illusion

i am also realizing that i suffer from this illusion that i am suppose to perform oral sex on men.  that was one of the acts my uncle did with me every night.  he drew pictures of me on my knees performing oral sex on him and would show them to me - how awful.  i keep seeing that image.  this helps to write about it.  i have not acted iton it in a long time now.  i am afraid to seek anyone out.  i am embarrassed to approach anyone - fear of being rejected.  i think this is a good thing.  i am hoping this urge will fade away someday.  i need to stop being afraid of rejection because i can't won't even talk to woman.  i am an honest and loyal guy.  i think if i built a relationship with a women i would not have these urges to have oral sex with men.  i have no other ideas of a relationship with men except for that.