in danger of a relapse, goal updates

hi all-my stomach hurts because i started to binge on popcorn. i ate it simply because i was all fidgety. i just wanted to be able to calm down, so i ate. it's so stupid. i shouldn't have. one of my favorite shows (law and order:svu) is on, and i can hardly stop thinking about food long enough to enjoy it. i stopped after the popcorn. for now anyway.   if you've been paying any attention to my general posts in the groups, you should know that i miserably failed at both my goals. :( i only averaged 2 meals per day that week. and i have binged several times since starting my second goal of no bingeing for a month. :( sometimes, i feel like this nightmare may never end.  god willing, i'll get approved for HIP and be able to get into treatment. whether that will mean a nutritionist, counsoler, or something else, i don't know. all i know is that it is getting more and more difficult to resist my "need" to binge. and that no matter what i do, NOTHING seems to give me the same feelings food does. doesn't that sound pathetic? as a christian, i will be honest and admit that i am ashamed to say that. i know-deep down in my gut-that god should be my comfort, my refuge, my calm in the storms of life...i do pray frequently, and believe wholeheartedly in the promises and truths in the bible. i don't know. i can't really explain why it is that i turn to food to deal with things. i should go to god with everything in my life.  oh no! i have suddenly realized i'm getting uberly personal. this was supposed to be a non-invasive, paragraph-long-at-best update. not a window into my soul. oh well. i'm sure many of you have noticed from my posts that it is infinitely easier for me to write versus talking. i'm a good talker too. it's just that my writing-in all its forms-always delves deeper into my subject matter. most people would feel down-right naked after revealing this much about themselves in a semi-public blog. but not me. i am comfortable here. i suppose it is because i have made some connections here. many of you "hug" me and respond to my threads frequently. thanks. and a few of you have my personal e-mail.  i feel comfortable here i suppose because it is here that i first admitted my pain. the quiet destruction of my eating disorder-which sadly, i was so accustomed to that even i wasn't concious of it-is something that i have kept hidden for so long. it is the last dark corner in my life. the last thing that untill last year, was no one's buisness but my own.  i guess it's natural for me to be so open. my life has forced me to be. if i have answered the question, "why are you in a wheelchair?" once, i have answered it at least a hundred thousand times. i came to accept early on that people were going to ask me a tidal wave of questions. i also came to accept quite easily the onset of my migraines. stress manifests itself in different ways in different people. with me, it always shows up via a medical problem. whether that be a migraine, an onslaught of muscle spasms, or a binge...it all depends on the amount of stress i'm under. i never really wanted people to know about the difficult relationship i have with my mom either. but again, my life forced me to be open. all the ladies at the domestic violence shelter wanted to know what an 18 year old high school senior was doing in a DV shelter three weeks before graduation. i was forced to relay my experience repeatedly. my life has forced me to be an open book. i guess the main reason why i'm so comfy here is because i fit in here. here, i can be completely honest. here, there is no stigma for people with any medical issues. and i have noticed that the eating disorders group is especially tight-knit. in all honesty, it is MUCH easier for me to open up here versus opening up on either of my online OA groups. i really appreciate dailystrength. sometimes, i will stay here all day because it feels so good to be among people who are so supportive. dailystrength has become a kind of saving grace when it comes to my eating disorder.-fallon