in big trouble

I am a cg who is living a secret life.  I always did all my gambling alone. This problem probably cost me settling down  and having a family. I Have had relationships in the past but when the commitment word was mentioned I distanced myself. My addiction was mainly horses and a little casino video poker.  i have been an addict for 30 yrs.  As a businessman, I am (or was) a successful businessman with my own company.  About 3 years ago I was buried in debt and owe the IRS a substantial amount.  i decided to quit and had a very painful talk with some friends and my family. I think I sugarcoated the extent of my problem to spare my loved ones the pain of hearing the whole truth.  Had to have my mother mortgage the house to pay the irs and people I owed.  (I have paid every payment on the mortgage on time) I quit on my own and I think I was able to quit mainly the economy tanked and I wasn't making the money to support my habit.  Although it was a struggle, I managed to control myself and probably should have filed bancrupcy back then and gone on with my life.  Paying my bills was still a struggle but I was tightening the belt and watching every dime I spent.  My business is commissioned based only and the salary I onced received for managing my company wasn't there anymore.
About 8 months ago my world went into free fall.  The stress of my business (I am a Real Estate broker with a once successful Real Estate Company), Problems with my partner, Loneliness and depression, plus The natural stress of my business alone.  I no longer could handle the ups and downs.  I started to go to the racetrack again and started losing and borrowing money.  Went on the worst losing streak I had ever experienced. (Maybe I was subconsiouncely looking to end it)  I didn;t feel any different whether I won or lost.  It really didn't make a difference.
 About 6 weeks ago I Was a few thousand in the hole and was going the casino to cash checks to cover past checks.  I thought I would be fine because I had a large closing check coming in the next few days.  That closing fell apart the day before and I panicked.  I proceeded to cash another check at the casino for another $2000 and lost that too.  (The casino gave me a $10,000 week limit which is insane because I had bounced a few previously).  I still had another $4,000 left on my limit but didn't go for it. (that is the only smart thing that I have done recently).  I HAVEN'T GAMBLED IN THE LAST 6 WEEKS DUE TO LACK OF FUNDS TO FUEL MY ADDICTION.  CURRENTLY I REALLY WANT TO QUIT AND I REALIZE IF I GET BAILED OUT THAT IS WHEN THE TOUGH PART COMES.  THE WITHDRAWEL OF NOT GAMBLING IS KNOWING THAT TOMORROW ISN'T THE DAY THAT I CAN  MAKE THE BIG SCORE AND  GET OUT OF MY DILEMNA
I phoned my best friend and told him I went off the deep end and let him know what happened.  I told him I need to talk to him and not hold back and sugarcoat my problem.  I needed to get this all out in the open so I can move to the next step.  I also asked him if he would go with me for counseling and I need him  and my other good friend to be there because I needed to fess up to my family.  He agreed.  We also talked that I needed to file bancrupcy and I need someone to  make me accountable for every dime I spent.
I was stressed!  I was dealing with other health issues in the family with my mother rehabbing from a tough surgery and my brother in law having surgery for cancer.  I told him I needed an intervention with my family as soon as things settled down.
Every day got worse for me with bill collectors calling and me avoiding their calls. and I didn't hear from my friend until 5 days later when I called him.  That conversation didn't go very well.  He said he will not discuss this with me until I am willing to get help because I was procrastinating about doing something about it like filing bancrupcy.  I told him I really needed to let everything out and talk becasue my thoughts were becoming darker everyday.  I told him that I wasn't procrastinating about filing bancrupcy but wasn't in a financial position to pay for the bancrupcy I was negative in my checking account and did check around for bancrupcy attorneys.
We did have that conversation after five weeks of the initial call.  I felt like I had to beg for them to listen to me.  We agreed to meet for Pizza and My other best friend showed up and we talked.  I wanted to let them know EVERYTHING.  I needed to open up to them and tell them things about me that were very painful for me to talk about.   Needed to let them know all my secrets I've been suppressing for many years.  Needed to let them know when I am most vulnerable and what my triggers were.  I wanted to let my friends know how the addict side of me thinks. My friend told me this was the addiction talking and I was justifying my actions.  (That wasn't my intention, I have no one to blame for my actions but myself).  I never said everything I really needed to say because I felt they weren't really listening.
Am I wrong for needing to come clean about my life before I could take the next step?  I have been living a lie for such a long time and I need to get this out of my system before I could move on.  I don't know how rational I am now and I hope I could get through this.  When I told my friend that I was having dark thoughts  he told me that you and me know that I wasn't going to do anything that drastic.
TODAY AS I WRITE THIS. I AM A SCARED, BROKE, DEPRESSED, EMOTIONALLY DRAINED MAN,  MY ADDICTION IS ABOUT TO DESTROY ME, MY FAMILY AND MY REALATIONSHIP WITH MY 2 BEST FRIENDS.  I DO PLAN ATTENDING A GAMBLERS ANONYMOUS MEETING ON TUESDAY  AND I AM GOING TO PRAY FOR THE BEST.  HOPEFULLY I WILL WILL SURVIVE THIS AND BECOME A BETTER PERSON
 
 
 
 
 
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Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

Hi My Friend, been where you are...you will find so many people on here that have been right where YOU are...this too shall pass...hang tight and GO to that GA meeting on Tuesday....most people who are not CG do not get this addiction...keep journaling and reading others journals or comments (I am the worst one to journal but I do give feedback haha) take care my friend Hugs SueRose
inquicksand
inquicksand

Thanks for the moral support. I really need it!