Im tired and lonely

Im alone again. i have nobody around me.i had hard feelings for this guy, jason. He refused to grow and mature and said it was bc he wanted to stay true to himself and hated the idea of him changing himself to please others. I saw his potential and how on his "good days" he would be my night in shinning armor. i still picture my life with him. even the friends we had together.  I miss them so much. 

But i know this is for the best....They spoke crap about me about my back and gaslight me A LOT. i just wanted them to be my forever friends and for a second i thought they were....I saw my future with them...Mainly jason...I think i almost loved him? which is hard bc i havent felt that since my ex fiance....thats a whole other can of worms.

My brain tells me i made the right choice but my heart tells me i need him....Jeremiah 17:9-10 says that the heart lies and is wicked....boy do i believe that now. i cant stop crying i miss Jason so much. one of the very few friends i do have left told me that my bond with jason sounded like a trauma bond and i cant stop thinking of that either