Important Week
Well, this week is going to be one for the memory book I know. When it rains it pours, so the question is, will there be a pouring out of wonderful things, or with it be a terential down pour of disappointments? I am not sure exactly how I feel right now- being it Sunday night, and a lot of questions and events going on in our lives this week. The week starts on Tuesday with our foster care hearing to find out if the little ones, who we have come to adore and love through visits over the past month, will be placed in our home. The court hearing is at 9:30 Tuesday morning and my stomach is just in knots right now. I know that I need to give the fear and anxiety to God, but as I look around at the toys, clothes, diapers, etc. that are around my house right now, I can't. Once again in my journey through infertility, I have no control over the situation. We know that even if the kids are placed, it does not mean they will be with us forever, but we need to at least have them officially placed before we even think about that. So that is Tuesday.
Aunt Flo is supposed to be coming at some point this week- I refuse to turn back to last month's page in my planner to see when AF came, because I am so tired of counting. I know that she should be coming at some point- but when is the question. For almost 4 years I have been counting and playing mind games- this week I won't, but still dread going to the bathroom. I have felt like crap the past week- having been gassy beyond belief for no apparent reason, and have had this wierd acidy feeling in my chest and throat all week- what does it mean? Who the heck knows, I hate that after trying for almost 4 years have hope that AF won't show but know deep down that she will- because I have given up hope that it will happen.
To round out my week is my 30th birthday. I thought that 30 would be no problem, but from the way I am starting to feel- I don't think it will be as easy as I had hoped. We have an out of town wedding this weekend on Saturday, and my birthday is on Sunday- meaning no time for a party, no time for dinner with friends, no acknowledgement of any kind. I am super disappointed because all of our friends who have already turned 30 have had a party, but there is no time for one for me. Our weekends from here on out are so full. And well, I'm just sad that once again I am the person who is going to get overlooked. That sounds juvenille I know, but right now in my life I just wish that I could have something special for myself. I go to birthday parties, and baby showers when it is everyone else's special day- and well, I have no reason to get a special day, and it really hurts. It is jealousy of all sorts going on in my heart right now- and it is just starting to hurt. I'm not sure about how the wedding is going to be- it will depend upon if we get the kids and if AF shows. All of our friends who will be there either just had a baby or are pregnant. I have found that when we are with them, everything revolves around baby talk- and even with the possibility of having the placement of Hannah and Jeremiah, I don't feel like I fit in. I am not their biological mom, and I don't even know if they will be placed, yet alone if they will turn into our forever children. Don't get me wrong, I love the kids, but it is hard right now to get happy when I live in fear of the future. If i knew we would be able to adopt them, I know there would be a joy in my heart like no other- but right now I can't get past the fear.
So right now... I come face to face with such a full week of unknowns and possible pain and heartache. Or a week of hope and dreams come true??? If I were a betting woman I would put money on the pain part- because as I sit here, that is all I feel.
Aunt Flo is supposed to be coming at some point this week- I refuse to turn back to last month's page in my planner to see when AF came, because I am so tired of counting. I know that she should be coming at some point- but when is the question. For almost 4 years I have been counting and playing mind games- this week I won't, but still dread going to the bathroom. I have felt like crap the past week- having been gassy beyond belief for no apparent reason, and have had this wierd acidy feeling in my chest and throat all week- what does it mean? Who the heck knows, I hate that after trying for almost 4 years have hope that AF won't show but know deep down that she will- because I have given up hope that it will happen.
To round out my week is my 30th birthday. I thought that 30 would be no problem, but from the way I am starting to feel- I don't think it will be as easy as I had hoped. We have an out of town wedding this weekend on Saturday, and my birthday is on Sunday- meaning no time for a party, no time for dinner with friends, no acknowledgement of any kind. I am super disappointed because all of our friends who have already turned 30 have had a party, but there is no time for one for me. Our weekends from here on out are so full. And well, I'm just sad that once again I am the person who is going to get overlooked. That sounds juvenille I know, but right now in my life I just wish that I could have something special for myself. I go to birthday parties, and baby showers when it is everyone else's special day- and well, I have no reason to get a special day, and it really hurts. It is jealousy of all sorts going on in my heart right now- and it is just starting to hurt. I'm not sure about how the wedding is going to be- it will depend upon if we get the kids and if AF shows. All of our friends who will be there either just had a baby or are pregnant. I have found that when we are with them, everything revolves around baby talk- and even with the possibility of having the placement of Hannah and Jeremiah, I don't feel like I fit in. I am not their biological mom, and I don't even know if they will be placed, yet alone if they will turn into our forever children. Don't get me wrong, I love the kids, but it is hard right now to get happy when I live in fear of the future. If i knew we would be able to adopt them, I know there would be a joy in my heart like no other- but right now I can't get past the fear.
So right now... I come face to face with such a full week of unknowns and possible pain and heartache. Or a week of hope and dreams come true??? If I were a betting woman I would put money on the pain part- because as I sit here, that is all I feel.
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