In A Funk
I'm in a funk this week. Feeling down - not my normal self. Well, what's normal anymore? I think I've caught my stbx in another lie but I'm not positive. I know it shouldn't matter anymore, but my mind wanders and creates all kinds of havoc with my heart. He said he had an interview down by the Michigan/Ohio border on Thursday night and wouldn't be back for the weekend. I can assume, I guess. that after his interview, he went to stay with his buddy Joe who lives in Ohio and hunted all weekend. This is probably exactly what he did. But.....his best friend told me his interview was in Grosse Pointe, which is only 1/2 hour from home. I don't know if his friend was mistaken or if maybe my stbx had 2 interviews, but my mind wants me to believe that he lied to me and his parents and he's off on a lovefest weekend. I know this is stupid of me to even bother to have thoughts like this. I don't even think its the thought of him with someone else that bothers me as much as being lied to by him. God I trusted this man for 23 years 100%. 100% !!!!!!! I don't believe a word he says anymore and that really hurts me. The kids don't want to decorate the tree. I have lights on it and no ornaments. I have 1 wreath up and nothing else, no other Christmas decorations - it just doesn't seem like Christmas to me. Maybe because I haven't bought not one single present. I guess if I could have shopped for Christmas like normal, it would seem like Christmas. Between Christmas Eve at the inlaws, Christmas Day with no presents, New Years Eve which is an anniversary of sorts (last year he decided on New Years Eve that he was done even though I didn't find out until Feb 18) my car breaking down AGAIN and my fiancial situation, I'm in a funk. Just plain down and out. The funny thing is I'm not upset about my pending divorce as much as I am about my situation as a whole. My stbx almost isn't even a factor in my feelings right now. Just everything coming at me all at once. I cannot wait for New Years Eve to be over with so 2009 can begin. I have a good feeling about 2009 and I am anxious for it to get started. I just keep thinking if I can get through Christmas and New Years Eve then things will start looking up from that point on. I am trying throughout this whole mess to keep a positive attitude. It's hard sometimes though. It has been such an unbelieveabily bad year for me. 2008 was by far the worst year of my whole life. Not just the stbx leaving and divorcing me after 23 years, but the bankruptcy, the foreclosure, moving, being totally broke for almost 9 months, my heart ablasion (which was scary) . There is no way on God's earth that 2009 can be any worse than 2008 so I just want it to get here already. I pray and wish that 2009 is a breakthrough year for all us who have been hurt and broken this past year. I pray and wish that each and everyone one of us here on DS find the strength, courage and fortitude to embrace 2009 as a beginning to a whole new and happier life. I for one am looking forward to it. I hate 2008, I'll be fine in 2009.
Replies
Chrissy, I am sorry you are hurting! I think you are correct that it is all ofthe circumstances put together! I do believe the holidays make it even more difficult because we have many fond memories of precious moments from the holidays. There are many traditions now gone and new ones to be started. It may not be him that you miss but what was!
I agree that the lies are a difficult thing to take after a lifetime of devotion and love! They do hurt, but just remember that you can only be responsible for your decisions in life!
You have come such a long way over this last year of hell! Having some down times are normal, especially during the holidays! Just don\'t lose sight of the fact that you are a good person and you deserve so much more in life!
May 2009 be a bright, peaceful, and happy year for you and all of our DS family!
Many hugs to you, my friend!
Honey, one thing you have to remember is that if their lips are moving, they are lying. You\'ll never allow them to hurt you if you realize that. They are unable to tell the truth anymore. It\'s all about them.
I also have big hopes for 2009. Oh boy, do I have hopes. LOL
We\'ll get through this. We weren\'t given a choice but we will come out better. Hugs my sweet friend.
I was in a little bit of a funk today as well. Not wanting or wishing anything about the X. Just that my family is so different and I wish it was different for my grandkids. But, actually, it\'s less stressful without the X. Maybe it\'s just wanting the family thing. I\'m hoping 2009 is a good year for me as well. Thanks for your post Chrissy. I think it might be the holidays for us all. But I\'m like you, the lying that my X did was unbelievable. I didn\'t think he was capable. But, I think anyone that gives up is capable of anything. I actually got a good cry in and then it was all good. I just get nostalgic when I\'m around my son and family. I miss the hugs, the love that goes with family. I think that\'s what\'s getting to me. Life moves on and I\'m ready for what God has planned. Love ya woman!
Chrissy the lows are getting just a bit tiresome aren\'t they? I had a really low weekend last week and I\'m just getting my strength back.
Whatever you do, don\'t let your thoughts get the best of you right now! Get enough sleep and do positive things to keep your mind from running with the negative thoughts. Exercise, meditation, and prayer.
Keep that goal list handy. What can you do right now to help lay the foundation for those goals? Look up places and prices to get your teeth whitened? Do some exercise or weight training to get in shape for white water rafting? Those are positive and free!
Love ya!!!!
Zen: This is one of those times when you have a choice: you can stay in the funk OR you can begin anew. Christmas tends to bring out the worst in all of us -- whether things in our lives are good or bad. That\'s partly because of all the \"expectations\" the media creates and the perfect images that are depicted this time of year. I found that when I start to feel funky at the holidays, all I have to do is take a look around and see JUST HOW FORTUNATE I REALLY AM. My marriage ended badly and the collateral damage was huge; I was betrayed not only by my ex, but by a host of people I thought were my friends and one of my sisters. That\'s history. THIS YEAR I am counting my blessings -- and among them are having learned the difference between true friends and \"social friends\"; knowing the difference between what I NEED and what I simply WANT; and knowing deep in my heart that no matter what kind of difficult circumstances I have had to face through all that, GOD was watching over me the whole time; guiding me; holding me up when I felt I could barely stand up. GOD WANTED A BETTER LIFE FOR ME. Once I gave up trying to figure it all out (much less trying to fix it) and let go, things got better. Look at me now -- more calm, more happy than I\'ve ever been, warm and cozy in the home I fought so hard to keep AND with the love of a man who is more like me in his heart and soul than my ex could have been on a good day. Look around you and count your blessings. If you can\'t afford to buy gifts for your children, encourage them to write on slips of paper all the things that they are thankful for and then share them on Christmas morning. We ALL have many, many things to be thankful for and unfortunately, we don\'t often take the time to reflect on those things. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers this week, as I do all the people here on DS who are going through tough times. It will get better! Keep telling yourself this little truth: Your stbx has already hurt you as much as possible. He cannot hurt you any more. Don\'t give him any more power over your heart and mind. He is nothing to you. You deserve SO MUCH BETTER. Believe this and something wonderful will happen for you.
Much love,
Cowgirl Kathi