If I were Santa

This is cute. IF I WERE SANTAIf I were ol' Santa, you know what I'd doI'd dump silly gifts that are given to youAnd deliver some things just inside your front doorThings you have lost, but treasured before.I'd give you back all your maidenly vigor,And to go along with it, a neat tiny figure.Then restore the old color that once graced your hairBefore rinses and bleaches took residence there.I'd bring back the shape with which you were giftedSo things now suspended need not be uplifted.I'd draw in your tummy and smooth down your backTill you'd be a dream in those tight fitting slacks.I'd remove all your wrinkles and leave only one chinSo you wouldn't spend hours rubbing grease on your skinYou'd never have flashes or queer dizzy spellsAnd you wouldn't hear noises like ringing of bells.No sore aching feet and no corns on your toesNo searching for spectacles when they're right on your nose.Not a shot would you take in your arm, hip or fannyFrom a doctor who thinks you're a nervous old granny.You'd never have a headache, so no pills would you take.And no heating pad needed since your muscles won't ache.Yes, if I were Santa, you'd never look stupidYou'd be a cute little chick with the romance of a cupid.I'd give a lift to your heart when those wolves start to whistleAnd the joys of your heart would be light as a thistle.But alas! I'm not Santa. I'm simply just meThe matronest of matrons you ever did see.I wish I could tell you all the symptoms I've gotBut I'm due at my doctor's for an estrogen shot.Even though we've grown older this wish is sincereMerry Christmas to you and a Happy New Year.