In love
Today is one of those days when I look at my wonderful boyfriend and I just want to wrap myself around him and be surrounded by his wonderful smell and know that he's mine. I'm surprised honestly that he is sticking as close to me as he is this weekend, considering that Sophia's 3rd birthday is on Tuesday. I was half expecting him to push me away and go out drinking, instead he ditched his brothers and took ME out drinking, we won about $300 on video poker and have spent the whole weekend with each other, we went to dinner tonight and rented a movie, and tomorrow we are going to work together.
We both had a long talk about everything, we both really talked and he told me he was sorry and that it was all his fault, and I told him I was sorry and it was MY fault. We cried and talked about how screwed up it all was, and talked about getting by. We even talked about how it was probably Sophia who was watching over us this week and gave us that $300 so we could spend a weekend together. I'm feeling stronger now, I feel like I can face this. I just wish I could make the pain stop for my boyfriend. He was raised super Christian and blames himself for Sophia's death because he believes it's God's punishment for his past sins, which just pisses me off to no end because WHO THE HELL PUT THAT GARBAGE IN HIS HEAD THAT HE BELIEVES GOD IS THAT TWISTED?! So now when her birthday comes around he just cannot deal and takes the day off work because he absolutely can't stand being around anyone but me.
I hate to see him so sad, and he won't open up about it or talk about it so all I can do is be here with him and make sure he knows I love him, I just hate the fact that this is even our reality. When we started dating we were 17 and 18, and I was pregnant a year later. We had everything going for us, we were each others first loves that found each other again years later and had our first home, good jobs and extra cash. We were so ecstatic for Sophia, unlike most young parents we had the money and the means to take care of a baby and our relationship was everything I had ever hoped for.
Then BAM, our whole world gets shattered and our extra money goes to burying our child, and all those dreams and aspirations for a family and a wedding and new beginnings become twisted around. Now sometimes I look at him and I hate to see that sadness in his eyes that never really goes away. I know there's so much he doesn't know how to share with me and I swear I would do anything in the world to just take that pain away from him, it's such bullshit that something that should have been the beginning of our family and lives together ended up destroying both of our senses of trust in the world and our ambitions for so long. I just hope our baby girl is staying close by us this weekend and will give me the strength to help him and help us both be strong enough to keep healing.
**Mommy loves you more than anything in the world Sophia, you are still my heart.**
We both had a long talk about everything, we both really talked and he told me he was sorry and that it was all his fault, and I told him I was sorry and it was MY fault. We cried and talked about how screwed up it all was, and talked about getting by. We even talked about how it was probably Sophia who was watching over us this week and gave us that $300 so we could spend a weekend together. I'm feeling stronger now, I feel like I can face this. I just wish I could make the pain stop for my boyfriend. He was raised super Christian and blames himself for Sophia's death because he believes it's God's punishment for his past sins, which just pisses me off to no end because WHO THE HELL PUT THAT GARBAGE IN HIS HEAD THAT HE BELIEVES GOD IS THAT TWISTED?! So now when her birthday comes around he just cannot deal and takes the day off work because he absolutely can't stand being around anyone but me.
I hate to see him so sad, and he won't open up about it or talk about it so all I can do is be here with him and make sure he knows I love him, I just hate the fact that this is even our reality. When we started dating we were 17 and 18, and I was pregnant a year later. We had everything going for us, we were each others first loves that found each other again years later and had our first home, good jobs and extra cash. We were so ecstatic for Sophia, unlike most young parents we had the money and the means to take care of a baby and our relationship was everything I had ever hoped for.
Then BAM, our whole world gets shattered and our extra money goes to burying our child, and all those dreams and aspirations for a family and a wedding and new beginnings become twisted around. Now sometimes I look at him and I hate to see that sadness in his eyes that never really goes away. I know there's so much he doesn't know how to share with me and I swear I would do anything in the world to just take that pain away from him, it's such bullshit that something that should have been the beginning of our family and lives together ended up destroying both of our senses of trust in the world and our ambitions for so long. I just hope our baby girl is staying close by us this weekend and will give me the strength to help him and help us both be strong enough to keep healing.
**Mommy loves you more than anything in the world Sophia, you are still my heart.**
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