IM AFRAID

i keep having health issues, i always hurt. i never sleep. no exaggeration, i go days without sleeping. i can lay in bed but i cant sleep. it feels like someone is smashing my face in to the pillow or squishing my bones or something wierd, cant stay in one position long enough to fall asleep cause i hurt. sleeping pills dont work, and if they do, they just give me a major hangover so i drag ass all day any way, i feel better when i dont sleep vs taking sleeping pills of any kind. so i nearly always feel tired, even when i do sleep. so i tend to lay around, not sleeping, but trying to rest and feel awake. sometimes im just utterly fatiqued and exhausted. i try to fake it. i try to act like i feel good, i try not to complain but it slips out. i dont think anyone believes me anyway. if i go to the doctor i cant afford all those expensive tests. alot of people think i might have fibromayalgia, including massage therapists and others who have it. so if i go get diognosed, then what? there is no cure and they dont know the cause. so they give me a pill, to treat the pain, who knows the side effects and the drugs pretty much knock you out from what i hear, so either way, it doesnt really get better. so is there even a point to get diognosed? i really dont want to take pills. its scary. there are so many drug companies that make money off it...
now im having memory problems and my night vision is shot, im scared to drive at night. sometimes it seems hard to think, its hard to explain how that is really. like i have to force myself to have a conversation and remember what im talking about cause i have too many things going through my mind.
ugh. i dont even like writing this entry. i thought it would make me feel better to get my concerns out, but it doesnt. i just feel like im complaining, and i dont like to. im just so uncomfortable all the time. i dont know how to make it stop. now im fat on top of it cause im too tired to get up and workout everyday. even though i know it would help. now im a walking contradiction. ok. im just gonna shut up now, im irritating myself.