im having a beter day...today...thanx God
well I dont know if i believe in how much God has conrol on earth. but thats religion and im not going into that. maybe i should. should atleast define in what i believe at this stage. i dont like how everything we dont have answers to brings us back to expaining oit by terming it God or his ways or the greater plan if your optimistic. I dont like the mind control. I dont like the power battle.. i jsust dont know.
anyway
lately i have been seing extra cars on the road. car halucinations. i dont like it. hey, but what can i do. i dont know... it sucks. i feel .... an thats a good thing. i have friends who care for me. they always show me the road to well they actually dont really help as much as... well they dont actually know, well some of them know... but they seems to act like they never heard it, well who can blame... i dont blame them... i guess it thakes two... anmyways in my world, i have to start writing this stuff in afrikaans... but not today... i feel like i havent connected to a person in years... fuck that.... i think im doing ok ... any ways ... this stage seems to be set... now i have to act... we ll see whqta turns up... im at a point in my live where i can basically choose direction... what direction to go is the question, but i have some ideas. I know i want to start a rehabilitation center for Schizophrenics... like me... but gggg, i dont know how, but i guess thats a good thing , cause if i knew how i would have been not streching enough. I have made peace with me today... i think this writing stuff down gets things on the move... like move away from me...distance...between me and this page. between what is troubling me...well it just feels great to get it in the open... i dont have many friends here on daily strenght, if your my friend and reading this... thanx you. well. i feel like im in a maze. if only i can figure out the way out. this sickness feels like its just another road, change something and something new pops up.. im tired of not knowing and not knowing the way out of here. i wish . guess we all do. i have problems , but i guess we all do. maybe if i open myself more i would learn to beter control them and know what triggers me can maybe save my life so thats what im going to be doing know..arggg u crazy person.....haha. well yesterday day i wrote financial management and it sucked and then i saw hallucinations the rest of the day. stupid angels and demons and cars . luckely i just see them and dont feel them anymore .thanx to meditating that im in a protective bubble... tryu it , it works. if I can get myself out of this mess and if I can keep on my medication then maybe I would be heald. so whats my probs. well I dont tust myself because of this stupid illness. I dont trust what i feel and what i see. if i can somehow still question in believe then maybe i can get through this. I dont like not trusting myself. I use to be... wlell screw that... fuck what i use to .. this is the new me and the new me believe im a good person, believe Im good for this life and believe life is worth living. I believe i can do stuff and evemn more stuff than that the regular person can cause i have all the tools i told myself to cope with, they dont even know they dont have them. well i love wrin=ting this... its such a relieve... crazy my ass... i can do this and i know i only have to believe, my strenght will carry me through and over the mountains and down by the streams. I have only this and this im going to believe in . I have only myself to control, my life, me. I can only contol and i can control. I have to understand that i am special. all my life i have wanted to feel special. I think this is one of my biggest problems and i think now that its out in the open , i think now i can control it and say stuff that I believe Im specail. I beleive Im good and I believev im worth this life and people's time and time is money, well if you think that your a mascjien anyway. and im not. Im a person with doubts and fears...vividly and that gives me more control over myself than normal people do cause I can see my troubles. my dreams . my fears. they are alive. I mean . i dont fear demons, cause i see them everyday. how many people out there fear demons??? i dont. not anymore. I have grown to become bigger than them because i had to because of schizophrenia. schizophrenia gave me freedom and thats what im going to believe. from today Im choosing to see the good things this fucked up... im mean blessing gave me. i know its fucked up and it sucks and its hectic and i know how it feels to noy know if you gonna make the day. not knowing. but im so much stronger than the people that dont go through this . so much stronger cause i practise every day. I have to and its awesome if you think about it that way. i think i should stop wanting a normal life , fuck that. screw it . fuck... there it goes. I DONT WANT A NORMAL LIFE. i want to embrace thsi . This is the new me. God made me this way. i dont think im human anymore. im going to call myself something else. im not sick . i refuse to think abouy it in that way. screw it . fuck it and OUT YOU GO U THOUIGHT I DONT WANT ANYMORE. Im the new Celest. I have been born again.well not the religios one , but IM FREE BECASE I BELIVE . i live in faith like the religios people except mine is different . i have the power to change . I have the power. if i could have made the demons dont touch me anymore and dont feel anymore, then i can do this too. I believe in God. I believe he will give me the tools i need to get throuhh this. dont worry about me my friend. god is going to help me. I trusyt in myself and I trust in my family and friends and i trust in him even thou im really mad that i have schizophrenia. i doesnt matter. as long ass i believe in and knows that there is a light out there for me and you. there is a God who cares for me and who will suport me through this . i have some tools i can use . affirmations, meditation, believe, medication, support. I use to think and thats not verey long a go that I m doomed. but that isnt so. I have my study's) its going slow, but im getting there.. its hard and long and it took me 3 more years,but i got it) I got a good , a little fat, but im working on that, body. I have friends and family. food and shelter. i have dancing and music. my awesome guitar and bass. I can play bass. i make really good food. i read alot. well i have faith. I GOT FAITH!
