If you want to kno my story :(

I was 18 years old when I found out I was pregnant. I had only been "on my own" for 5 months when I found out. My boyfriend and I had been together for about 1 1/2 years. I was terrified. I was angry because I thought he had tricked me into getting pregnant, (he didn't), and scared that being a mom meant the end of my college education.
I can't lie, I thought about an abortion. But as I held my stomach and thought of her and how much I already loved this tiny little person I knew i could never do it. But I was unemployed, facing the end of my savings and was unsure of my relationship with Sophia's daddy. I always pushed him away, because I thought I was alone in the world and didn't want him to hurt me.
But being pregnant changed that. I thought: "this is someone who will never leave me or hurt me, my baby will always love me for me, and he/she depends on me". The day I found out, I was spotting. I went to the ER and they tested and examined me, only to tell me that I was probably miscarrying, and there was nothing I could do. I spotted for awhile, off and on when I was stressed out until I was about 5 1/2 months.
But my little superhero held on. And at the 19 week ultrasound I got to see my girl. She was kicking and squirming like she couldn't wait to get out and run around. I was proud and so so so so in love with the big head and tiny feet and fingers I saw. She was mine. She was my savior from lonliness and fear.
At the 5 month mark i relaxed, thinking that i was "safe" because she could in theory survive in an incubator. I spent my time planning for her and cleaning after I left my internship. I shopped every week for her little clothes.
And I was still scared. I worried about everything, not being a good mom, even about how much I would miss out on parties and college spring break and studying abroad... dumb things that can always be made up later.
And one day, about 8 1/2 months i was laying in bed, talking to God, and I cried. I just thanked him for a family. I just knew that this was my gift for coming through so much hardship, I was going to have a REAL family!! A beautiful baby girl, and a man who loved and supported me. I finally accepted that she would be mine, and that she would be okay.
I never even thought that she would die. I was worried that I would die. One day, the day before my 38 week check up i felt that she wasn't moving as much. I counted the kicks, (my girl would kick ten times in about 30 minutes!), and noticed they were slow.
I figured it was because I was so tired. I slept on my back that night. No one told me that doing that could kill my baby. I knew there was a risk of slowing down her blood flow, but NO ONE TOLD ME how serious it could be!!!!
The minute I woke up I knew something was different. There was no urgent need to pee. There was no good morning dance on my bladder. I asked my bf to talk to her and wake her up, he rubbed my tummy and said something, but he was late for work and had to go.
I went downstairs and asked my mom to wake her up. Nothing. But my mind wouldn't allow me to think, maybe she's gone. No, I just thought she was still sleepy. And i felt a little move later on, and figured it was ok. I was on my way to my doctors anyway, so I was going to ask then. I didn't realize then that the movement i felt was braxton hicks (which i had been feeling for weeks).
I got to my doctors. And my stomach felt heavy, like there was nothing there. I was scared, i thought, maybe somethings wrong but then blocked it out.
When my dr went to do the heartbeat check, she couldn't find it. I remember her saying "is she hiding from me today"? She got the ultrasound ready. As i waited i prayed, God PLEASE let her be ok, i dont care what happens to me just let her be ok. ok? Please please please.
I made jokes, thats what i do when I'm nervous. Still i wouldn't let myself think that she could be gone. when the dr said "I'm sorry" my heart just BROKE. I SCREAMED NOOO please please no.
I called people. I remember standing in the hallway on the phone wrapped in a sheet with no pants on, not caring. I couldn't even say it to my bf. I just said get down here and he asked what was happening I just said "I can't... I cant I can't Oh GOD i can't!!!".
What happened after still makes me mad. It was hours before I got my second ultasound. What if she was still holding on??! Then when they did it, they just kept conversing with each other, I actually had to ASK is she gone? All i got in response was, yes, I'm sorry. They left right after.
My doctor promised to be there, said she was on call for my birth. I never saw her again. They did drug me up pretty well though. My bf's whole family was there, staring, crying. Watching as my whole world just collapsed. I didn't even get a doctor for my labor. Plenty of drugs to keep me foggy, but no stirrups no doctor and no help delivering.
Labor is a HARD task. And my poor boyfriend and mom had to hold my legs while I pushed. My mom looked away but Sophia's daddy watched, and i saw his face. I know he was hoping like i was hoping that somehow she would come out alive, and I know he had to see her beautiful little face so bruised and purple and I saw that look... it still kills me.
When i asked the nurse who was assisting whether i should push, she just said "do what you feel like". She was NO assistance whatsoever. I had to do it on my own, I didn't know when she was crowning, there was no coaching. There was no help, only me laying there in a drugged daze hoping against hope and praying
GOD PLEASE LET MY BABY GIRL LIVE TAKE ME INSTEAD!! I'LL DO ANYTHING JUST LET HER LIVE!!
And then she was out. And i'll never forget that silence. It should be filled with a baby's yells and cries and everyone oohing and awwwing. But there was nothing. I didn't want to see her, but my boyfriend did. The nurse gave Sophia to him and he shoved her in my arms, i think he didn't want to look at her like that anymore. I WAS horrified. But only because the love of my life was lying in my arms bloody and bruised and DEAD. She should have been alive. She should have cried.
Sophia Grace N***** was born at 1:53pm on September 17th, 2010. Before she had a name, my bf's family friend, a priest, dedicated her. My family also did our religious rituals. I held her until about 11pm. I was mad when they took her away for footprints. She came back cold and with clay still stuck to her feet and hands. I took baby wipes and cleaned her from head to toe. I kissed her fingers and the little legs that had tap-danced inside me for months. I touched every inch of her and cried.
I knew I had to let her go when I did. I knew that if I didn't that I would never be able to. I gave her to the ONE nurse who had been helpful, a woman named Grace who had had two stillbirths of her own. And yes, that's why Sophia's middle name is Grace. That night i walked out of maternity ward, about 9 hours after giving birth, with empty arms and a broken heart.
Needless to say I started smoking again about an hour later. The official diagnosis RIGHT NOW is that a blood clot got into my cord. But while I was pregnant I asked to not be told my weight, I didn't want to feel guilty about eating. No one told me that I had lost 15 pounds after the first 5 months (I was already kinda fat when I got pregnant), I noticed that i had lost a little, but i thought I made it up later. Infact I only gained about 10 lbs after that. MY DOCTOR SHOULD HAVE SAID SOMETHING. I also only had the one ultrasound at 19 weeks, none after. If they had done an ultrasound they might have seen that she was small, 5lbs 4oz at birth. What ifs haunt my dreams. There's more reasons why I'm angry, considering that I almost miscarried early on, i think they should have monitored more. And a hundred other things. I'll add more a little later, right now I'm tired, and this entry is long.