Imaginary Letter from OW
The unsent letter - unsent because she never wrote it, so I wrote it for her. Why not?
(Not proofread - sorry for mistakes and typos. Needed to barf it all out while it was in my head.)
Allora,
To say this letter is "too little, too late" is an understatement. However, I feel I owe you - and your family - a huge apology.
Nothing I ever say or do will right the wrongs of the past. I have also come to realize that there was no excuse for what I did. That said, there were reasons and I feel I need to share them. Maybe my reasons will give you some insight or maybe not, but its something I owe you.
First, you need to know a little bit about me. I grew up with all the creature comforts anyone could have asked for. I had a cushy life, a loving family, and a pretty face. But it was never enough. There was so much pressure from my family to be and do and have more. As much as we loved each other, I don'I think I ever felt adequate. Good grades weren't enough. Great grades were better, but then what about extracurricular activities? My whole life was spent trying to live up to expectations that even then fell short of being good enough.
During college I invested so much time and energy in school, I never had time for real relationships. I saw my friends falling in love and even marrying, but me? No. I didn't have time, and frankly, I didn't know how. Besides, it was an ego boost and a lot easier to just fall into bed with whatever guy I met at the bar than trying to build something long term. I also always had a tiny voice in my head questioning whether or not I was good enough. I'd drink - quite effectively - to drown out that voice and I just tried to vibe the "fun" girl. The one guys could be around easily and not have to try to impress or be serious about.
When I finished law school, I thought maybe it would be enough. I thought maybe I would be happy. I thought maybe I could finally find someone to love and love me back. Old habits die hard, though. Everyone wants to fuck the party girl but no one wants to bring her home to mom. I also quickly learned that I was a tiny fish in a huge pond, career wise. That's why I took the job in [this county] - it was a chance to be in a MUCH smaller, much less competitive pond. I could tell my east coast friends I was practicing law "in the Bay Area" and sound far more impressive than I really am. I could financially afford to live in a way that made it seem like I was doing much better than I would be anywhere else.
When I met your husband, it's true - I was dating someone else. i even felt pretty strongly about him. But he saw me as a party girl - not someone to settle down with. And, to be honest, he had himself pegged as an eternal bachelor. He didn't want to be domesticated. He didn't want kids. He didn't want a life together - he wanted a good time. It was enough for me, I guess, until I met your husband.
H. was the first guy I had a chance to really get to know who was, well, grown up, but still maintained a boyish charm. He was responsible for himself and his family. He didn't go to the bar with the other guys from work and he didn't look for excuses to stay out and not go home. He always rushed right home to you. It was something I hadn't seen really before, even with my married friends. He was smart and funny but also quiet and withdrawn. he was a father of three kids. He was, well. Settled. Domesticated. Everything my boyfriend wasn't. He also was yours.
I took it all as a challenge, at first. Could I get him to take me on a ride along where so many others had failed before? Could I get him to come out with the rest of us for drinks? Yes, eventually, it became the challenge: could I get him to pick me over you. I never really did accomplish that one, though, did I?
I remember one night we got into a huge fight because I had asked him why he never told me he loved me. I told him all the time, but he never reciprocated. He ended up screaming at me, "I love Allora! NOT YOU!" And then he left.
This is the part you have to understand. Of course you can understand how I could fall in love with H. - you hopefully know and appreciate how amazing he is - bit you need to understand why I kept pursuing him even though I knew he still loved you. It's really two parts. The first is easy: I had to (just like all the years before) PROVE I was good enough. The second is that after entering an affair, after admitting I was in love with him, after chasing so hard for him, I had to prove it was real. I had to justify my abhorrent actions by winning his heart and running off into the sunset with him. I thought that if he left you and made a life with me that it would somehow erase the "sin" of the situation and prove it only happened because we were meant to be together.
No, I didn't think about how devastated you would be. I didn't really care. I hated you. I was jealous that you had everything that I never would. By the time you were my age you already had three beautiful children and a husband of TEN years. You and H. were ensconced in volunteering together. You shared hobbies and interests. No one EVER rushed home from work to be with me. Not even my parents when I was a kid. You had everything I wanted.