anyway
lately i have been seing extra cars on the road. car halucinations. i dont like it. hey, but what can i do. i dont know... it sucks. i feel .... an thats a good thing. i have friends who care for me. they always show me the road to well they actually dont really help as much as... well they dont actually know, well some of them know... but they seems to act like they never heard it, well who can blame... i dont blame them... i guess it thakes two... anmyways in my world, i have to start writing this stuff in afrikaans... but not today... i feel like i havent connected to a person in years... fuck that.... i think im doing ok ... any ways ... this stage seems to be set... now i have to act... we ll see whqta turns up... im at a point in my live where i can basically choose direction... what direction to go is the question, but i have some ideas. I know i want to start a rehabilitation center for Schizophrenics... like me... but gggg, i dont know how, but i guess thats a good thing , cause if i knew how i would have been not streching enough. I have made peace with me today... i think this writing stuff down gets things on the move... like move away from me...distance...between me and this page. between what is troubling me...well it just feels great to get it in the open... i dont have many friends here on daily strenght, if your my friend and reading this... thanx you. well. i feel like im in a maze. if only i can figure out the way out. this sickness feels like its just another road, change something and something new pops up.. im tired of not knowing and not knowing the way out of here. i wish . guess we all do. i have problems , but i guess we all do. maybe if i open myself more i would learn to beter control them and know what triggers me can maybe save my life so thats what im going to be doing know..arggg u crazy person.....haha. well yesterday day i wrote financial management and it sucked and then i saw hallucinations the rest of the day. stupid angels and demons and cars . luckely i just see them and dont feel them anymore .thanx to meditating that im in a protective bubble... tryu it , it works. if I can get myself out of this mess and if I can keep on my medication then maybe I would be heald. so whats my probs. well I dont tust myself because of this stupid illness. I dont trust what i feel and what i see. if i can somehow still question in believe then maybe i can get through this. I dont like not trusting myself. I use to be... wlell screw that... fuck what i use to .. this is the new me and the new me believe im a good person, believe Im good for this life and believe life is worth living. I believe i can do stuff and evemn more stuff than that the regular person can cause i have all the tools i told myself to cope with, they dont even know they dont have them. well i love wrin=ting this... its such a relieve... crazy my ass... i can do this and i know i only have to believe, my strenght will carry me through and over the mountains and down by the streams. I have only this and this im going to believe in . I have only myself to control, my life, me. I can only contol and i can control. I have to understand that i am special. all my life i have wanted to feel special. I think this is one of my biggest problems and i think now that its out in the open , i think now i can control it and say stuff that I believe Im specail. I beleive Im good and I believev im worth this life and people's time and time is money, well if you think that your a mascjien anyway. and im not. Im a person with doubts and fears...vividly and that gives me more control over myself than normal people do cause I can see my troubles. my dreams . my fears. they are alive. I mean . i dont fear demons, cause i see them everyday. how many people out there fear demons??? i dont. not anymore. I have grown to become bigger than them because i had to because of schizophrenia. schizophrenia gave me freedom and thats what im going to believe. from today Im choosing to see the good things this fucked up... im mean blessing gave me. i know its fucked up and it sucks and its hectic and i know how it feels to noy know if you gonna make the day. not knowing. but im so much stronger than the people that dont go through this . so much stronger cause i practise every day. I have to and its awesome if you think about it that way. i think i should stop wanting a normal life , fuck that. screw it . fuck... there it goes. I DONT WANT A NORMAL LIFE. i want to embrace thsi . This is the new me. God made me this way. i dont think im human anymore. im going to call myself something else. im not sick . i refuse to think abouy it in that way. screw it . fuck it and OUT YOU GO U THOUIGHT I DONT WANT ANYMORE. Im the new Celest. I have been born again.well not the religios one , but IM FREE BECASE I BELIVE . i live in faith like the religios people except mine is different . i have the power to change . I have the power. if i could have made the demons dont touch me anymore and dont feel anymore, then i can do this too. I believe in God. I believe he will give me the tools i need to get throuhh this. dont worry about me my friend. god is going to help me. I trusyt in myself and I trust in my family and friends and i trust in him even thou im really mad that i have schizophrenia. i doesnt matter. as long ass i believe in and knows that there is a light out there for me and you. there is a God who cares for me and who will suport me through this . i have some tools i can use . affirmations, meditation, believe, medication, support. I use to think and thats not verey long a go that I m doomed. but that isnt so. I have my study's) its going slow, but im getting there.. its hard and long and it took me 3 more years,but i got it) I got a good , a little fat, but im working on that, body. I have friends and family. food and shelter. i have dancing and music. my awesome guitar and bass. I can play bass. i make really good food. i read alot. well i have faith. I GOT FAITH!
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