Im So Tired Of This Talking About It Time After Time

I’m so tired of this problem talking time after time about it.  I don’t even want to write about it because I’m so tired of it!  Nothing gets better.  Well, I’ll rephrase that.  It’s still there.  My therapist said it’ll still be there unless something medically happens with going to the doctor (no doctors!) and finding something to help it or if I keep doing things to help expand my bladder so it’s not so much of a problem.  She asked me if I see improvement.  Yes.  Especially after my Mexico trip and the diverticulitis where I slid backwards some.  It just sucks!  I told her about the trip to California to see my son and all that we will be doing including flying into Vegas (she has been) and going to LA and San Diego.  That with this and everything else, all the other activities, I feel like I’m setting myself up (like I said Friday night) for things to happen.  But at least I’m going.  Yes.  She and I said how I love to do things, go places and such.  I even said so far it hasn’t stopped me.  I just worry and have to work through each time.  Will she help me again?  Yes.  She said some things carry over like for instance packing and such.  I told her they do but after each trip I want to forget everything.  So it’s almost like starting all over again – I hate this.  Should I book it?  She said it sounds like I really want to go.  Yes, I do.  I told her I wanted to go walking outside, now, when I don’t have to go to the bathroom so that I know I can do this.  When I have too many accidents like I’ve been I have to know I can do it.  She said to wait a few minutes until everyone’s in their rooms because she knows I don’t like to be seen.  That guy I talk to just left.  He comes on Monday’s too and this is the first time I’ve seen him on Monday.  So I called the girl at my dentist’s office to ask what my daughter’s boyfriend is getting on Thursday that he wants me to take him.  She heard the conversation.  I was afraid of him throwing up in my car.  She said he should be fine.  Then he called and I talked to him a bit.  When I hung up I said he’s really scared but I can understand because I get scared about other things.  Yes she replied knowing I know how he feels.  So after that phone call we left.  I didn’t know whether to take my extra clothes or not, she said she’d hold the bag.  She said it’s up to me.  No – I don’t want them as a reminder and I don’t need to go.  So we made this as normal as could be.  We walked once.  She asked if we should go back.  No, I wanted to walk one more time.  We did, I looked at her and said, “Let’s go back,” so we did.  While we were walking I told her about my wasp sting on Friday and shopping with my daughter for her birthday on Saturday.  Otherwise she wasn’t as talkative, kind of quiet, as she usually is.  Hum?  When we got back upstairs she asked me how that was.  Fine – very nice!  I did say the memories of before were there but it was OK.  She nodded like she understood.  It was a perfect thing to do because earlier I said I need successes, too.  When we do that and I have so many accidents I need to feel like I can do that without an accident.  She again said to keep it as normal as we can.  And, in real life she told me, I don’t have that many accidents compared to how many times I need to go.  We talked about babysitting not knowing who’s mom to my grandson – me or my daughter.  I do more of the talking, more assertive.  About that guy holding my hand, squeezing it, kissing it and embracing me later.  About the friend that said something about my daughter’s boyfriend not very nicely and I asked another friend of mine and he was very nice about it.  She has been to something like this before.  Having my grandson with me during part of it was very special.      We talked about being in the same dressing room as my daughter and she’s gotten so heavy.   It’s been the first time in a long time. She’s looking for XL and XXL and I’m looking for S and XS.  I said something about me.  I shouldn’t.  I wouldn’t trade for anything but I feel for her.  We talked about going out to lunch in memory of my Mom yesterday.  I reminded her about what happened last year to my youngest when we went there – real bad stomach pains maybe a gall bladder attack.  Then we talked more about the trip to California and how my son is more excited now.  My cousin just called back a few minutes ago and said it’s fine to stay there a night.  Oh yes I want to but she knows how that brings upon other worries.  I said yes, excitedly, wanting to forget I have that problem.  Lots of driving, too.  And my son is not a very tolerant person.  He doesn’t know very much about this because as the kids get older we really don’t go places – just stay at home.  My daughter knows more and because of our spring break trip but not really the boys – especially my youngest.  She said to get my husband involved.  When I do then my son gets angry at me.  She thinks he’ll do something to upset me at least once – the food I’m eating, something.  Yeah, he’ll go off on something and he talks forever about it.  And about seeing my Aunt – probably for the last time.  That will be hard.  And telling her will be hard – maybe I’ll do it up there.  And letting her go and leaving my son again that will be hard.  And being with other people.  I want to go so badly.  I just about started crying when I talk about how I miss my son.  It’s been right at a year since I’ve seen him.  I just hate having to deal with this problem all over and over again.  And to talk about it all over and over again.  I don’t think she understands.  And, I’m hoping she’s not as tired of it as I am – I’m so tired of it I can’t tell you!!  I needed to go to the bathroom.  I wanted to go walking but she suggested no.  She wants me to remember the success I just had.  She’s probably right.  I joked and said, “Not to chance having that forth boy.”  Yeah.  So I just waited with her.  It was 4 minutes, 5 minutes, 6 minutes.  I commented on how slow the minutes are passing.  Once she asked me if I wanted to go.  No – not yet.  I waited a couple more minutes but really struggling.  She commented about having successes but I wanted to keep trying.  Once it was very silent and she was just looking at me – I hate that.  I told her to say something.  She did but by then it was really getting harder.  “You look like you really need to go,” she finally said.  “I do.  I’m going to go,” I replied back and got up to go.    Later I asked her how long I waited.  6 minutes.  She said I really need to practice every day at home waiting as long as I can to expand my bladder out.  Even without the panicky I still need to go very soon.  I told her I do practice.  But I can’t every day – like Saturday and Sunday I couldn’t.  And sometimes when I do I have more accidents because I wait too long.  She said she knows it’s an inconvenience but at home no one knows about it.  She said between now and the trip (a little over a month) is a really good time to practice a lot and have longer stretches between times and wait longer when I have to go to increase the size of my bladder.  Today was longer when I needed to go.  It was 45 minutes into the session and it’s been only 35 minutes so that is good.   So after I got back we talked about the logistics of the Amish Country trip.  We are stopping for lunch now.  She’s thinking I’ll need to stop 3 times.  One before lunch, lunch and one after.  We talked about if I should say something ahead of time or just call on our cell phones.  I told her about the CD we are renting and driving around the country and then going to the stores.  The guy told me not to count on bathrooms out there.  She said to get them aside to ask to go.  I said how sometimes they just won’t let you.  Like that one time with the boys on our trip to Washington DC.  I asked her if it’s OK to find in inconspicuous place outside even though I’d hate to have to do that.  Yes, if I have to.  She said about Plan B (what’s Plan B? I asked – she said she was just talking) and Plan C is using protection (I hate those things - yuck) or having an accident and having to use my extra clothes.  She said to keep them in the trunk of the car.   I’m so frustrated.  I talk and talk about this.  She talks and talks with me.  I’m so very tired of it.  Is she so very tired of it?  It’s the same thing over and over again with each trip and each situation.  I want to stop talking about it!  I want to stop dealing with it!  I want it to just go far away!  Very far away … China or Siberia or better yet to the north or south poles!   And stay there and never come back!