Impact Statement

Alright so here it is, albeit a VERY rough draft written through tears. I was going to put it as friends only but from what I understand after it is read in court it will be public record anyway so maybe this way I will get even more feedback (though I did remove names on here). Umm any feedback is appreciated because I'm not sure if I still caught the right tone in it. I struggle with trying to find words to express how badly I was hurt and really wanted to be able to do that.  Honorable Judge,            My name is ____ and I am writing to you in order to explain the impact in my life from the actions of _______. Since the time that I learned that I would have to opportunity to write an impact statement I have struggled with actually composing it. I would compose it in parts in my head over and over again and I kept coming back to the same question. How to explain to people that I have never met the pain that someone else can cause in your life.             I became an aunt, not in the usual way when my niece and nephew were born, but instead when they moved in with my sister and brother in law 5 years ago when my niece ____ was 10. Since that time I have watched her struggle and work hard to overcome the pain and hurt that was suffered in her birth home. I watched her turn into a beautiful, intelligent, strong young woman who loves her family, animals, music and art. Then I had to watch as _____ selfish actions hurt this young woman all over again. I have had to stand by while she struggles all over again to try and come to terms with what has happened and move past not only this hurt but also her past which was brought up again by what he chose to do. How can someone so young be expected to understand this when I am a grown woman and I still don’t understand it myself. I am so proud of my niece for being strong enough to be able to say that what ____ did was not right and to stand up and tell someone what happened.             I began dating _____ approximately 2 years ago – at first it was long distance when he lived in Marion, then he came to Kent State and then he moved in with me in May of 2008. We had our normal share of problems that any couple may go through but as a whole the relationship was a good one, or at least that is what I thought. The day my life changed started like any other one, I was working on making Christmas cards and needed to go to my sister’s house to use the computer. After I got there she told me that she needed to show me something and we went upstairs and she showed me my niece’s journal that had a description of what happened in it. I could do nothing but cry, I wanted so badly to believe that it wasn’t true and yet on some deep level I knew that it was or it wouldn’t have hurt so bad. Still I stayed with him through the investigation just to be sure of what the truth was. Then on the morning of his interview at Children’s Services I drove him there and was waiting in the car while he went inside and then I got a phone call to tell me that he had been arrested in case I was waiting for him.  I made it maybe 3 blocks before I had to pull over because I couldn’t drive any more.              The days, weeks, and months that have followed ____ arrest have been some of the most challenging of my life. I never before realized the intense hurt that can be caused from another person, emotional pain so bad that it causes physical pain. For weeks I couldn’t eat because my stomach felt torn in half from being in a constant knot from stress and crying. I couldn’t sleep and stayed away from home as often as I could and would only go home at night to sleep – which wouldn’t come because as I lay in bed at night all I could think of was that it was in the same bed that I had previously shared which would then lead to thinking about his actions and their consequences. When I think of being close to the man who would do the things that ____ did it makes me cringe. The stress and hurt of the situation have also affected my academic life by making it difficult for me to attend classes because there are some days in which getting up and dressed feel like an accomplishment. I have suffered anxiety and depression since this started and would most likely benefit from counseling but lack insurance and therefore do not have access to it. In the wake of ____ actions there has been a great toll taken not only upon my niece but upon me as well. She has to deal first hand with what he did to her and I have to deal with the emotions about how he betrayed my trust. I am left with questions that have no answers, and memories of a man I once loved tainted with the knowledge that he was hiding what he was truly capable of.  I would like to say that in the months since his arrest that things have gotten easier, but they have not and even now writing this statement it feels as if all of these memories are fresh.              To _____ I would like to say this: You always told me that you wanted to make my life better and that you wanted to protect me. Instead you have hurt me far more than I had previously thought possible. You took the love and trust that I gave to you and decided that it was not enough for you. You made a conscious decision to act in the way that you did without any regard to how it would affect anyone else, but your actions did affect others. They hurt my niece, they hurt my sister and brother in law, they hurt your grandmother, and they hurt me. Even after you were arrested you tried to tell me how much you loved me, I don’t know if you know how to love someone other than yourself. You acted selfishly, and through this statement and the others read I hope that you begin to get an idea of how this has impacted those that you claimed to love.  You will have to live with that knowledge for the rest of your life, and you will have to know that even after the court case is over we will be dealing with the consequences of your actions for a long time. I hope that in time I am able to forgive you for what you have done, right now it is still too soon and there is far too much pain attached but in the future, maybe. It is my sincere hope that you can use whatever jail time constructively and get counseling so that you will never hurt another family in the same way that you hurt mine.             I was told that in pleading guilty to the charge that he did ____ could receive a sentence ranging from probation up to 18 months in jail. It is my opinion that it would not be in either _____ best interest or the best interest of the community if he were to receive probation and be released. I believe he would be better served to remain incarcerated and not just for punitive reasons. For _____ to have made the choices that he did that led to this point there had to have been things going on mentally that he did not share with anyone. I am hopeful that time spent incarcerated can be used not only as a punitive measure but also for him to receive counseling in order to place his life on a better path. In a letter he wrote me from jail he made mention of “if I only knew the things that were in his head”, this sounds to me like a man who is in need of help. It is too late to prevent the hurt that happened to me and my family; however, it is not too late to prevent it from occurring to someone else. Regardless of the sentence that he receives I hope that counseling long term is in his future and that he can learn to be a changed man.              Thank you for your time in reading this statement.