to delay ending the misery. After that, 2 failed relationships, 5 different residences in 2 states, and I am still unhappy with where I am. Well, part of that is my general unhappyness, which I have sufferred from all my life. Kind of like reverse Stockholm Syndrome, where I feel a captive of my "life", and rather than become attached to it, I become disassociated from it and blame it for my unhappiness. The problem is that I am carrying the unhappiness around with me wherever I go. I get it in my mind that moving is going to solve the problem, but it isn't the place that is the problem, it is the life that I set up for myself. I'm not a very neat person (sometimes my "condition" makes me feel that cleaning is hopeless, and at other times I can't concentrate enough to actually accomplish anything), and when my place gets to a certain degree of disarray, I begin to think that only moving will accomplish a cleaner environment. (mind you, I always keep up with the dishes, trash removal, and laundry, I just don't put stuff away or dust - stuff like that) Well, that's just silly.  I've been accused of being lazy several times during my life, but it is not just laziness that makes my place look like this, but to be totally honest, sometimes I have to admit that the laziness is a part of it. It is more that I have issues with time management. I never seem to relax, but spend alot of time trying to relax. There just doesn't seem to be enought time. Yesterday (it seems), I was 16 years old with my whole life ahead of me. I'm 52, and barely know where all the time went.  But I know one thing - If I'm unhappy with my life i have to have the courage to change what I'm unhappy about or find a way to deal with it enough that it is no longer a problem. I have to find the inner happiness and bring it forward.