in a mood.............
I was crabby yesterday afternoon at work.................that carried all the way into last night. kinda feel bad for my manbeast(the manbeast is my live in boyfriend of 4 years)...............I really unleashed on him last night......... I didn't care what I said or how I said it. Then in ending I said............ you just don't understand, your son didn't die. and left it at that.......he came up to me and said nothing..........just hugged me........ and then came the tears............and more tears and more tears.
well I woke up pissed off again this morning.............. pissed off at everything............ over dirty dishes in the sink, over my coworker changing stuff on my computer, over the dumbest things that normally wouldn't get to me. but it is............... I feel like I want to hit someone .......... smash some smarts into them........ shake their shit up a bit............. and scream at the top of my lung (which I will be doing in my car in about 10 minutes..........cuz i'll be leaving for the day)
yup pissed off because I'm missing Brandon and there's not a damn thing I can do about it.
well I woke up pissed off again this morning.............. pissed off at everything............ over dirty dishes in the sink, over my coworker changing stuff on my computer, over the dumbest things that normally wouldn't get to me. but it is............... I feel like I want to hit someone .......... smash some smarts into them........ shake their shit up a bit............. and scream at the top of my lung (which I will be doing in my car in about 10 minutes..........cuz i'll be leaving for the day)
yup pissed off because I'm missing Brandon and there's not a damn thing I can do about it.
Replies
What you describe here unfortunately is typical after losing a child. You have every right to be crabby, upset & mad. As I am learning in my journey, expressing these emotions are so important. Keeping everything bottled up could result in a volcano like eruption for us.
Some safe ways to let go of negative & painful emotions, that\'s helpful, is writing journals or letters that you never send. Just to describe with words on paper, relieves a burden. I\'ve written letters, some I keep, some I don\'t, but I haven\'t sent any of them, but have still felt an un-burdening of emotion.
Some have described that hitting or screaming into a pillow beneficial to let those scary, painful emotions out.
Others have described that music or art is helpful to them.
It takes time to see what helps. Be patient & gentle with yourself, you have suffered a huge trauma. Coming here where other moms understand your painful feelings may help you not feel so alone. We care.....we truly do.
Hugs of understanding dear friend..... Vicki
I ended up getting a punching bag and with every hit, I screamed all my frustrations. It is so unfair and unjust to lose a child! There are so many emotions to release. This is a safe place to express those emotions. Vicki has done a great job of \"tools\" to use as all the feelings pour out... It takes a long time.
I wish I had \"words of wisdom\" to give you.....I\'m coming up on 8 months without my daughter and I have days that I am a maniac, days that I\'m quiet, days I cry myself to sleep and days of \'DON\'T TOUCH ME\".....In saying that I want you to know, everything you are feeling is normal and all of these moms have or continue to feel a range of emotions.
I understand and I am with you. Continue coming here....you will receive strength, love and understanding that no one else can provide. ((hugs))Vicki
This is a life long journey. Your feelings are the new \"normal\". Of course we our angry. Have you considered private grief counseling? I found that to be helpful but you\'ve got to find one who seems a good fit for you. I did also try Compassionate Friends meetings but those just didn\'t work for me. I would say expect the unexpected day to day. And hang on. Sue xo
Your bf was with you in the best way he could have been. Just holding and being with you as words are often like accelerant on an already burning fire.
Everything you are feeling is what others have experienced as well. I know I have and being angry is certainly one of them. We all were royally ripped off from having our children in our lives as we had always hoped they would be and learning how to ride this wild wave of every feeling and emotion is what you are facing and it\'s so very painful and exhausting.
Take the moments of respite when they come and they will even if for a few seconds. However you feel in this moment is needed and your feelings matter.
Inhale, exhale and lots and lots of sighs is how I\'ve navigated these six plus years and BEing here with these powerful healers who are truly my sisters.
Gentle care on this rocky and bumpy road of grief, sorrow and one day finding hope in the midst in your own time and in your own way.
XO Joanie
Man oh man.....how many times have I written this same journal!!!! Yep, pissed doesn\'t begin to express the out of control rage I felt in the beginning!!! I went off on everyone and everything. I found screaming to be very therapeutic, especially in the shower. I also found I liked to punch the cushions on the sofa and break dishes. I made many trips to the dollar store buying cheap plates that I could brake!! And lord, I cussed like a sailor that first year!!!! But truth is, it was the only way I could release what was inside my soul. Grief, this level of grief is so deep, so ugly, so painful, anger was the only way for me to get through those first months and even years.
I have been able to re-balance my life, and though the anger can, and does, still surface, I am more capable of controlling it and taking a moment or two to breathe in, breathe out, before responding to the idiots of this world!
You are doing the best you can....all that you can....and that is enough!!
When you can smile, smile; and when you need to scream and break dishes, do so.
We understand.
Tight heart hugs my friend~~Teri