In a low place

I'm having such a hard time coping right now. I'm working as much as I can but can't seem to keep enough coming in to cover everything. My daughter starts high school next Monday, and all I have been able to buy her for school is a couple of lousy t shirts, and my son's 12th birthday is the very next day and I don't have even 1 birthday present for him. Not to mention he only has a few things for school so far as school supplies. 
The money that my MIL and FIL get are barely covering the household bills, and I'm supposed to be helping them out by giving them one of my kids SSI checks, and now I find out they are stopping my son's SSI. So that means on the first I'm gonna be right back in the friggin hole right where I started from.
I'm just so tired all the time. I went to sleep this past Saturday night and slept all the way through all of Sunday, only getting up to pee (and don't really remember that much) didn't have any appetite at all. Hubby offered to make me something to eat, but I just wasn't hungry. Thought I would be working Monday, but because of weather it didn't happen, so I slept most of Monday as well. 
Worked Tuesday for a few hours, but when I got home I felt like I had worked two factory shifts and was just tuckered out. Was going to lay down on the couch and nap a bit, but then the hubby got irate with me saying "You sleep all the time now, when are you going to do something other than sleep", he wanted me to come "hang out" with him, but I just didn't feel like it. I hate fighting and arguing with him over shit like this.
I'm just so depressed right now it's hard not to cry, but I'm managing enough to keep from it. Besides, it won't help anything and I don't want to add a stuffed up head and nose to my misery. I'm worried about everything. All I want is to be able to provide for my kids, be able to provide a couple of toys for my son for his birthday, make sure they have what they need for school. And I just can't seem to do that right now. And work has slowed to a bit of a crawl so my hours are getting shorter and shorter, and with the subtraction of one SSI check, funds are dwindling fast.
Why does it seem the harder I work and try, the harder the world works against me? I get to doing good (sorta) and then shit just kicks the legs off my "stool". I've gone beyond frustration to depression. I haven't been at this level of depression in a long long time. It's like every second is a battle to not break down and cry. Just watching tv, driving in the car, just doing anything really, I feel like I am at the edge and all it would take would be a small nudge and I would break. Hell just sitting here typing this I keep feeling it welling up inside and I have to fight it.
I feel like I'm at the "what the hell do I do now" point. I'm giving everything my everything, but don't seem to be getting much back. I feel like I'm running into a brick wall, and just can't seem to stop running into the same brick wall over and over again.
All this and the overwhelming feeling that we are fixing to lose everything is not helping my HS at all. And I am so damn tired of my in laws telling me every day about how they have no money and don't know if they are going to make their bills and on and on...I'm trying to keep my shit together with them, but I'm about at my breaking point with them too. We don't eat take out, but I see my FIL running out to get my MIL chinese take out, watch my FIL run to the store and buy Camel cigs instead of store brand, and other shit like this and I wonder "then how can you be so broke if you are able to do this?" and get told "oh well we're having to spend the house money." WTF? 
It's been so long since depression has had me in its grips like this I almost can't remember it. Not that it is their fault or anything, but if I didn't have the worries about doing for my kids I doubt I would be as worried. But that part of all this is what is killing me the most. Just the simple fact that I have been unable to even provide school supplies, much less the two small items my son wants for his birthday (or even a damn cake for that matter) is slowly killing me. Why does shit have to be so damn hard? 

Replies

Faithfully77
Faithfully77

Wow Shannon you are going through a lot. I\'m so sorry. Its hard to come out of depression sometimes, but what I\'ve always heard is that we should never wait until we feel like doing something to feel better. We should start doing first when we don\'t feel like it and then the depression will lift.

I have a friend that has tried St. John\'s wort. She swears its equivalent to Wellbutrin. It works well for her. You might try that. If you can get enough to buy it, I believe at this point it would be a well spent purchase. If not, maybe you have insurance to cover a prescription med?

As far as the school supplies...we have a couple of hospitals that donate backpacks with school supplies inside every year. Right now in our area, they are donating like crazy. Maybe you could google school supply and backpack donations in your area. Surely, a church or organization is doing a school supply drive.

We didn\'t do much for my daughter\'s birthday last week except meet with a small number of family members and had cake. I brought the cake to a local restaurant. Of course, you could make your own cake and then have a small gathering at your home. Even if you have a went to a restaurant, all you might do is buy drinks - let others buy their own food and just have a small appetizer to share amongst your kids and husband. Or forget the restaurant or home and head out to a nice lake spot and take a homemade cake. You could have family or friends meet you there.

I hope you get to feeling better. I\'m sorry you\'re going through this. I will for sure keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Your friend, Faithfully