If only

WOW ... 4 years, went fast.. went slow .... hard to believe it has been four years since i have hugged chris, or heard his laugh, he had a wonderful laugh and smile, he seemed to always be smiling... unless he was asleep. He liked to sleep in and stay up late, ever since he was a baby, even in my tummy he liked to be up late =) .......... i can think back about when he was a baby/toddler and i can smile ... i can think about him when he was a teen im OK smiles but sadness, but then as a young man 21 yrs old ... he was turning into a man from a boy, so handsome. And then POOF he is gone .... i look at his pictures as a young man and i get so sad, will it ever be OK ..would he have gotten married, would he have had kids ? Oh how he would love his nephew "Christopher" he is so cute, already 4mo old ... i actually believe he my chris does visit little chris, There are times little Chris is staring into midair, smiling, (baby) talking, waving his feet & arms as if someone was playing with him ... or is it wishful thinking ?
Today the date of Chris passing is such a sucky day, if only it could be erased, turn back the clocks bring him back to me i could break his motorcycle so the accident wouldn't have happened ..... If only i could. Sometimes i think "is it all a nightmare & I will wake up soon" I wish, but no it is reality for the rest of my life !!!  
I feel like there is so much he is missing... but i guess it is us missing him, he is hopefully ok & at peace. i believe he is, thats how i can cope.  i hope i never feel like it did 4 years ago at this time, OMG such a terrible feeling, i never want anyone i know to have to hurt like this .  Again they say with time it gets better, OK it gets easier NOT better.... its never better. I can be happy at times but i always miss my chris, and life is never perfect. I try not to be a downer, i try to stay happy but sometimes it is so hard i have to let go have a good cry and go on with life, my son, husband, daughter in-law, grandson, dad, sister, niece's nephew, friends,, neighbors, dog ... need me, i cant be selfish and curl into a ball and cry forever, sometimes i would like to but thats not living life... i give myself pep talks all the time !!
This is such a helpful sight cuz i can say anything i want to without feeling wierd, i know you all understand.