I thought I could win, Allora. I thought I could persuade him with sex. When that didn't work, I tried money. When that failed, I even tried to blackmail him. I cried. I demanded. I tried to reason with him and show him how much better I would be. And still, he always rushed home. To you.
i may never know why he thought YOU were better than me, but I do know he always did. I never stood a chance.
Now that it's my turn find try to find that kind of love and devotion, I realize how terrible and how broken my actions were. I realize that instead of pouring my heart and soul into trying to take H. from you, I should have been trying to find someone who wanted that from me. I wish I could say it was to spare you pain, but really, it's because I have never felt so hurt and rejected and worthless as having him reject me over and over. Instead of feeling validation in my self worth, my ego was repeatedly destroyed.
Maybe you'll be happy to know it hasn't ended there. People at work look at me differently. They treat me differently. The guys steer clear of me and the women snicker and make jokes behind my back. When guys at work hit on me it's not just the "fun party girl" they're looking for - its the easy lay. Professionally, I know I'll have to work ten times as hard as before to regain any kind of professional respect. My boss thinks I'm a joke. They say karma is a bitch. You have no idea.
Now that I am married, I see how wonderful things can be and I really want to hold on to this. I want the things you have with H. - only now I have my own guy to share them with. When I think of him cheating on me, it strikes terror into my heart. After all, H. didn't think I was good enough. Maybe my husband won't, either. Maybe my husband will leave me, too. It leaves me realizing - at least a little - what my choices put you through. All I can say is that I'm sorry and I swear it will never happen again.
While I don't know how you could ever find it in your heart to forgive me, I at least wanted you to know my side of things and to let you know your marriage is safe from me ever interfering again. I have learned my lesson and only hope that you and H. have managed to work things out.
Most Sincerely,
OW
(Not proofread - sorry for mistakes and typos. Needed to barf it all out while it was in my head.)
Allora,
To say this letter is "too little, too late" is an understatement. However, I feel I owe you - and your family - a huge apology.
Nothing I ever say or do will right the wrongs of the past. I have also come to realize that there was no excuse for what I did. That said, there were reasons and I feel I need to share them. Maybe my reasons will give you some insight or maybe not, but its something I owe you.
First, you need to know a little bit about me. I grew up with all the creature comforts anyone could have asked for. I had a cushy life, a loving family, and a pretty face. But it was never enough. There was so much pressure from my family to be and do and have more. As much as we loved each other, I don'I think I ever felt adequate. Good grades weren't enough. Great grades were better, but then what about extracurricular activities? My whole life was spent trying to live up to expectations that even then fell short of being good enough.
During college I invested so much time and energy in school, I never had time for real relationships. I saw my friends falling in love and even marrying, but me? No. I didn't have time, and frankly, I didn't know how. Besides, it was an ego boost and a lot easier to just fall into bed with whatever guy I met at the bar than trying to build something long term. I also always had a tiny voice in my head questioning whether or not I was good enough. I'd drink - quite effectively - to drown out that voice and I just tried to vibe the "fun" girl. The one guys could be around easily and not have to try to impress or be serious about.
When I finished law school, I thought maybe it would be enough. I thought maybe I would be happy. I thought maybe I could finally find someone to love and love me back. Old habits die hard, though. Everyone wants to fuck the party girl but no one wants to bring her home to mom. I also quickly learned that I was a tiny fish in a huge pond, career wise. That's why I took the job in [this county] - it was a chance to be in a MUCH smaller, much less competitive pond. I could tell my east coast friends I was practicing law "in the Bay Area" and sound far more impressive than I really am. I could financially afford to live in a way that made it seem like I was doing much better than I would be anywhere else.
When I met your husband, it's true - I was dating someone else. i even felt pretty strongly about him. But he saw me as a party girl - not someone to settle down with. And, to be honest, he had himself pegged as an eternal bachelor. He didn't want to be domesticated. He didn't want kids. He didn't want a life together - he wanted a good time. It was enough for me, I guess, until I met your husband.
