In a crowd

Tonight felt like an empty, barren space. I was with friends, but I was lonely. Was it because most of my friends are paired off? Is it because my ex-boyfriend was sitting next to me, or when he went to sit so close to another girl? Or is it, once again, this disorder that overtakes me? My eyes are tired and closing as I write this. My only conclusion is that I'm not worthy enough to be noticed. I love my friends, but when I'm with them I feel so far off into a distant world. I yearn for closeness, if they only knew how I feel. But I've learned from my experiences that my emotions are better left unsaid. Only two things can happen: I'll be misunderstood or be accepted only by pity. Ironically, these same friends also have emotional up and downs. Three of them are on medication, and my ex thinks he should be on meds too. So why am I so lonely? I have no answer, especially tonight. Lately I have just allowed depression to swallow me, and somehow, it feels good...to let it out the only way it knows how. My medications control me enough to keep me somewhat strong, but the problem (I think it's a problem) is that I can't cry. And oh how I want to cry! 
I've realized that most of my upset and discouragement comes from my own bitterness towards myself. Too many times I say "if it wasn't for this disorder..." then just fill in the blank with whatever situation I'm in the middle of. I'd have my own life right now. I'd be able to work, to live on my own, have a relationship. Without these things I just feel like I got nothing to get up in the morning for. Is this me talking? Or is it my other personality...the one created from medication, the one that's borne from symptom after symptom, or the one that's hidden and lost somewhere deep down inside me? Don't even know who I am, and without that, how can I figure out who I want to be?
The confusion is tiring.