H. was the first guy I had a chance to really get to know who was, well, grown up, but still maintained a boyish charm. He was responsible for himself and his family. He didn't go to the bar with the other guys from work and he didn't look for excuses to stay out and not go home. He always rushed right home to you. It was something I hadn't seen really before, even with my married friends. He was smart and funny but also quiet and withdrawn. he was a father of three kids. He was, well. Settled. Domesticated. Everything my boyfriend wasn't. He also was yours.
I took it all as a challenge, at first. Could I get him to take me on a ride along where so many others had failed before? Could I get him to come out with the rest of us for drinks? Yes, eventually, it became the challenge: could I get him to pick me over you. I never really did accomplish that one, though, did I?
I remember one night we got into a huge fight because I had asked him why he never told me he loved me. I told him all the time, but he never reciprocated. He ended up screaming at me, "I love Allora! NOT YOU!" And then he left.
This is the part you have to understand. Of course you can understand how I could fall in love with H. - you hopefully know and appreciate how amazing he is - bit you need to understand why I kept pursuing him even though I knew he still loved you. It's really two parts. The first is easy: I had to (just like all the years before) PROVE I was good enough. The second is that after entering an affair, after admitting I was in love with him, after chasing so hard for him, I had to prove it was real. I had to justify my abhorrent actions by winning his heart and running off into the sunset with him. I thought that if he left you and made a life with me that it would somehow erase the "sin" of the situation and prove it only happened because we were meant to be together.
No, I didn't think about how devastated you would be. I didn't really care. I hated you. I was jealous that you had everything that I never would. By the time you were my age you already had three beautiful children and a husband of TEN years. You and H. were ensconced in volunteering together. You shared hobbies and interests. No one EVER rushed home from work to be with me. Not even my parents when I was a kid. You had everything I wanted.
I thought I could win, Allora. I thought I could persuade him with sex. When that didn't work, I tried money. When that failed, I even tried to blackmail him. I cried. I demanded. I tried to reason with him and show him how much better I would be. And still, he always rushed home. To you.
i may never know why he thought YOU were better than me, but I do know he always did. I never stood a chance.
Now that it's my turn find try to find that kind of love and devotion, I realize how terrible and how broken my actions were. I realize that instead of pouring my heart and soul into trying to take H. from you, I should have been trying to find someone who wanted that from me. I wish I could say it was to spare you pain, but really, it's because I have never felt so hurt and rejected and worthless as having him reject me over and over. Instead of feeling validation in my self worth, my ego was repeatedly destroyed.
Maybe you'll be happy to know it hasn't ended there. People at work look at me differently. They treat me differently. The guys steer clear of me and the women snicker and make jokes behind my back. When guys at work hit on me it's not just the "fun party girl" they're looking for - its the easy lay. Professionally, I know I'll have to work ten times as hard as before to regain any kind of professional respect. My boss thinks I'm a joke. They say karma is a bitch. You have no idea.
Now that I am married, I see how wonderful things can be and I really want to hold on to this. I want the things you have with H. - only now I have my own guy to share them with. When I think of him cheating on me, it strikes terror into my heart. After all, H. didn't think I was good enough. Maybe my husband won't, either. Maybe my husband will leave me, too. It leaves me realizing - at least a little - what my choices put you through. All I can say is that I'm sorry and I swear it will never happen again.
While I don't know how you could ever find it in your heart to forgive me, I at least wanted you to know my side of things and to let you know your marriage is safe from me ever interfering again. I have learned my lesson and only hope that you and H. have managed to work things out.
Most Sincerely,
OW
Replies
I did the same thing. You can go back and read it if you\'d like. I went one step further, maybe try this too. Write a letter \"in response\" to hers. It helped at the time.
Thank you. I may try that.
I still wish someone would just punch her in her smug face. But at least this letter gave me a few days of peace. Stuff started creeping in a bit today but not at the obsessive level it was.